Thursday, June 28, 2007

ATL...

I'm going to Atlanta... (or the A or ALT as some may call it :-) )... anyways, i've worried myself enough about things with RFM... and i've come to a point of acceptance... i'm done with the situation... me and RFM have not finished our conversation and to be honest i don't if we ever will... i called him briefly last nite to say hello and see how he was doing... we spoke for a couple of minutes... i asked did he want to finish the conversation from Sunday and he said can we do it later... and i said of course that's fine (only because i know he had a long day at work)... but in the last 24 to 48 hours i'd made up my mind... i'm done, i can't do it anymore... so that's that... at this point, i'm not sure if its even necessary to finish the conversation, i feel like i've reached out to him yestersday and its his turn to do the same... but as i said, I'm done... (would it be okay if i just send him a text or email, saying no need to finish the convo, lets just go out seperate way??? i mean why not use technology in my advantage)
(btw, the name RFM stood for Right For Me... well because i thought he was right for me at one point, but sadly i was mistaken... in all the excitement of a new love, it is easy to get carried away...)

so anyways... off to Atlanta tonight... i'm excited!!! its my first weekend that i'll spend in Atl... I've been there once before, that was earlier this year but it was for work, it was in the winter time and it was in the middle of the work week... i really excited because i get to spend time with my line sister as well as spend time with a bunch of my friends that live in Atlanta and my girl is throwing a pool party on Saturday and I definitely plan on enjoying myself... besides i need an extended weekend and a mini vacation from the drama in my life and all the stress that i've been putting myself thru...

have a great weekend... because i know i will... stay blessed!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Talk...

I’m not crazy… I promise you all that… i'm just confused about what i want, that's all...

Anyways, we finally had our talk on Sunday evening… I wanted to have it earlier, but we we’re celebrating his birthday on Friday night and bunch of his friends were coming out of town and I didn’t want to ruin that for him… so anyways, after a long weekend we finally got a chance to talk last night as I was cooking dinner for us… I sat him down and I asked him all the questions that were going thru my head about what I saw in the trash in his bathroom, that suspicious phone calls and so on… and then I said that maybe it would be best if we were just friends… and that’s when things got interesting… he didn’t understand why or where it was coming from… we talked and talked… and well here it goes… he said that he really didn’t understand why I wanted to be just friends or rather associates, that he’s being honest with me, that he’s not talking or seeing anyone else… that he’s been honest and open with me from the beginning and that why would he start lying to me now… he went on about what did he do and how can we fix it and so on…. And to tell you the truth, that broke my heart to hear him asking those questions… it hurts me just thinking about it again… and now I’m confused… he answered every question that I had for him and they were reasonable answers… and I told him I wanted to believe him, but it was hard to… so we stopped talking… we ate dinner… and then we started talking again… he said he understood where I was coming from, but just didn’t know what to say or think…and I felt like we were going in circles, cause at that point I didn’t know what I wanted either… and well I still don’t… and so we left it at I should think about where I want to go with things and he should go and think about what he wanted…

And well, what am I thinking…. I’m thinking I really truly care about this RFM, and that he’s a great guy… and even if he is telling me the truth about everything (which I think he is), I’m thinking he just may not be the right great guy for me… maybe I just need some time to think things thru and figure things out in my head… and then I’m thinking maybe I’m just being typical me and ending what could be a really good thing… or am I making the right decision because I know that as great as RFM is, there are some things that I can’t necessarily deal with… and that maybe we’d both be happier with other people that we would be more compatible with… and so I just don’t know…

Thursday, June 21, 2007

That chick... you know which one i'm talking about...

