Anonymity

Ok, so my blog is an anonymous blog… I don’t think anyone actually knows who I really am, maybe one person I can think of knows that I am DD, but I’m not really sure about that… anyways, TA wanted to read my blog… and while I’ve managed to put it off from actually telling him… I don’t know, ok I do know why… he’ll get to see how random I really am, get to explore all the crazy thoughts I have, get to see how I reason thru things, get to see a side of my that I don’t really show people who know me… he’ll get to see about all the things I’ve written about him (lucky for me its been mostly good things)… but he’ll be able to go thru my past blogs and get to really see things about me… I don’t know if that makes me more nervous or if by allowing him to read my blog, he’ll get a better understanding of me… I don’t really talk much about my blog… but the one or two times I may mention it by accident, the person always wants to know my blog address so they can read it… what if I disappoint them… what if I’m not as good a writer as they expect from a blogger, what if they think I write and worry about trivial stuff… what if… the possibilities are endless of what ifs… I guess the one way to avoid the what ifs, would be not to let people know I have a blog or even if they know, not to give them the blog address…

well last night i gave TA my blog address out of anger and not out of trust... i gave him the blog address cause he was questioning about things that i didn't really understand, and i told him if anything has happened to me, then its in my blog and he can go read it if he doesn't believe me... i only wanted to wait to give him blog address cause i wanted to be completely sure and i wanted to be sure i trusted hm enough (not to say i don't), but i wanted to give it to him in my own time and not when i felt forced to do so, forced to do so in order to prove i was telling him the truth....

now, i don't know if TA has actually read my blog since i gave hime the address, in some ways i hope he does read it to see and understand how i really feel and to try to better understand who i am, but on the other hand, i hope he doesn't read it only to see if i'm telling him the truth or to judge me...
i hope that knowing he reads or can read my blog whenever he wants to won't change the way i write, i hope it won't keep me from being candid, honest and open about my thoughts and feelings... i hope...

Some days I think about giving up my blog… at times I take a small hiatus from my blog, sometimes life just gets too busy, sometimes I don’t have time to analyze things, sometimes I can’t out how I’m feeling or my situation in meaningful words… and sometimes I just simply forget about it… but I know this blog gives me an outlet to get my feelings out and to analyze things, it helps me get thru some situations, some things that I can’t tell my friends or family… it’s a form of therapy…

learning to be happy...

I’m continuing to learn that just because he doesn’t always show how his feels exactly the way I want him to doesn’t mean he’s not showing it in the best way he knows how to… he gently reminded me of this the other night as I feel asleep in his arms… there are things that he does for me that he wasn’t willing to do in past relationships, and his intentions are well noted… I don’t want him to think I take those things for granted, cause I know he tries… but as he said, he’s very traditional and old school… and as I said, I’m very new school and we just need to find a way to meet half way… which I think we’re both starting to learn to do… he’s doing the little things I ask for, but definitely in his own style… his intentions are known and his reasoning are understood, but of course he does it in his own style, and I wouldn’t expect him to do it any differently… he’s meeting me half way to make sure that we both stay happy, and that makes me very happy… and I’m gonna do all I can to make sure I keep him happy as well… and I’m learning to stop stressing so much about everything, and just enjoy things with him, cause he makes me happy…
(Can I mention, I’ve been hit on by men more this week alone, than I have in the last month… interesting the things you notice when u stop focusing ALL of your attention on one person or one thing…)

update...

So it looks like I’ve abandoned my blog, but really I haven’t… just been caught up with life lately… quick update… Okay, so may be I was being a bit melodramatic in my last post… I admit it, and these winter blues aren’t doing a damn thing to lift my spirits… but I finally talked to TA that following Tuesday night… went to go see him and well he lifted my spirits… connected with him in a way we hadn’t connected in for a while, felt like we were one again and we were happy… as I told him in a text this morning… ‘he put a permanent smile on me face’… and not just because of what you think, but more because I think we really connected yesterday, found a new level of comfort with one another… and hopefully we’re closer to one another than before… I told him that I’ve missed him, not missed him in the sense that I hadn’t seen him, but missed the sensual, soft & kind side of him that I saw that Tuesday night, the side I hadn’t seen it in a while and it made me even more attracted to him… made me want to be with him even more… made me realized how much I care about him… and hopefully it did the same for him… but since then, in the last two weeks, things with TA have been interesting…

I thought I had commitment issues, but little do I know that everyone has their own set of emotional luggage that they carry around with them, even guys… I don’t necessarily understand TA or all of his actions, but I know him well enough to know what he’s gonna do… wait, let me rephrase that, I understand what he’s going to do, but I don’t always understand the reasoning or logic behind everything he does… he’s not a simple guy, although he claims that he is, he’s just as complicated as the rest of us, dealing with past relationships and failures, and trying to ensure he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes… I know he cares about me, and that he does things for me that are unusual for him to do in a relationship, and don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate all that he does, but I know I do a lot for him, I give him more effort than I’ve given to any other guy in a long time… I see him struggling not to get attached to me and trying to keep me at arms length, just cause he’s not sure about things yet, but on the same note he’ll do a complete 180 and does all the loving things that a bf would do… then he starts talking about the future (which to be honest, scares the living day lights out of me, because that involves planning and implies that we’ll be together long enough to see the plans come to fruition… not long term plans like years or anythng, but weeks away) He’s been talking bout us spending Christmas together for weeks… and at first it wasn’t gonna happen cause I was gonna go to Nigeria, but of course I procrastinated and then changed my mind to go back to the states instead, so I leave for the states the day after Christmas (there better be some left over turkey in the fridge when I get back to Bmore)… so anyways, we’re gonna spending Christmas together… which I do look forward to, but at the same time, I feel it will make me feel more involved with him and I don’t know if that what he wants… while I keep telling myself not to get too attached, the more time I spend with him, the more involved and invested I become… realizing that you depend on someone else to get thru the day is not a realization that’s easy to make, so I started taking steps to get back to my old social able self… I was talking to one of my friends on facebook, and he was asking how London was and so on, and I told him its going good, but its difficult starting over, and his reply was “...must be a different feeling having to start over from scratch. u’re personality allows it to happen seamless tho, u’re a great easy going person…” and on a normal day, I’d agree with his statement and compliment… but I’m not the same person that he knew many years ago, and many times I wish I could go back to that person he described in the email… i just want to be happy...

he's M.I.A.

Well, it been two days since TA and I had our little disagreement… and well I haven’t heard from him… yeah I’m a little distraught, but what can I do… I can’t make him call or text me, can’t make him pick up my calls so all I can do is wait… which is something that I’m most definitely not good at wait… I’m impatient, something too impatient for my own good… but what can I do… but I can’t sit here and blame myself for ever… ok, he didn’t like what I said… I apologized (more than one… more than twice… more than I ever do)… isn’t this where we’re suppose to talk things thru and work it out… well its suppose to be, but TA has disappeared, haven’t heard from him since he left my place 2 nights ago… not one word… if u can’t be a little patient with me, then we’re definitely gonna have some issues… I’m not the most patient person, but for the person I care about, my patience can become an never ending ocean of compassion and understanding… but I guess that’s not how he see it… at this point I really don’t know what to think… I can’t stand the silent treatment, it gets under my skin, I prefer for someone to yell, fuss and get it out of their system, so we can move on from the situation… but with the silent treatment, they keep all the aggression and anger inside, just waiting for one day to explode…

This is killing me… and I know myself, the longer it takes TA to come around, the more upset I’ll be, and the more likely I will say something even more inappropriate to him…

The Winter Blues...

Well, I finally moved into my own flat, a one bedroom flat in Swiss Cottage/Belsize Park… it’s a great area, very local to everything, and it’s a short commute to work… my apart, at the moment is a disaster! Everything is still packed up in boxes, bags and suitcases… lots of suitcases…. Hmmm, so I’m in the process of trying to sort things, but I know its gonna take a while, hopefully I should have my place sorted out before I leave for Christmas (and don’t ask… I don’t know where I’m going for Christmas yet, don’t have a ticket to Nigeria or to the states, but I know I’m not staying in London without my family, that’s for sure)… anyways, I still need to order my sofa, put my wardrobes together (now, TA offered to help, but since we got into a tiny row yesterday after putting my bed together, well sue me if I’m a bit moody… well there’s no telling if he’ll come around to help with the wardrobes… but I’m a capable woman, so no worries)… I’ve put together lots of Ikea furniture on my own in past, so its not impossible, but it would have been nice to have a man around to help me… or I can always just hire someone to come do it, but the holidays are just around the corner and I’m not trying to spend any unnecessary money… need to buy gifts for the little ones (nieces and nephews J)…

So I’ve been in a funk for the last couple of days, at first thought that it was from the lack of sleep and all the stress from last week with work, school, and moving… I’m sure that added to it, but it doesn’t explain why I’m so gosh darn (not the words I really wanted to use, but can’t be using his name in vain) emotional… No its not me being homesick… No, its not that time of the month… … but it is that time of the year… that time of the year, where its cold outside, it rains a lot, the sun goes down before its even 5pm… its Winter time… and I wish I didn’t have it, but I think I’ve got the winter blues… its not the first time its happened, happened bout 3 years ago in 2004… was overly emotional about any and everything, felt it hard to pull myself together sometimes, hard to participate and so on… and well, it feels like that again… so what’s a girl to do, when all I really wanna do is go back to my flat, lay under my duvet and read a book til I doze off… I’m not the usual me, the happy, fun person to be around… not sure where she went or even where to begin looking for her or me rather…

There's No Place Like Home...

