update...

So it looks like I’ve abandoned my blog, but really I haven’t… just been caught up with life lately… quick update… Okay, so may be I was being a bit melodramatic in my last post… I admit it, and these winter blues aren’t doing a damn thing to lift my spirits… but I finally talked to TA that following Tuesday night… went to go see him and well he lifted my spirits… connected with him in a way we hadn’t connected in for a while, felt like we were one again and we were happy… as I told him in a text this morning… ‘he put a permanent smile on me face’… and not just because of what you think, but more because I think we really connected yesterday, found a new level of comfort with one another… and hopefully we’re closer to one another than before… I told him that I’ve missed him, not missed him in the sense that I hadn’t seen him, but missed the sensual, soft & kind side of him that I saw that Tuesday night, the side I hadn’t seen it in a while and it made me even more attracted to him… made me want to be with him even more… made me realized how much I care about him… and hopefully it did the same for him… but since then, in the last two weeks, things with TA have been interesting…

I thought I had commitment issues, but little do I know that everyone has their own set of emotional luggage that they carry around with them, even guys… I don’t necessarily understand TA or all of his actions, but I know him well enough to know what he’s gonna do… wait, let me rephrase that, I understand what he’s going to do, but I don’t always understand the reasoning or logic behind everything he does… he’s not a simple guy, although he claims that he is, he’s just as complicated as the rest of us, dealing with past relationships and failures, and trying to ensure he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes… I know he cares about me, and that he does things for me that are unusual for him to do in a relationship, and don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate all that he does, but I know I do a lot for him, I give him more effort than I’ve given to any other guy in a long time… I see him struggling not to get attached to me and trying to keep me at arms length, just cause he’s not sure about things yet, but on the same note he’ll do a complete 180 and does all the loving things that a bf would do… then he starts talking about the future (which to be honest, scares the living day lights out of me, because that involves planning and implies that we’ll be together long enough to see the plans come to fruition… not long term plans like years or anythng, but weeks away) He’s been talking bout us spending Christmas together for weeks… and at first it wasn’t gonna happen cause I was gonna go to Nigeria, but of course I procrastinated and then changed my mind to go back to the states instead, so I leave for the states the day after Christmas (there better be some left over turkey in the fridge when I get back to Bmore)… so anyways, we’re gonna spending Christmas together… which I do look forward to, but at the same time, I feel it will make me feel more involved with him and I don’t know if that what he wants… while I keep telling myself not to get too attached, the more time I spend with him, the more involved and invested I become… realizing that you depend on someone else to get thru the day is not a realization that’s easy to make, so I started taking steps to get back to my old social able self… I was talking to one of my friends on facebook, and he was asking how London was and so on, and I told him its going good, but its difficult starting over, and his reply was “...must be a different feeling having to start over from scratch. u’re personality allows it to happen seamless tho, u’re a great easy going person…” and on a normal day, I’d agree with his statement and compliment… but I’m not the same person that he knew many years ago, and many times I wish I could go back to that person he described in the email… i just want to be happy...