That chick…

First let me say, because of this posting you’re about to read, I will most likely never reveal my identity and always keep my blog anonymous… this posting is looooong, but definitely worth it for the gist… anyways, on to the story…

We all know her… some of us have even been her, myself in the past included… but at my age, with my experiences, and with all that I have to offer, I refuse to be that chick…. Now, who’s that chick I’m talking about…. She’s the one that has some doubts about her man, has a sneaky suspicion that he’s cheating on her or that he’s up to no good, she’s the one that ignores all the little signs in hopes of not connecting the dots to reveal that her man ain’t no good… thats who that chick is (please note that there are many, many levels and variations of being that chick, this is just my description of it at the shallowest level)…

I know this seems to be coming out of left field… but what can you really do when life throws u a curve ball… lemme explain… went to go see my ‘boo’, RFM last night… haven’t really chilled at his place in about a week and a half or so, maybe 2 weeks, just cause life’s been busy for both of us and so on… before I go on, I know my own faults as a person, and I will point them out to others as to alleviate them having to discover it later… but one of my things is that I over analyze, I watch and observe people very closely… I do it so naturally that its very difficult for others to realize that I am watching and analyzing their every move, word, gesture and so on… and yes I’ve mentioned it to RFM several times that I’m very observant… anyways, as we chilled at his place after we finished eating dinner… I was watching TV and he was by the counter doing something on his laptop when I heard him talking on the phone (his phone is always on vibrate, so I didn’t hear it ring), but the minute I heard his voice, my ears perked up… first I could hear that it was a female on the other end of the phone and then he spoke in a lower, slightly deeper voice (that was the first alarm), then when he said hello he didn’t say the person’s name like “Hello So and so” he just said hello, now normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but we’re ALL creatures of habit and he normally says hello with the person’s name at the end, so why the change (alarm number 2 went off in my head) and then he straight up lied to the female on the phone and said “I’m still at work, I’ll call u later” and he hung up… first thing that came to mind, why lie? But more importantly why all the different behavior… I didn’t say anything about it, I let it go…

As the nite went on, things got even more interesting… we were upstairs chilling in his room, and well u know how that goes… but then out of no where, he says I don’t have any condoms… in my mind I was like What?? cause I distinctly remember there being some left over in the dress my his bed, that’s my side of the bed and its where I put my stuff and I definitely remember there were some left (alarm in my head… where’d the condoms go???) and then he said he has some in his care (alarm in my head… why do u have them in your car? Then he gave me this BS story that since he’s younger (much younger) brothers were around for the week that he didn’t want to leave them laying around so he put them in his car (which is what he used to do to prevent his mother from finding them… ok, sure)… so I left it alone, it sounded believable enough…

So he went out to the car to go get them and then I went to the bathroom and was about to walk out the bathroom, but I needed a trash can (but then I remember he doesn’t have one in his bathroom, which I thought was so annoying)… anyways, that’s when I noticed that he had a bag on the back of the door that he was using as the trash bag, well it was two bags, so I looked in to make sure I threw my trash in the right bag because both looked almost empty, and low and behold… what do I find… two empty condom wraps… mind you, this trash bag was not there when I came to visit a week and a half ago and it was fairly empty… all kinds of thought ran thru my head… (now, lets be real, if you were really trying to hide the condoms from your younger brothers, why would u have empty wrappers in the trash that everyone uses…) so when he came back I asked him you know what’s up, is he sleeping with other people… and with the straightest face he replied no and where did that question come from… I told him it just came to my mind cause there were some left last time I was around and also when he said he put the condoms in the car, NO I never told him I saw the empty condom wrappers in the bathroom trash, couldn’t bring myself to say it and really put him on the spot… he went on saying he didn’t have a reason to lie to me about it and started rambling and that was a little out of character for him, which I of course noticed… then we talked about it and then I left the topic alone… we kissed and made up and I left a little bit later…. But I did realize that later on in the evening (before I left) he went to the bathroom to throw something away and spend an abnormal amount of time in the bathroom, I think he saw the condom wrappers in the trash as well and he may think I saw them, cause once he came out of the bathroom he wasn’t himself and it was obvious… but he didn’t say anything about it and well, neither did i… me I acted as though everything was normal and was as sweet as I could be… trust me, I have my reasons though…