What a great weekend… there truly is no place like home… welcomed with open arms and smiling faces… going home back to the states for Thanksgiving was great… actually great is an understatement… it was wonderful… it was like things were right back to normal as soon as I got there… it was great to lay in my own bed, watch my own tv, walk around my own home and be completely free… I got there on Thursday afternoon… walked in the back door, could smell the turkey cooking, potatoes roasting, jollof rice burning on the stove, and a mixture of other great smells… my parents were so happy to see me, more than I expected, but I’d missed them a lot, so the feeling was quite mutual… slowly, the rest of the siblings and family members trickled in… the sisters and boyfriends, the brothers and wives and children, before long we had a full house… and it was great… great food, great wine and great company… I couldn’t ask for anything else in that moment… being with my family was all I needed. For a bit, I did feel like I was missing out on so much by living in London, but as I interacted with my siblings and parents, it became more and more evident that they were proud of me for doing what I’m doing and being successful in London… it reaffirmed that I made the right decision to move to London… but sometimes, you still can’t help but feel like you may be missing out… but as I hear them all describing when they are coming to London next month of their way to Nigeria and how we’ll have so much fun when they come to visit me, it gave me something more to look forward to…. By like 7pm, I could barely keep my eyes up, tired and delirious from lack of sleep and jet lag, I was struggling… got up crazy early the next morning to do the black Friday shopping things…. Madness in all the stores my sister and I went to… but needless to say, we got some pretty good deals!!!

I was having a discussion with my dad about Christmas… he told me that in America, they don’t really celebrate Christmas in the same ways as other parts of the world, that its too commercialized in the states… and if I didn’t go to Nigeria 2 years ago for my first Christmas in Nigeria and didn’t living in London now, I would have blatantly disagreed with him… although I do have to admit, I notices as I was growing older in the states, that the spirit of Christmas was not as joyful as it was when I was much younger… I just thought that was the natural progression, that as you got older, you got more serious and paid less attention to holidays and things of that nature… I almost let that rob me of my Christmas spirit…. But some how I always managed to find that spirit and spread it along to my sibling and parents, whether they wanted it or not… when I was growing up I remember Christmas as being so exciting and joyous… huge Christmas trees, decorations everywhere, waking up at 6am to open gifts, having breakfast with the family, watching the parade and going to church later in the day… then going around to other family and friends’ homes or having them come visit at our home… lots of children running around in their new clothes and showing off the new gifts they just got, lots of Christmas lights, good food, great company and just happiness everywhere… I do miss those Christmas days… I do miss the good old days… but as I spent my first Christmas in Nigeria 2 Christmas’ ago, I am eager to go back… of course Nigerians know how to celebrate, but the Christmas spirit is still well and kicking in Naija… even in London, its clear that the holiday season is here… Christmas lights and decorations all thru central London, illuminating the streets and never letting you forget that Christmas is right around the corner… anyways, maybe all of this is just my experiences, but I feel that as I get older, that the experience of Christmas is just much different…

My Range of Emotions... What a Roller Coaster!!

Hmmm, what a weekend… well, I’ve been thinking that TA has been acting a little weird lately… and well he thought the same thing about me, we had a conversation on Wednesday evening, cause I was trying to make plans for Thursday evening after I got off work cause my friends were leaving on Thursday morning… anyways, we kinda straighten things out.. cause I asked if everything was ok and so on and the asked what was up with me and why I’d been acting weird lately… and my reaction was that I thought he had been acting weird… so anyways, we talked about it and left it at that… so Thursday afternoon TA texts me saying he was gonna be home in the evening… so I made plans to go visit him after work… let’s just say that it was a very interesting evening… remember this blog entry ‘Everything Happens for a Reason’… well although I was dealing with a major issue (at least it was a major issue for me), I failed to tell TA about it… I had plans on telling him, but I was nervous… actually I was more scared and confused than nervous, and being the type of person that I am, sometimes my pride gets in the way of allowing me to ask for help, assistance or support, even when I really need it… well I dealt with the situation on my own and never told TA… and well thru some discussion, it came out and TA was livid with me… actually livid was an understatement… I almost thought he was through with me… he was quite upset that I kept something so significant away from him… he said I should have known better and that if he’s in, then he’s in.. meaning that I should have known that I could have turned to him in my time of need and we would have dealt with the situation together… hmmm, what could I say… there’s was nothing to say, even though I tried to explain it to him, but nonetheless he was upset with me, which I understood… well, all that said and done, we talked about everything and I think we’re gonna be just fine… and its great to know that I can turn to him for advise and in my time of need, without being afraid that he’ll run away…

I guess its just my personal style to try and handle everything on my own, its how I’ve always done things… there are very few people that I turn to for help, and even fewer people outside of my family… so its hard coming to terms that I have him to turn to… aside from my personal stubbornness, its very difficult for me to trust people, especially when it comes to personal information about me… I’ve seen how people can turn on you and use that information against you, not me personally or any of the people that I’ve entrusted in, but I’ve seen it happen to other people and I can’t imagine that type of betrayal… my heart can’t handle that type of damage at this point in my life… which leads me to another thing, lately I’ve been over emotional… the littlest thing can set me off, not in an angry way, but in a teary-eyed way… the smallest things seem to get me all emotional… NO IT’S NOT PMS… for example, I was reading a book about fathers, and all of a sudden I got all teary-eyed as I was thinking about my dad and how I can’t wait to see him when I go home next… believe it or not, I got teary eyed just writing that last sentence about my dad…

Home sweet home… I’m going home for Thanksgiving… at first I wasn’t going to go cause I thought it didn’t make sense to go home for like 3 and a half days, but then I realized that it was more than worth it to go home for a few days if I get to see my family and friends, even if its just for a short period of time… in 3 days time, I’ll be back home in my own house, room, and bed… I’ll be surrounded by my loving and supportive family (especially my cute nephews and nieces) and by some of the greatest friends that one can ask for!!! Excited is an understatement of how much I am looking forward to going back to Baltimore :-)… Get some good home cooked food, spend time with the fam, relax, drive around (and not have to wait for a bus or train!!!), go shopping at decent prices and so much more. I just need a break from London, just for a little bit… I’m hoping I’ll be re-energized when I come to London… all this said, I will miss TA and I’ll miss London a little bit (it is my new home for now), even if its just for a few days…

Paris for the weekend...

Ooh la la… Paris for the weekend…

I went to Paris for the weekend, 2 weekends ago, with one of the friends that came to visit from the States… it was an interesting weekend to say at the least……


Jean Marc… that’s the name of the French man that I had a rendezvous with this weekend while in Paris… ok,ok, I didn’t really have a rendezvous with Jean Marc (or any other French man while in Paris), but it did sound nice for a quick second… also, lets not forget I am spoken for … but I did meet a very attractive gentleman name Jean March…… tall dark, and handsome… well, let me explain, my friend, R and I were all dressed up in central Paris, and it was about 1:30am, we’d been other there for about 45 minutes, trying to find a nice club to go to… we spoke to a few people here and there, but we felt that most of the people walking by were two young… but then here comes Jean Marc and his 2 friends… they we cute, they looked mature… so we stopped them asked if they knew of any good parties/clubs in the area… well, being the gentlemen they were, they invited us to go to the club with them… the were walking up the street to a club that play hip-hop, reggae, R&B, and so on… sounded great… so R and I tagged along… the club didn’t actually open til 2am, so were were just chatting outside while we waited for the club to open… so 2am finally rolled around… and in we went… the place wasn’t big, but it was a decent size, the music was good and the crowd was really good… so no complaints… I ended up dancing with Jean Marc for most of the evening… he spoke little English and I spoke even less French… but some how we managed to communicate through out the night… Towards the end of the nite, he asked for my email address, which I gave to him… he mentioned that he came to London often and would it be possible to see me if he came…. Well, amidst all the fun and games, ummm I had to make it clear that I was not interested in anything with him, at least nothing more than a friendship… I hadn’t mentioned it before, but it felt appropriate to let him know that I was seeing someone in London… and since I don’t believe in cheating, there were no other options than for us to be friends… as you can guess, I haven’t heard from him, but I didn’t really expect too… especially after I told him I was seeing someone… oh, well… that’s life right!

Anyways, Paris was great… it was great to have my friends around for a little bit… my friends left on Thursday morning… and the first thing on my mind was to see TA, seeing as that I hadn’t seen him in a week, just cause my friends were around and we were busy doing all the tourist stuff…

So what...

