Anonymity

Ok, so my blog is an anonymous blog… I don’t think anyone actually knows who I really am, maybe one person I can think of knows that I am DD, but I’m not really sure about that… anyways, TA wanted to read my blog… and while I’ve managed to put it off from actually telling him… I don’t know, ok I do know why… he’ll get to see how random I really am, get to explore all the crazy thoughts I have, get to see how I reason thru things, get to see a side of my that I don’t really show people who know me… he’ll get to see about all the things I’ve written about him (lucky for me its been mostly good things)… but he’ll be able to go thru my past blogs and get to really see things about me… I don’t know if that makes me more nervous or if by allowing him to read my blog, he’ll get a better understanding of me… I don’t really talk much about my blog… but the one or two times I may mention it by accident, the person always wants to know my blog address so they can read it… what if I disappoint them… what if I’m not as good a writer as they expect from a blogger, what if they think I write and worry about trivial stuff… what if… the possibilities are endless of what ifs… I guess the one way to avoid the what ifs, would be not to let people know I have a blog or even if they know, not to give them the blog address…

well last night i gave TA my blog address out of anger and not out of trust... i gave him the blog address cause he was questioning about things that i didn't really understand, and i told him if anything has happened to me, then its in my blog and he can go read it if he doesn't believe me... i only wanted to wait to give him blog address cause i wanted to be completely sure and i wanted to be sure i trusted hm enough (not to say i don't), but i wanted to give it to him in my own time and not when i felt forced to do so, forced to do so in order to prove i was telling him the truth....

now, i don't know if TA has actually read my blog since i gave hime the address, in some ways i hope he does read it to see and understand how i really feel and to try to better understand who i am, but on the other hand, i hope he doesn't read it only to see if i'm telling him the truth or to judge me...
i hope that knowing he reads or can read my blog whenever he wants to won't change the way i write, i hope it won't keep me from being candid, honest and open about my thoughts and feelings... i hope...

Some days I think about giving up my blog… at times I take a small hiatus from my blog, sometimes life just gets too busy, sometimes I don’t have time to analyze things, sometimes I can’t out how I’m feeling or my situation in meaningful words… and sometimes I just simply forget about it… but I know this blog gives me an outlet to get my feelings out and to analyze things, it helps me get thru some situations, some things that I can’t tell my friends or family… it’s a form of therapy…