Now… a couple of my previous posts about RFM were full of me doubting things and thinking about ending it and while I never really explained where those feeling came from, I will now (I mean, I’ve already put everything else out there on the table right)…
  1. I had a dream about RFM and how he went on a date with a girl. In this dream there were some specific details, such as he ordered shrimp and other stuff… I mentioned it to RFM jokingly of course just to gauge his reaction… he laughed it off and gave me an explanation that had waaayyyyy too much detail about him staying at home to watch the NBA finals alone and then he was like I don’t really like/eat shrimp … really cause on our first real date, he ordered shrimp (caught in a lie?)… and normally this wouldn’t be a big deal… but with two distinct relationships where I was being cheated on, I usually had a dream that foretold the future… like I would have the dream and then everything would fall out with the next week or two… its actually a little scarey… its like I don’t trust my own instincts and my inner being feels it necessary to show it to me in a dream… I don’t dream often, but when I do dream, especially about someone I am dating, what happens in the dream usually always happens… so for me to see him on a date with another female in my dream was a Hugh red flag for me… and of course I brushed it off as me being paranoid, but in reality I knew I wasn’t being paranoid, I’ve had two previous experiences to rely on, y doubt myself now…
  2. RFM and I were at a party that I was promoting/working at, and he was chatting up this girl, and at one point I thought I saw him get her number cause he was playing in his phone as he walked away from her… I really did convince myself that he was just probably just looking at the time or something…
  3. Another example, a bunch of us went to brunch one day, it was about 8 of us, and RFM and I didn’t seat next to each other (no big deal, it was actually my own doing that that happened), anyways, he spent half the lunch texting somebody and I mean serious texting, like every few minutes over a 2 hour brunch, and it wasn’t me he was texting..
  4. I’ve had a gut feeling that things weren't as they seemed… suspicions that he was talking or seeing another girl, but I thought that maybe it was just my imagination and that I was being to critical...
  5. He makes me feel insecure about things between us, now I’d never admit this to him, but he definitely doesn’t make me feel secure about things between us, some of these feelings may be from that whole fight we had, but not all of them… now you must understand this insecurity may not sound like a big deal but it is, especially since its so hard for me to feel insecure about things such as a relationship…
  6. He’s made me feel so insecure some times that I turn into the jealous girlfriend, which I absolutely hate with a passion… I can’t be with someone who brings out the worst in me…. (note: I know I can be a jealous person, but I’m usually not because I’m hardly put in that position where I have to question everything about him, me and the relationship… its just to much stress and anxiety)
  7. More and more I realize that we don’t spend as much time together…

Its not that I didn’t see all of these things before, but I never sat down and really thought about it… I didn’t really take the time out to analyze where my insecurities about our relationship was coming from and once I did that last night after I left his place, it was crystal clear… am I crazy, maybe… but this situation is driving me crazy… and i have to put a stop to it!!!

And can I be completely honest… RFM is a great guy, but he may not be the great guy for me… you see on some subconscious level I know that RFM is probably not for me, but he had everything that’s on my imaginary checklist for a guy, of course there were some minor things, but I was willing to work on them with him and just settle… I know, I shouldn’t settle… but as I said he had everything on that imaginary checklist that I look for in a guy…. I don’t know how things are going to turn out, but my friend gave me some great advice last night, she said it may be time to throw away that checklist girl… and she may very well be right… should I settle with him, even though I know there are some things lacking from the relationship simply because he has everything on this damn checklist in my mind, well I was willing to do that… don’t get me wrong, I do like him and I am attracted to him… but my feelings for him do not even being to compare to the two people I’ve ever been in love with… and well I thought I could make it grow, but maybe not… for example, the first guy I truly fell in love with we dated for a while, and even 8, 9 months into the relationship I still got butterflies when I saw him or when he called me, I still felt like we were on cloud nine, and most people know the honeymoon phrase is usually over some time between 3 to 6 months… anyways, as things continue to unfold in the next couple of days, we’ll all have to wait and see how things play out… but I do plan on telling him this weekend that I want to call it quits cause I can’t be that chick, but I’ll wait til after his birthday things on Friday, don’t want to ruin his 25th birthday… so hopefully Saturday or Sunday I can get some face time with him and just talk things thru… and better believe that I will tell him all the things that I mentioned about… I really want to hear his explanation about the empty wrappers in the trash bad…anyways, only time will tell, but I know I can’t continue to go with my eyes closed, I refuse to be that chick

what r your thoughts on this whole situation....