So what…. So what if I haven’t seen Scarface or The Godfather I, II, or III… so freaking what… what’s the big deal… I appreciate that they are classic movies and they are great movies and so on and so on… but so what I haven’t seen them… well the fact that I hadn’t seen any of the aforementioned movies drove TA absolutely crazy, I mean to the point of being upset… Y??? I’m not quite sure, but he really took it personal… I mean if you told me you’ve never seen Clueless (one of my all time favourite movies and a classic from the teenage years), I wouldn’t blow a gasket over it… but no, not my TA, he decided to take it personal… really… then I said, well this would be a good opportunity for us to watch it together… and his response… NEVER… I’m not on his level he says, he can’t be explaining the movie to me… blah blah blah… so NO, that was his answer, He's not gonna watch them with me!?!? He was like u need to go rent those movies and watch them… and I looked at him like he was crazy… Y??? anyways, he really felt the necessity to understand why I hadn’t watched Scarface or the Godfather… and I didn’t really have a real reason, except that I never had the opportunity to watch it and when I go to rent movies, those are not movies that are at the top of my ‘must see’ list (please, they barely make the ‘maybe if I’m bored, I’d watch that movie’ list)… so after criticizing me about the fact that i'd never seen those movies, and so on, I started to get annoyed… Geez, I got the freaking picture… why are you being so mean about something so silly… then he tried to pull me over when we were watching Titanic (which I’ve seen b4 by the way) but I was too annoyed with him to cuddle… who wants to cuddle with someone who’s just spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about your choices of movies (There’s nothing wrong with Harry Potter)… but I guess he didn’t think I’d take it so personal, and to be honest, neither did I, but it just kinda hurt my feelings… and I guess he realized it so he apologized and then offered to watch the movies with me… talk about a silly reason to have a disagreement about… but he made it all better… we did manage to watch Casino and the Usual Suspects… two classics (that I’ve never seen b4)… they were really good movies actually… and while they’re not my typical choice of movies, I enjoyed them and I enjoyed them more watching them with TA… and we got thru after of Titanic before I decided to go to bed…. And I expected TA to finish watching the movie, but being the sweetheart that he is; he stopped the movie and came to bed as well…

I must admit, after we made up, and we were watching the movies and just chilling in at his place, I could almost see myself doing this thing for the long run... I mean, it’s rare for me to admit that type of thing, but it’s possible… but lets not get ahead of ourselves!

On another note… two of my friends are here from the states to visit… we’re heading off to Paris in the morning for the weekend… then returning on Monday morning… they’re gonna be around til the end of the next… I am so excited to have them around… its nice to have some familiar faces from back home… and I’m even more excited about possibility going back home in 2 weeks for thanksgiving (where I plan to stuff my face with food, before I start a proper diet on my return to London)… EXCITED :-)!!!

some thoughts...

Hmmm… my ex, L, wants to meet the guy I’m seeing, TA… LOL… yeah right, like L thinks I ever gonna let that happen… especially since I know that L knows ALOT of people and may already know the guy I’m seeing, but may not that he,s the guy I’m seeing… thru discussion I’ve realized the L knows a lot of TA’s friends, so logically it would make sense for him to know who TA is as well… why he wants to me meet my TA, I don’t quite know, guess he’s curious as to what type of guy I’m with, who knows… but I’m surely not going to be the one that sets up an outing and invite the two… but if we all happened to be at the same place at the same time, then by all means, its not a problem… besides TA and I have never discussed any of the exs and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that I have an ex in London, not because I’m hiding it or anything like that, but simply cause it hasn’t come up, especially since L and I dated some three years ago… so no biggie… right!?!? Anyways, if it ever came up, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him cause I’ve got nothing to hide…
Hmmm… my friends are coming to visit from the states this weekend… so we’re headed to Paris for the weekend… which should be fun… a break from London is necessary… although my friends’ visit means I won’t really get to see TA that much for the next week or so, unless he comes out with us, it kinda leaves me a little sad… we haven’t been spending as much time together… well, this weekend I was dealing with some things and needed to be by myself, and now we’re both looking for flats to move into (separately, we not moving in together… I’m not crazy!!!), so between school, work, looking for flats, and sleep… there leaves little time left for couple time… but its cool, for now cause I’m sure we’ll make up it up :-)….

Hmmm… yeah looking for a new flat to move in… I’m looking for a studio or 1bdrm flat to move into… I simply need my own space… or to move into a flat share with like minded people… housing is ridiculously pricey here in London… and being the picky person that I am, I just can’t settle for anything… it must be up to my standard… I’d rather have a small and neat place, then a large sloppy & ugly place… I’d rather spend a little more on rent for my peace of mind, then be cheap and uncomfortable… If I’m going to live in London, I need to do it right or at least my way!

the men in my life

Things with TA (the guy I’m seeing) are going good… he’s not your typical guy, but then again, I’m not your typical gal… so I guess we’re a good match… but I haven’t really spoken much about him, and I probably won’t, since he doesn’t know I have a blog and I wouldn’t want to put too much of his business out there… anyways, TA comes off as ‘one of the guys’ type of guys, but he’s just as considerate as can be… it’s the small things that he does or doesn’t do that makes me appreciate him… for example, one Friday evening, he was having a guys nite at his house, but I didn’t know that and I told him I was gonna come by later after I was done running some errands… and he was like of course come by… and of course I took much longer than expected… and some of his boys were over at his place, they had made a run to get food and alcohol… and he being the considerate guy that he is, he brought me dinner and got me some nice wine (cause I don’t drink what him and his friends drink)… and it was just such a sweet gesture… I know his friends probably looked at him like he was crazy while in the liquor store when he bought the bottle of wine… and trust me, I know its such a small gesture, but for me, it’s the small things that matter the most :-)… like knowing what I like and making sure you have it around the house when I come over, even if its not something he likes… and sometimes when I question myself when we’re apart (you must remember, this relationship is quite young), I always remember how I feel when I’m with him and the constant smile on my face, and the great conversations about every and anything and then I’m rested assured, things are good… I could go on and on… but I know u all don’t want to hear about all the little things he does that I appreciate… but I do find it quite odd, that we don’t really talk on the phone that much… but when we’re together, we always have something to say to one another and the conversations range from silly to thought provoking to life desires and so much more… so I don’t think that’s a big issue, he’s not a big phone person and neither am I, unless you’re one of my girls and we’re gossiping :-)….

Its odd… me and my ex, L… we work for the same company in London… just a coincidence… anyways, our relationship is odd…. We talk about a variety of things that friends talk about, but then we also talk about other items, that I wouldn’t necessarily share with even my closest friends… I guess it has more to do with the fact that, we’ve already crossed those lines and boundaries years ago, so we’re not as shy to discuss some topics that wouldn’t normally come up with regular friends… I must admit, since I don’t have a proper female pal yet in London, its nice to be able to talk to him about some of those things… but sometimes it’s a bit odd… like telling I was seeing someone was difficult… even though we talk about him and all the girls that are chasing him all the time and all that… it took me a little while to getting around to tell him that and when I finally did… he was surprised… we were in the mall after church talking when it came up… I do miss having my girls around or my sisters around… I mean I talk to them all the time in email, texts and on the phone, but its not quite the same cause they’re not here so they can’t truly understand what’s going on or meet the guy I’m always talking about and so on and so on…

Everything happens for a reason...

The last couple of days have been a complete blur to me… I’ve had so much happen that I don’t know what to begin… I found out about some information about my life (it’s a bit too personal for me to share), and it was big enough to threaten life as I know it… confused and dazed, and with no family in arm reach, I was left to make some hard decisions on my own… I was left to suffer the consequences of my actions… and as I struggled for the a few days about what I needed to do, what I should do, and looking for who to turn to, I found no answers for any of the questions… but then I went to church on Sunday… now usually have a long nite out of dancing and drinking on a Saturday evening, church usually didn’t happen the next day, but for some reason I woke up quite early on Sunday morning, tried to convince myself to go back to sleep, but it wasn’t working… so I reluctantly got out of my bed, go dressed and made the 45/50 minute commute to my church… and boy can I say that I’ve never been happier to go to church in my life… I go to Jesus House in Brent Cross, and it was only the second service I’d been to, but the sermon that pastor preached on Sunday touched me in a way that no other pastor or sermon had every reached me before… maybe it was because I was going through a tough time, maybe because I’ve never felt so alone in my life, or maybe because I needed to touch my heart… I simply don’t know… but as I wept (yes, little old me wept in church), I’d never felt so at peace with things in life… As the day progressed, I realized that I didn’t wake up early because I wasn’t tired or because the sun was shining into my room or because of any other reason than the fact that God knew that I needed to hear that sermon on Sunday in order to help me get thru my situation… me, not being one that likes to really show my emotions or vulnerable side, especially in public, was sitting in touch crying because I had been touched so much by the messaged preached on Sunday afternoon.

I know that everything happens for a reason… and although we may not be able to always understand or see the reasoning for certain things happening, I have no doubt that everything does happen for a reason. Am I going to become that overly religious person that preaches to everyone, everywhere, all the time… nope, its not in me to be that person… but I am becoming that person who is more guarded about the special relationship she has with God, making sure that nothing and no one comes between her and her creator… a person who has restored faith and hope, not only in life, but more importantly in myself… a person who see a light at the end of the tunnel, that just a few days was so dark… a person at peace with what life has brought her and how she has responded… a person who understands that you can’t truly know happiness unless you’ve truly known pain and sorrow… a person who can rejoice because she’s seen trials and tribulations and has survived to become a better and stronger person because of it… a person she can look at in the mirror everyday, smile at and respect… a person that is stronger than she ever thought possible…. a person that knows she’s going to try her best to be all she can be, but realizes that no one, but God, is perfect… a person that knows that life works in mysterious ways, and it is not my place to try to understand, but rather my place to have faith…

“Love truth, and pardon error.” ~Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

“Desire, ask, believe, receive. “~Stella Terrill Mann

“Sometimes it seems like God is difficult to find and impossibly far away. We get so caught up in our small daily duties and irritations that they become the only things that we can focus on. What we forget is that God's love and beauty are all around us, every day, if only we would take the time to look up and see them.” ~Matthias

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” ~Mother Teresa

“EVERY path may lead you to God, even the weird ones. Most of us are on a journey. We’re looking for something, though we’re not always sure what that is. The way is foggy much of the time. I suggest you slow down and follow some of the side roads that appear suddenly in the mist.” ~Real Live Preacher

so much to share....

where do i start... loads had happened since i last blogged, which was just 5 days ago... i'll start with the highlights and work from there...

I seeing/dating someone, T... its official... how long did that take?? really, i've been in London for all of a month and a half and i'm already seeing someone... i have to admit, he is one of the few guys out of all the many that i've met, that really intrigues me.... we met my second weekend in London... well apparently we met, to be honest i don't remember really meeting him or talking to him for that long, but apparently we met at this club in London, we were all in the VIP section celebrating a friend of a friend's birthday... anyways, then we ran into each other again a couple weeks later, and this time he pulled me to the side and we talked briefly, exchanged numbers and went about our ways... he never called and I didn't think twice about it (with the whole 'American' accent thing, i was getting loads of attention :-))... then one day i was hanging out with a friend, D and my friend said that his friends were coming to pick us up to go out to get drinks and go to a club... i wasn't particularly in the mood to go clubbing and was about to call a taxi to go home, but i changed my mind... and when the taxi got there, with D's friends in the car, low and behold, there was the same guy, T, who i'd met before... anyways, at first destination of the evening, he promptly pulled me to the side to apologize for not calling, saying alot had been going on... and i simply replied 'that's cool, no biggie'... but he was determined to let me know he was still interested... when we finally got to the club, he managed to get me all to himself, which i honestly didn't mind... actually to be truthful, i really enjoyed :-)... and well we ended up hanging out together at the club the entire nite... we even managed to snug once or twice (so snug is a new lingo i've picked up since i've been in London, anyways, it means kiss)... yeah i know not typically my style, but for some reason he and I really clicked and it felt quite natural... and as i rode in my taxi home after the club, i hoped that he would called the next day as promised... and he did and the day after that and do on... and well, now we're dating :-)... now, all of this leads me to a conclusion that i realized the other day (ok, i didn't just realized it, i always knew it, but I would never admit it)... i'm scared shit less of commitment... i guess it scares me cause he brought it up, and it wasn't me that was asking about it... it does scare the living day lights out of me and now that i'm sorta committed to someone, it scares me... and you can bet that i shared that with him... not the part about being afraid of commitment, but rather about how everything scared me a little... and he replied saying 'but why, there's no need to be scared'.... and that calmed my nerves... but still...

imagine how surprised my best friends were when they heard the news... little Miss DD is committed to someone... they couldn't believe their ears and trust me, i don't blame them....

aside from all the hoopla about guys and this whole commitment things... i'm looking at the possibility of moving out of the flat that i'm currently renting... truth me told, i want to move a little closer to central London, I want to be closer to work (or at least live where its a better commute) and finally i need my own space... i have 2 flat mates, T & C... C is hella cool, quite and down to earth, really easy to get along with... no issues... T on the other hand is well... i just can't deal with it, the thing is we get along, but she irritates me and i can't take it anymore... i've tried to overlook it, but its difficult and i'm slowly losing my mind... you can tell that T was the only girl in her family, cause she's not use to sharing or being considerate of others, but then that doesn't make sense either cause she clearly shared accommodations with others when she was in undergrad, so i just don't understand... i don't like to nag and that's why i don't mention most of the things, but i can't be anyone's mother and be cleaning after people and so on... its not my style and something i am simply NOT use to ( i am the last born you know)... anyways, currently i live in Northeast London, and I'm looking to move to Northwest London... better locations and closer to the things that i need... and apparently i'm paying too much for the room that i am renting... i thought it was a little high, but not too bad, but it was cool cause i had a big enough walk-in closet (which is very important to me) and i was suppose to have my own bathroom attached just to my room.... well, i got the closet, but bathroom yet, the room is there, but they haven't out the bathroom yet , and no there's no deduction of my monthly rent... and the more i thought about it, th more I realized that i was being ripped off a little... they least they could do is take some of the monthly rent until the bathroom is built... anyways, all that aside, i think i'd be happier living by myself, especially since i've never really lived by myself, i think this would be a good opportunity since i'm getting to know my way around and adjusting to life without my family at a stone's throw... anyways, the goals is to start looking and move out by the end of the year... i just have to figure out a way to get out of my lease....

anyways, i should get back to doing my homework, cause that's what i was doing before i decided i need to update the blog world...

the first days of work...

so today was my second day of work... the work environment is okay, gonna take a little getting use to thought... its an open floor plan where i can see all my supervisors, managrs and co-workers... which means that they can see me as well :-/.... i guess it'll help to keep me focused on my work and all... but i do miss being in a cube and having a little privacy, but i must admit the open floor plan forces you to be more socialable and get to know your surrounding co-workers (whether you want to or NOT)... so far just been doing alot of reading of manuels and documents... not very fun, but necessary i guess...

anyways, i guess as the weeks go on, I'll begin to explore the work office and building... meet new people not on my floor... hopefully find some good eye candy :-)... and just interact with others within the company... the dress code for work is 'smart'... which is such an english term.... usually the american way to describe it would be work business casual... anyways, i do like that the dress code is business casual... my past jobs have been more casual dress... jeans and etc, even though my past jobs were in the corporate world, it was just a relaxed worked environment.. anyways, this business casual dress code will allow me to dress up more frequently... also give me more reason to go shopping :-)...

anyways on to other things..... tomorrow I'm going to lunch with the ex, L ... we work for the same company, but not in the same building... so he's treating me to lunch tomorrow... we're meeting for lunch and he better be treating me to lunch!!!

hmmm, so let me ask a general question... what's the deal with people you meet thru an online community such as Hi5 or Facebook... I guess my main question is, would you take the person serious or does it depends on the person and situation... i'll elaborate more on this topic soon.... and of course i do have a reason for asking ;-)...

i quite tired and will be back to write some more meaningful post in the next couple of days... but for now i'm off to bed...

off to work tomorrow...

tomorrow is my first day of work in the UK... i'm all prepared... i have my high waisted skirt, with my white and black pin striped shirt from Hawes & Curtis... my black heels... my carrying bag... to say i'm excited is an understatement... can't wait to see how things work out tomorrow... let's hope there's some good eye candy in the office...

anyways, what a night last night (saturday) was... lets just say that the 'date' i went on didn't go so well.... but i'll devulge of that information on my next blog entry... til then... ta ta...

~DD

lazy Saturday days....

So a nice lazy Saturday day… isn’t this nice… it would be except that I miss my little nephew waking me up at 8 something in the morning, and even though its quite obvious that I’m asleep, but he proceeds to have a conversation with me and then proceeds to jumping on my bed… and well it hard not having a list of things to do and places to go. So I guess its cause I haven’t started work yet and schools and just getting started so my schedule isn’t as packed as it usually is…

Today my day consists of hanging out all day doing nothing…. Running to the shopping center to pick up some items… and then going on a date… a date that I don’t really wanna go on… well its not that I don’t want to go, but its that the guy wants to be more than friends, and well I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not just that interested… for me, I usually know right away whether or not I like a guy, its not a process of getting to know him or not, its usually its immediate or not… that’s not to say that in the past that I haven’t grown to like some guys in the past, but it was usually over a long period of time, such a years and not necessarily weeks… and well since I’m only in London for a year and a half, well lets be honest its probably not gonna happen…

I miss my family and friends… I miss my old life style and everything in the states… sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision to move to London… why give up the good job, great friends, free living and everything else I had in the states, to basically come here to start all over… but then again the experience so far has been good… I’ve learned so much about myself and how I can adjust and adapt to things… life is quite different, but its different good…

I’m not gonna turn this blog into a miss the states and my old life blog, but more of a blog about my adventures in London… and my adjustment to the culture…

Back In Action... in London...

Where do I start…. So its been forever since I’ve written in my blog…. Due to a variety of reasons… including no time, limited access to the internet, moving to London, school, work, getting settled in and on and on…

So anyways, on to more important things… I made the move to Londo.n… moved here the first week of September… got a full time job offer the second week of September… so I started to get settled in and adjust into life in London…

London is good so far… so many things to say and I don’t know where to start…

Okay, so I knew that the move would be drastic and would take a little while to get use to things here… its not the big differences, but rather the smaller things that get to you… the small things like the lingo/slang, the fact that they don’t have biscuits at KFC (yeah I know, its crazy), they call fries ‘chips’, there are no preserves in the food (so everything goes bad within a few days), its crazy hard to get a bank account, walking around in 4 inch heels are a negative and well, the people are rude, and well the list goes on and on and on…. But while complain :-)…. There’s so many good things about London, the accents are amazing, everyone is so amazed by my ‘American’ accent (that they are extra nice!!!), the fashion is unbelievable, the shops are amazing, people can be very nice and accommodating, the public transport is great, they show a lot of American shows and so on and so on….

My adventures in London have been many since I landed here about 6 weeks ago… its been non-stop relaxing and chilling for the first 5 weeks… I finally started school this week and I start next week… so I guess I’ll be getting settled into a routine soon and won’t be sleeping in and going out all the time anymore… oh well, it was good while it lasted, but to be honest, I’m ready to get back to working after a 6/7 week vacation….

School so far is good… can’t really complain yet… the classes are good and engaging most of the time… I haven’t started work yet, but I guess its worth mentioning that my ex, L (click here to read more about him or here) works there as well… no I’m not a stalker (LOL)… he only started working there about a week or 2 before I got the offer, it was just mere coincidence that we both got job offers from the same company… and as much as I like being around him, I’m glad that we’re not working in the department…

Anyways, I’ve met an interesting assortment of guys here so far…. I don’t know where to even begin with the guys… but so far they’ve made my stay in London interesting and engaging, as an understatement….

Anyways, I’ll be doing a much better job of keeping my blog updated…

Hiatus....

wow... i can't believe its been almost a month since i last posted... i have not desserted my blog... just taking an hiatus for a little bit... time has been flying by... 2 weeks from today, I'll b getting on the plan and heading to London... I'm nervous, excited, scared and even more excited....

I can't believe that the time is almost here for me to pack up all my things and move abroad to LONDON...

I promise that i will gt back into blogging once i'm not so busy... and even if i'm busy i'll find time to blog... i plan on sharing all my advantures of moving across the world with ya'll...

gotta run.... being the procastinator that i am, i'm just purchasing my ticket tonite... yeah i know... but everything is falling into place and once i buy my ticke tonight, it'll be more real... OMG...

aiight, i'll be back soon to update, fill in and so forth.... hope u all are doing well... i'll be back soon!!!

~DD

I forgot...

I literally forgot about my blog in the mist of trying to find a flat, flat mate, a part time job, making decisions and just with getting my life straightened out here in the states before the big move...

I still can't believe that it’s the end of July, and in a few short weeks... I’ll be moving to London...
When I first started contemplating the idea of moving, it was just that an that, an idea… but now that it’s almost reality, I’m excited, nervous, sad, hopefully, encouraged and so much more…

Suddenly its not as important to go out to parties and I’m cooling just hanging with the fam… man, I know I have a very close family, but I just didn’t think I’d get this sad about moving away for a year… as excited as I am about the move, I’m more excited about my family and friends coming to visit… everyone has already started making plans to come and visit in London… While I believe that London is going to be a phenomenal experience, I can’t help but feeling a little sad about being away from my family… this will be the furthest I’ve ever been away from my family for an extended amount of time… and being the baby of the family I enjoy my place in the family and its gonna be hard not to be around my siblings… we hand out every weekend… so that’ll be a change that’ll be hard to get use to…. I think I should buy some stock in phone cards as much as I know my family and I will be using them J….

I’m a little stressed though… I haven’t quite decided what I’m gonna be doing in London… crazy, yeah I know… I’ve been accepted to 4 schools: Manchester U, Imperial College, City U and London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine (University of London)… and I’ve been accepted in an Internship program that comes with a graduate certificate from Cambridge… Options are great to have, but I’m stressed as to which to do… I’m going to pray on it and just take it from there… either way though, I need to make a decision ASAP… so I’m going to take the weekend to pray and think through all the options available to me and take it from there….

Here’s my update so far… I’ve found a house mate and a house to live… she’s a young Nigerian girl who’s starting med school this fall… and from the interactions we’ve had, she seems pretty cool… someone that I’ll get along with… so I’m very excited about that…

Hope you are all doing well.... I’ll update again soon :-)….

One year Anniversary... NEED FLAT TO RENT!!!

So... i first published my first blog a year ago today.... wow, it's been a whole year already... time sure does fly... i'm honestly not sure where the time went!!! anyways.. happy one year anniversary to me :-)...


Hmmm... i'm moving to London... I'm looking for a flatmate or house mate... preferrably someone nigerian, a female, and someone that's sane :-) ... if u know of anyone looking for a flat mate to move in around mid-august/early september, please let know ASAP...

I'll be back very soon to reflect about my year of blogging and to catch everyone up on my move to London... only 4 and a half more weeks!!!

~DD

randomness...

The 4th was cool… did some much needed relaxing… small family cookout with the usual people, it was cool… weird that the holiday was in the middle of week… but I’m not complaining about a day off, I’ll take whatever I can get!!!

London here I come… so I’m still awaiting word about my internship program in London… I’ve been accepted into the program, but now I’m doing interviews with companies… so things are definite until I get a job offer from a company in UK… but of course, me being me, I had a back up plan!!! I found out on Tuesday evening that I got accepted into a Masters Program at the University of London… excited… I’ve also been accepted to City University and Manchester University… I ended up turning down the offer Manchester cause they made me an offer really early in March and I have to give them a decision by May, before I heard back from any other programs I had applied to. I’m still waiting to hear back from Imperial… but most likely if the internship doesn’t work out, I’ll be going to the University of London…. I am determined to move to the UK…

Hmmm… so RFM and I hung out Tuesday evening… after we had our discussion and we decided to be just friends… well apparently he forget within the short 24hr period about the discussion, but I gently reminded him… its an interesting situation and we’re working thru it… but I have to admit that for some reason I am more attracted to him now that we’re just friends, cause he’s more of himself and I’m more me… but I plan on just keeping it friends… i'm good at keep things platonic with exs, not perfect, but i handle it well...

Just Friends...

So we (RFM and I) finally talked, and much to my amazement it went ok… it went from ok, to bad, to funny, to cool… no need to get into the nitty gritty details… but we discussed things and I said I think we’d be better off as friends… of course we talked about it and he asked where did it come from and I tried to answer his questions as best as possible… and I didn’t have all the answers and I didn’t want to go nit picking about everything that bother me, but I did get a couple of the major things that bothered me off my chest though, which I think he may have needed to hear… but I did it in the most non criticizing, constructive manner that I could… and he took it quite well… and then he started opening up, which felt like miracle to me… we talked about things, said we would be friends (I’m friend’s with most guys that I have ever talked to or dated)… so I told him, he should feel free to be open to me and to having a friendship… that I’ll be there for him cause I do care about him and I do think he’s a great guy… so after all that was said, it was like we were friends immediately… all the posing, all the hesitation was gone, and our conversations flowed so much better and it just felt right again… its weird, I instantly felt comfortable with him on the phone as soon as I put him in the friend’s category… I was able to just be me… goofy, outgoing and normal without hesitation, and it felt great… and it was clear that he let his guard down as well and he was just so laid back and easy going (and for a few minutes there I remembered exactly why I was attracted to him in the first place)… so out of no where he asks if I wanted to hang out tomorrow evening… and well it works for my schedule, so why not… so we’re gonna hang out tonight… and don’t go getting any ideas… we’re just friends… and I’m cool with that for now….

Luving 'The A'

Ok… so I’ve underestimated Atlanta… can I say that Atlanta is definitely off the hook… it took forever for me to get out of BWI airport on Thursday evening… but I eventually got to Atl a little before midnight… went to pick up my rental car, got a free upgrade to a mustang and I must admit I was looking good in that white mustang… made it to my lines sister’s place around 1am… it was good seeing her and spending quality time with her… I miss her and didn’t spend nearly as much time with her, but it was great seeing her… met up with my home girl, AG on Friday, she was the reason I went to ATL in the first place… she picked me up Friday afternoon and the party was just getting started… we spend Friday grocery shopping for this huge cookout she was having on Saturday… then off to happy hour with some friends from college… then off to the clubs… had a great time Friday… and Saturday, woke up early to start preparing… we were expecting bout 200 plus people for the cookout, so there was a lot of work to be done… while AG was off getting her hair done and running errands, she left me to do the dirty work… I was left to seasoning all the food, and cooking and making sure everything would be ready… it was cool though, cause well I enjoy cooking and AG’s is one of my good friends, so I knew I’d be there to help make sure everything went well… anyways, abundant people, food and drinks is an understatement… the pool party was great, the turnout was unbelievable and well, lets just say the drinks were flowing… or rather overflowing… it was amazing to see so many of friends, some whom I haven’t seen since I left college in 04, some since the last homecoming…. Anyways, after a long day and an even longer nite of partying, we were all up pretty early on Sunday morning… and I was sad I was packing… a bunch of people crashed at AG’s place… it was like 7 on us there just chillin the next morning… anyways, I thought about changing my flight so I could extend this much needed vacation, but it turned out I couldn’t so I quickly packed up my bags and head for the airport around noon… made it home later in the evening… I was knocked out on the flight back to Bmore, cause as I said; I got little sleep over the weekend... back home and back to reality… hmmm… but I totally understand why my girl, AG loves Atlanta… it was cool

anyways, I was ready to deal with the whole situation with RFM… but when I called he didn’t pick up… and he finally called me like some fours hours later around midnight talking about ‘what are you up to’…. Really, at midnight on a Sunday night, what the hell do u think I’m doing… I was half sleep… but I managed to say that I wanted to finished the convo, and well he managed to put it off again, saying oh, he’s driving can we do it some other time… and I said sure, how does tomorrow sound… and he got all stressed and ask was I coming over… hmmm, in my mind I was thinking the phone would do just fine (cause I was not planning to go to his place)… but I told him I’d call him from work and let him know, that it depended on how much catching up I had to do from leaving work early last week… if you know me, you know that work is NOT my first priority, the moment that excuse came off my lips, I realized that I was done cause I never use work as an excuse unless I’m REALLY trying to get out of something… anyways, I’ll call him later and see if we can meet half way or if he wants to come to Baltimore, I’m not trying to drive the 30 minutes to get to his place…

On a completely different note, I talked to my ex and very good friend, L… L lives in London (no don’t go getting any ideas)… it was cool catching up with him; we talk fairly often actually… When I get to London I will definitely be his side kick for a minute til I get use to things on my own… but he already knows that….

Anyways, I’ll blog about some of the things I saw and experienced in Atlanta thru out this week…

ATL...

I'm going to Atlanta... (or the A or ALT as some may call it :-) )... anyways, i've worried myself enough about things with RFM... and i've come to a point of acceptance... i'm done with the situation... me and RFM have not finished our conversation and to be honest i don't if we ever will... i called him briefly last nite to say hello and see how he was doing... we spoke for a couple of minutes... i asked did he want to finish the conversation from Sunday and he said can we do it later... and i said of course that's fine (only because i know he had a long day at work)... but in the last 24 to 48 hours i'd made up my mind... i'm done, i can't do it anymore... so that's that... at this point, i'm not sure if its even necessary to finish the conversation, i feel like i've reached out to him yestersday and its his turn to do the same... but as i said, I'm done... (would it be okay if i just send him a text or email, saying no need to finish the convo, lets just go out seperate way??? i mean why not use technology in my advantage)
(btw, the name RFM stood for Right For Me... well because i thought he was right for me at one point, but sadly i was mistaken... in all the excitement of a new love, it is easy to get carried away...)

so anyways... off to Atlanta tonight... i'm excited!!! its my first weekend that i'll spend in Atl... I've been there once before, that was earlier this year but it was for work, it was in the winter time and it was in the middle of the work week... i really excited because i get to spend time with my line sister as well as spend time with a bunch of my friends that live in Atlanta and my girl is throwing a pool party on Saturday and I definitely plan on enjoying myself... besides i need an extended weekend and a mini vacation from the drama in my life and all the stress that i've been putting myself thru...

have a great weekend... because i know i will... stay blessed!!!

The Talk...

I’m not crazy… I promise you all that… i'm just confused about what i want, that's all...

Anyways, we finally had our talk on Sunday evening… I wanted to have it earlier, but we we’re celebrating his birthday on Friday night and bunch of his friends were coming out of town and I didn’t want to ruin that for him… so anyways, after a long weekend we finally got a chance to talk last night as I was cooking dinner for us… I sat him down and I asked him all the questions that were going thru my head about what I saw in the trash in his bathroom, that suspicious phone calls and so on… and then I said that maybe it would be best if we were just friends… and that’s when things got interesting… he didn’t understand why or where it was coming from… we talked and talked… and well here it goes… he said that he really didn’t understand why I wanted to be just friends or rather associates, that he’s being honest with me, that he’s not talking or seeing anyone else… that he’s been honest and open with me from the beginning and that why would he start lying to me now… he went on about what did he do and how can we fix it and so on…. And to tell you the truth, that broke my heart to hear him asking those questions… it hurts me just thinking about it again… and now I’m confused… he answered every question that I had for him and they were reasonable answers… and I told him I wanted to believe him, but it was hard to… so we stopped talking… we ate dinner… and then we started talking again… he said he understood where I was coming from, but just didn’t know what to say or think…and I felt like we were going in circles, cause at that point I didn’t know what I wanted either… and well I still don’t… and so we left it at I should think about where I want to go with things and he should go and think about what he wanted…

And well, what am I thinking…. I’m thinking I really truly care about this RFM, and that he’s a great guy… and even if he is telling me the truth about everything (which I think he is), I’m thinking he just may not be the right great guy for me… maybe I just need some time to think things thru and figure things out in my head… and then I’m thinking maybe I’m just being typical me and ending what could be a really good thing… or am I making the right decision because I know that as great as RFM is, there are some things that I can’t necessarily deal with… and that maybe we’d both be happier with other people that we would be more compatible with… and so I just don’t know…

That chick... you know which one i'm talking about...

That chick…

First let me say, because of this posting you’re about to read, I will most likely never reveal my identity and always keep my blog anonymous… this posting is looooong, but definitely worth it for the gist… anyways, on to the story…

We all know her… some of us have even been her, myself in the past included… but at my age, with my experiences, and with all that I have to offer, I refuse to be that chick…. Now, who’s that chick I’m talking about…. She’s the one that has some doubts about her man, has a sneaky suspicion that he’s cheating on her or that he’s up to no good, she’s the one that ignores all the little signs in hopes of not connecting the dots to reveal that her man ain’t no good… thats who that chick is (please note that there are many, many levels and variations of being that chick, this is just my description of it at the shallowest level)…

I know this seems to be coming out of left field… but what can you really do when life throws u a curve ball… lemme explain… went to go see my ‘boo’, RFM last night… haven’t really chilled at his place in about a week and a half or so, maybe 2 weeks, just cause life’s been busy for both of us and so on… before I go on, I know my own faults as a person, and I will point them out to others as to alleviate them having to discover it later… but one of my things is that I over analyze, I watch and observe people very closely… I do it so naturally that its very difficult for others to realize that I am watching and analyzing their every move, word, gesture and so on… and yes I’ve mentioned it to RFM several times that I’m very observant… anyways, as we chilled at his place after we finished eating dinner… I was watching TV and he was by the counter doing something on his laptop when I heard him talking on the phone (his phone is always on vibrate, so I didn’t hear it ring), but the minute I heard his voice, my ears perked up… first I could hear that it was a female on the other end of the phone and then he spoke in a lower, slightly deeper voice (that was the first alarm), then when he said hello he didn’t say the person’s name like “Hello So and so” he just said hello, now normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but we’re ALL creatures of habit and he normally says hello with the person’s name at the end, so why the change (alarm number 2 went off in my head) and then he straight up lied to the female on the phone and said “I’m still at work, I’ll call u later” and he hung up… first thing that came to mind, why lie? But more importantly why all the different behavior… I didn’t say anything about it, I let it go…

As the nite went on, things got even more interesting… we were upstairs chilling in his room, and well u know how that goes… but then out of no where, he says I don’t have any condoms… in my mind I was like What?? cause I distinctly remember there being some left over in the dress my his bed, that’s my side of the bed and its where I put my stuff and I definitely remember there were some left (alarm in my head… where’d the condoms go???) and then he said he has some in his care (alarm in my head… why do u have them in your car? Then he gave me this BS story that since he’s younger (much younger) brothers were around for the week that he didn’t want to leave them laying around so he put them in his car (which is what he used to do to prevent his mother from finding them… ok, sure)… so I left it alone, it sounded believable enough…

So he went out to the car to go get them and then I went to the bathroom and was about to walk out the bathroom, but I needed a trash can (but then I remember he doesn’t have one in his bathroom, which I thought was so annoying)… anyways, that’s when I noticed that he had a bag on the back of the door that he was using as the trash bag, well it was two bags, so I looked in to make sure I threw my trash in the right bag because both looked almost empty, and low and behold… what do I find… two empty condom wraps… mind you, this trash bag was not there when I came to visit a week and a half ago and it was fairly empty… all kinds of thought ran thru my head… (now, lets be real, if you were really trying to hide the condoms from your younger brothers, why would u have empty wrappers in the trash that everyone uses…) so when he came back I asked him you know what’s up, is he sleeping with other people… and with the straightest face he replied no and where did that question come from… I told him it just came to my mind cause there were some left last time I was around and also when he said he put the condoms in the car, NO I never told him I saw the empty condom wrappers in the bathroom trash, couldn’t bring myself to say it and really put him on the spot… he went on saying he didn’t have a reason to lie to me about it and started rambling and that was a little out of character for him, which I of course noticed… then we talked about it and then I left the topic alone… we kissed and made up and I left a little bit later…. But I did realize that later on in the evening (before I left) he went to the bathroom to throw something away and spend an abnormal amount of time in the bathroom, I think he saw the condom wrappers in the trash as well and he may think I saw them, cause once he came out of the bathroom he wasn’t himself and it was obvious… but he didn’t say anything about it and well, neither did i… me I acted as though everything was normal and was as sweet as I could be… trust me, I have my reasons though…

Now… a couple of my previous posts about RFM were full of me doubting things and thinking about ending it and while I never really explained where those feeling came from, I will now (I mean, I’ve already put everything else out there on the table right)…

1. I had a dream about RFM and how he went on a date with a girl. In this dream there were some specific details, such as he ordered shrimp and other stuff… I mentioned it to RFM jokingly of course just to gauge his reaction… he laughed it off and gave me an explanation that had waaayyyyy too much detail about him staying at home to watch the NBA finals alone and then he was like I don’t really like/eat shrimp … really cause on our first real date, he ordered shrimp (caught in a lie?)… and normally this wouldn’t be a big deal… but with two distinct relationships where I was being cheated on, I usually had a dream that foretold the future… like I would have the dream and then everything would fall out with the next week or two… its actually a little scarey… its like I don’t trust my own instincts and my inner being feels it necessary to show it to me in a dream… I don’t dream often, but when I do dream, especially about someone I am dating, what happens in the dream usually always happens… so for me to see him on a date with another female in my dream was a Hugh red flag for me… and of course I brushed it off as me being paranoid, but in reality I knew I wasn’t being paranoid, I’ve had two previous experiences to rely on, y doubt myself now…
   
2. RFM and I were at a party that I was promoting/working at, and he was chatting up this girl, and at one point I thought I saw him get her number cause he was playing in his phone as he walked away from her… I really did convince myself that he was just probably just looking at the time or something…
   
3. Another example, a bunch of us went to brunch one day, it was about 8 of us, and RFM and I didn’t seat next to each other (no big deal, it was actually my own doing that that happened), anyways, he spent half the lunch texting somebody and I mean serious texting, like every few minutes over a 2 hour brunch, and it wasn’t me he was texting..
   
4. I’ve had a gut feeling that things weren't as they seemed… suspicions that he was talking or seeing another girl, but I thought that maybe it was just my imagination and that I was being to critical...
   
5. He makes me feel insecure about things between us, now I’d never admit this to him, but he definitely doesn’t make me feel secure about things between us, some of these feelings may be from that whole fight we had, but not all of them… now you must understand this insecurity may not sound like a big deal but it is, especially since its so hard for me to feel insecure about things such as a relationship…
   
6. He’s made me feel so insecure some times that I turn into the jealous girlfriend, which I absolutely hate with a passion… I can’t be with someone who brings out the worst in me…. (note: I know I can be a jealous person, but I’m usually not because I’m hardly put in that position where I have to question everything about him, me and the relationship… its just to much stress and anxiety)
   
7. More and more I realize that we don’t spend as much time together…

Its not that I didn’t see all of these things before, but I never sat down and really thought about it… I didn’t really take the time out to analyze where my insecurities about our relationship was coming from and once I did that last night after I left his place, it was crystal clear… am I crazy, maybe… but this situation is driving me crazy… and i have to put a stop to it!!!

And can I be completely honest… RFM is a great guy, but he may not be the great guy for me… you see on some subconscious level I know that RFM is probably not for me, but he had everything that’s on my imaginary checklist for a guy, of course there were some minor things, but I was willing to work on them with him and just settle… I know, I shouldn’t settle… but as I said he had everything on that imaginary checklist that I look for in a guy…. I don’t know how things are going to turn out, but my friend gave me some great advice last night, she said it may be time to throw away that checklist girl… and she may very well be right… should I settle with him, even though I know there are some things lacking from the relationship simply because he has everything on this damn checklist in my mind, well I was willing to do that… don’t get me wrong, I do like him and I am attracted to him… but my feelings for him do not even being to compare to the two people I’ve ever been in love with… and well I thought I could make it grow, but maybe not… for example, the first guy I truly fell in love with we dated for a while, and even 8, 9 months into the relationship I still got butterflies when I saw him or when he called me, I still felt like we were on cloud nine, and most people know the honeymoon phrase is usually over some time between 3 to 6 months… anyways, as things continue to unfold in the next couple of days, we’ll all have to wait and see how things play out… but I do plan on telling him this weekend that I want to call it quits cause I can’t be that chick, but I’ll wait til after his birthday things on Friday, don’t want to ruin his 25th birthday… so hopefully Saturday or Sunday I can get some face time with him and just talk things thru… and better believe that I will tell him all the things that I mentioned about… I really want to hear his explanation about the empty wrappers in the trash bad…anyways, only time will tell, but I know I can’t continue to go with my eyes closed, I refuse to be that chick…

what r your thoughts on this whole situation....

smooth sailing...

I’ve been on hiatus for a bit… and now I’m back… let’s see where do I start…

Mr. RFM and I… are…. still together… we’re still working on things and making it work… I have to be honest, for a little bit there I thought that it was about to come to a screeching halt… that things would not be able to be fixed… anyways, after a week of not really talking or communicating, we sat down and had face to face conversation about things… and well it went better then I expected… we have different communication styles… when I have a problem I want to fix it immediately (at least most of the time)…. Where as he wants to take a step back, re-evaluate things, let things calm down and then try to move on (without really discussion)… and I had to let him know that that drives me crazy and that we need to find a compromise to deal with issues… so we talked things out, we both said what we had to say and we kissed and made up… still wasn’t sure if things were back to normal, but as we spent the next couple of days together, things seem to fall right back into place…. And now I feel like we’re actually closer than before… I feel like I can open up more to him then before… which is definitely a good thing…. Things are good… we’re smooth sailing…

Ok… so I know that you’ll have heard of the ‘representative’ in the early stages of the relationship… well I think we’re definitely past that now and we’re comfortable with one another….

At first I didn’t use to think that the whole representative thing exists, you know how people put up an ‘act’ and are on best behavior when you first meet… but I guess it true… but usually the representative is not too far from what the person is really like… I’ve come to the realization that RFM doesn’t know all the sides of me yet… some more pleasant than others… he saw one of them during the argument we had a few weeks ago, but he hasn’t really seen my party side… not to say that I party like that :-)…. But I do like to have a good time… and well he’s gonna get to see that side of me this weekend… he’s turning 25 on Saturday and we’re going to celebrate at Love (Love the Club formerly known as Dream)… anyways, we got a table there and some of my girls are coming thru and a couple of his boys are coming into town to help celebrate… and its gonna be a lot going on that nite… excited cause I haven’t really been out to a club in a minute, just been going to lounges and house parties and the sort… but I’m looking forward to Love, haven’t been there since January of this year, and it use to be my old stomping grounds back in the day…

On to a totally different topic… I’m still scheduled to move to London at the end of the summer for an internship / graduate degree program… I’m currently doing interviews with different companies in hopes that I’ll get an offer… once I get a job offer and get all of that sorted out, things will be more official… but I’m scheduled to leave in 8 ½ weeks… man, that blows my mind… its only 2 months away…. EXCITED!!!

some quotes to think on....

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. ~General Douglas MacArthur

Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you ready or not, to put this plan into action. ~Napoleon Hill

If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it. ~Brendan Francis

Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possiblity. ~Oprah Winfrey

Our first big fight...

So the RFM and I are having (you I said having and not had as in past tense) our first real fight… you know that fight that decides if we’re gonna try to stick it thru and go our separate ways… that fight where u may learn some unpleasant thing about your significant other… you know exactly what I’m talking about don’t you… well, I’m not going to go thru all the details of our first fight… but let’s just say its been going on for about 6 days now… six long, hard, tortuous days (maybe I’m being a bit dramatic…) but it has been a long six days… and well, to tell you the truth I feel that the fight started with something RFM did, and he believes that I escalated the whole situation and blew it out of proportion… and he didn’t like the way I reacted… what’s funny, well not really funny but more hypocritical, is that he reaction to be ‘blowing things out of proportion’ has been blown out of proportion… how can u be mad/irritated/annoyed with me because u feel that I overacted to something, only for your own reaction to be overacted as well… isn’t that a little backwards… so anyways, that’s what’s been keeping me busy and away from blogging.. I hope to get this situation resolved soon and very soon, but only time will tell… anyways, I’m off to try and get things resolved (and for once I actually do want things to be resolved, instead of me just leaving the situation alone and stop talking to the guy…)… there are only 2 things that i see possible that can happen... either we learn from this situation and continue to grow together from it or we go our seperate ways and just be friends/associates... I’ll be back… and hopefully things will work out the way that I hope they will...

P.S. yes, I know my last post about me tripping when things start to get a little serious, but I honestly don’t think its me this time… and I’m more than willing to work things out cause I truly think this could work out…

confessions of a commitment-phobic

Have you ever met a female that has relationship issues… I’m sure you have, but if you haven’t let me introduce you to myself… I’m Miss DD… won’t keep a guy for too long because she’s afraid that she’ll get hurt again like she did in the past… quick to find a fault or reason as to why things can’t or won’t work between her and the guy and when she finally finds a great guy that she’s comfortable, she’s ready to break it off because she’s afraid she’s gonna hurt him… where’s Dr. Phil when I need some advice… well since he’s not around to advice, I’m gonna have to dissect this on my own… but boy oh boy, where do I start…

Scared, nervous, and worried are a few ways to descript by attitudes towards relationships… let me give you a quick run down… mentally; I have a time line… I don’t know why, but I need to break away from it… a guy gets an initial 2 minutes for me to see if he peaks my interests (its usually obvious in the first 10 seconds)… if so, and things progress, then he gets an additional two week trial period for me to get to know them and see if we click… and after that I try to go with the flow… but somewhere around the 2 month mark, I start tripping… yes I’m admitting it, I START TRIPPING…. It could be almost anything, I’ll find a reason… why you may ask… here’s how I’ve always thought of it… once two people have been dating for about 3 months or so, they start to get out of the honeymoon phase and start developing a more serious relationship… they’re not floating on cloud nine anymore, but they start dealing with everything, all the small flaws and issues… you can’t just stop calling cause at this point you have to deal with it or ends things cause you’re in a semi-serious relationship… am I afraid of commitment… maybe just a little… maybe I just enjoy the honeymoon period of a new relationship so much that I just don’t want it to end and maybe that’s y I go from one relationship to the other, always give a legitimate excuse or reasons as to why it can’t work between me and him (whomever the guy may be)… or is it that I go into these relationships knowing that it wouldn’t work, but still wanted to enjoy the honeymoon period before it got too serious… I just don’t know…

How can I hope to ever have a successful and lasting relationship if I can’t seem to get out of this loop that I’ve gotten myself into…
But now that I’ve found someone, RFM, (RFM is the consultant, just changed his name) that it could truly work with, I’m scared shitless… I don’t want to hurt him… I know I’ve hurt some people in the past, but by no means was it intentional… but still it happened… and I don’t want to do that to him… RFM and I are good together, we compliment each other… he’s more reserved, while I’m more outgoing… he’s laidback and well, I’m not as laidback… and so much more…
And incase it hasn’t clicked, me and RFM have been talking for a while now and we’re coming up on 2 months, and I’m doing everything in my power to stay positive, go with the flow and pray that things work out the way they’re suppose to…

I’m sorry I’m just rambling… confused and rambling…


Some Quotes that i felt were appropriate for this post:

"Half of our mistakes in life arise from thinking when we ought to feel and feeling when we ought to think." ~Anon

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

"The quality of love and the duration of a relationship are in direct proportion to the depth of the commitment by both people to making the relationship successful. Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life." ~Brian Tracy

"Where once I gave all of me, fearless of the risks and confident of the reciprocity, I now hold a little back… should in case I might need that untouched kernel of self again… someday, to begin to rebuild myself…" ~anon

"If you want to experience love, you have to take the risk. Love's always worth the risk. And the trouble is if you don't risk anything, you risk even more" ~Anon

"There are two things to aim for in life: first to get when you want; and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." ~Logan Pearsall Smith

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk" ~The Dalai Lama

"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt" ~Anonymous

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." ~Bertrand Russell

the long weekend...

Memorial day weekend was good... I needed the 3 days weekend… drove down to NC for the first half of the weekend for a friend’s wedding… me and the bride graduated together in 2004… even though I was there I still can’t believe she’s married… she’s not the first of my friends from college to get married… but it makes me take a step back and re-evaluate things in my life… marriage is something that I aspire for, its something that most people aspire for, but sometimes it seems to out of reach… I thinks she’s happy with her fiancé… they met after college and have been dating for a while… and as long as she’s happy and he treats her well, then I wish them all of the best… the other thing about weddings is that they are mini-reunions for you and your friends… Although it wasn’t too many familiar faces, the ones that were there were good to see… the wedding was quite small actually, but it was so beautiful… it was held outside in a park in a gazebo and then reception was held at a nearby hotel… it was very classily, which I’m not surprised about cause she’s definitely a classily chick…

The consultant (and he needs another names, cause so much more than just a consultant… so from now on I’ll be referring to him as RFM, which I will explain one day, but for now that’s what I’ll call him) came back home (to MD) yesterday… he’s been away on travel for work for the last two weeks… and I just couldn’t wait to see him…. Needless to say, I missed him… we spent most of the day together, doing absolutely nothing and it was wonderful… we ate lunch and just relaxed for most of the day… a couple of people stopped by to see him, which was cool (especially since he asked me if it was ok with me before they came over)… he’s comfortable with having me and his friends interacting, which I like… and yesterday as we were chilling at his place, doing nothing really, I realized how much I really missed having him around, and how much I’m gonna miss having him around when I move to London…



“The quality of love and the duration of a relationship are in direct proportion to the depth of the commitment by both people to making the relationship successful. Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life.”~Brian Tracy

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

the random thoughts in my head...

Where do I begin… many things are running thru my mind at the moment and not quite sure where do I begin so that I don’t lose you in the mist of the craziness in my head…

Tall, dark and handsome… but much more… sincere, considerate, attentive and so much more…. Passionate yet quiet, amazing yet humble, loving yet not overbearing… these are the thoughts that come to mind about him… him, the consultant… although I try not to look to far ahead, but sometimes I just cannot help it… with him I see that a future is possible… we talk in future tense, but I try to be careful not to get my hopes to high, but I want to… I want to believe that he’s the one… my heart says yes, but my mind says no… my mind reminds me of how being too hopefully has hurt me in the past, while my heart only considers the feeling that I have for him and not the mistakes of the past… the more I realize that I’ll be leaving for London in a few months, the more I wonder as to what’s really going to happen with me and him… he comforts me and says that its only a year and we’ll both visit and so on… but in reality I don’t want to get my hopes up to high, but I truly hope that it works out….

I’m scared, nervous, and anxious… in less that 3 months I’ll be packing my stuff up and heading to London… every now and then it hits me hard, that I’ll be away from my family, friend and my comfort zone… they say change encourages grow and I hope they’re right… I know I’ll be forced to learn new ways and adapt to a new culture which I think will be a great experience… I just hope that it turns about to be the opportunity and experience that I want and need… Despite all the worries, I’m also excited, eager and looking forward to moving to London… I can’t wait to be immersed into the culture….

I got my promotion at work yesterday… a promotion that was more than six months over due… but I got… as the saying goes its better late than never… so I’ll take my promotion and be satisfied for now… because I know that my time with this company is limited…

And well the weekend is here… it took long enough to get here… but I’m grateful its here… its been a long week and I am drained... emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted… but there is no rest for the weary yet, there’s still so much that need to be done… this weekend I’m going to try to catch up on some sleep and try to relax a little… but I am definitely looking forward to memorial day weekend… one it’s a 3 day weekend, secondly I’m going to meet up with some college friends and lastly and most importantly, the consultant will be back from his business trip/training and I can’t wait to see him…

Anyways, have a blessed weekend…

reality sets in...

Reality has began to sunken in…. my uncle is gone… as I’ve spent everyday from the last week at my uncle’s place… being there to support my cousins and aunt, and just being there to help out… reality has really hit home… and it was all a bit too real… and as my mother got a last minute flight out of Nigeria over the weekend, she arrived on Monday afternoon, and well it was tough… its tough to see your mother in such pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do besides just being there for her and supporting her… I know its even harder for her to accept that her younger brother is gone… and while there’s nothing I can do to help ease any of their pains, we know that he’s in a better place… the two oldest children of my uncle are both graduating from college in the next week or so… its sad that their father, my uncle, won’t be there to see them reach such an accomplishment… and the other issue at hand… how do we tell the youngest child… she doesn’t know yet, but I’m sure she’s aware that something is going on with, but she doesn’t know yet… she’s merely only 8 years old and now her father is gone… how do you explain that to an eight year old in a way that she can understand, in a way that won’t totally destroy her… that is the task at hand now ….

And of course we have to lay my uncle to rest, but we have to do it in the right manner… details are still being sorted, but its hard… some hard decisions need to be made by people who are emotionally unstable at the moment… but they do have to be made… I pray that my family gets thru this crisis and that we become a stronger and closer family because of it… I’ll learn not to take people for granted because life is simply too short to do so… and while I may never see my uncle again, his memory will live on in all of our minds, in our pictures, in our stories, but most importantly in our hearts… he’s left an impression that will never fade, so I hope that he will lay in peace knowing that and also knowing that his children are in good hands and will be taken care of… and so while we all continue to grieve for this tragic lost, we’re also celebrating the great life that he had, the great person that he was, and the legacy that he leaves behind…

~Stay blessed

taken away too soon...

So yesterday, on May 9th 2007 my uncle pasted away, my mother's younger brother, the same uncle who use to live with us when him and his entire family moved here from Nigeria in the mid-ninities... and well, i'm at a lost of words... trying to make sense of life... trying to support and comfort his children, my four younger cousins, my mother and her sibling, and everyone that has been affected...

I don't understand and I know its not my place to understand or question, but I still wonder, I still question, and i'm still in alot of pain... I know he's in a much better place now, but for some reason that doesn't bring me or anyone around me any comfort at the moment... so in time i guess it will come, but til then I just don't know what to really say or do...

a little clearer...

What a weekend… it was just crazy busy with work and life… got to spend some quality time with the Consultant… and believe it or not, he met my oldest brother this weekend… now, this is quite significant because I happen to look up to my oldest brother a lot… he’s a very important factor in most of the decisions I make in life… so anyways, the consultant met my oldest brother, and well it wasn’t awkward or anything like that… I also got the go ahead from my older brother about moving to London… he’s afraid that if I move to London for this internship program that I won’t want to come back… but I reassured him, although nothing is guaranteed, I did ensure him that I had every intention of coming back to the states, and with that said he gave me his blessing on my decision and we started to make a plan of how things would work once I left in August… and well he saw that I had already thought things through and already had a good game plan that he could back up… so that was a lot of stress off of my shoulders to know that he (my brother) is happy for me and supports my decision to go away to London… as I stated, my brother is very important in my life and there are many things that would not be possible without him, so his support is quite important to me…

So I made my decision (incase you haven’t guessed)…. I’m headed off to London, I accepted the offer from the internship program…. So I’ll be working in London for a year and getting my graduate certificate in international business… when I took a look at all the pros and cons, it just made more sense to take the internship program instead of going back to school to get another master’s degree because I already have one, and the international work experience and business certificate would look great on my resume… so, my mind is made up… now that I’ve accepted the offer into the internship program, I just have to wait til they place with a company in the field that I’m interested it…

So what’s gonna happen with me and the consultant… well, to tell you the truth I don’t know, but I do see a bright future with him…. I’ll continue to get to know him and grow with him over the next 3 and a half months… and with the discussions we’ve had, I’m pretty sure he’d want to try the long distance thing…. But we’ll deal with that when the time comes closer for me to leave, a decision will have to be made… but for now, that can wait… I’ll just enjoy him while I’m still here and leave the future in the future for now…

“Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth” ~Robert Southey

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable” ~Sidney J. Harris

“Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will work” ~Dr. Robert Anderson