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

smooth sailing...

I’ve been on hiatus for a bit… and now I’m back… let’s see where do I start…

Mr. RFM and I… are…. still together… we’re still working on things and making it work… I have to be honest, for a little bit there I thought that it was about to come to a screeching halt… that things would not be able to be fixed… anyways, after a week of not really talking or communicating, we sat down and had face to face conversation about things… and well it went better then I expected… we have different communication styles… when I have a problem I want to fix it immediately (at least most of the time)…. Where as he wants to take a step back, re-evaluate things, let things calm down and then try to move on (without really discussion)… and I had to let him know that that drives me crazy and that we need to find a compromise to deal with issues… so we talked things out, we both said what we had to say and we kissed and made up… still wasn’t sure if things were back to normal, but as we spent the next couple of days together, things seem to fall right back into place…. And now I feel like we’re actually closer than before… I feel like I can open up more to him then before… which is definitely a good thing…. Things are good… we’re smooth sailing…

Ok… so I know that you’ll have heard of the ‘representative’ in the early stages of the relationship… well I think we’re definitely past that now and we’re comfortable with one another….

At first I didn’t use to think that the whole representative thing exists, you know how people put up an ‘act’ and are on best behavior when you first meet… but I guess it true… but usually the representative is not too far from what the person is really like… I’ve come to the realization that RFM doesn’t know all the sides of me yet… some more pleasant than others… he saw one of them during the argument we had a few weeks ago, but he hasn’t really seen my party side… not to say that I party like that :-)…. But I do like to have a good time… and well he’s gonna get to see that side of me this weekend… he’s turning 25 on Saturday and we’re going to celebrate at Love (Love the Club formerly known as Dream)… anyways, we got a table there and some of my girls are coming thru and a couple of his boys are coming into town to help celebrate… and its gonna be a lot going on that nite… excited cause I haven’t really been out to a club in a minute, just been going to lounges and house parties and the sort… but I’m looking forward to Love, haven’t been there since January of this year, and it use to be my old stomping grounds back in the day…

On to a totally different topic… I’m still scheduled to move to London at the end of the summer for an internship / graduate degree program… I’m currently doing interviews with different companies in hopes that I’ll get an offer… once I get a job offer and get all of that sorted out, things will be more official… but I’m scheduled to leave in 8 ½ weeks… man, that blows my mind… its only 2 months away…. EXCITED!!!

some quotes to think on....

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. ~General Douglas MacArthur

Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you ready or not, to put this plan into action. ~Napoleon Hill

If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it. ~Brendan Francis

Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possiblity. ~Oprah Winfrey

Friday, June 08, 2007

Our first big fight...

So the RFM and I are having (you I said having and not had as in past tense) our first real fight… you know that fight that decides if we’re gonna try to stick it thru and go our separate ways… that fight where u may learn some unpleasant thing about your significant other… you know exactly what I’m talking about don’t you… well, I’m not going to go thru all the details of our first fight… but let’s just say its been going on for about 6 days now… six long, hard, tortuous days (maybe I’m being a bit dramatic…) but it has been a long six days… and well, to tell you the truth I feel that the fight started with something RFM did, and he believes that I escalated the whole situation and blew it out of proportion… and he didn’t like the way I reacted… what’s funny, well not really funny but more hypocritical, is that he reaction to be ‘blowing things out of proportion’ has been blown out of proportion… how can u be mad/irritated/annoyed with me because u feel that I overacted to something, only for your own reaction to be overacted as well… isn’t that a little backwards… so anyways, that’s what’s been keeping me busy and away from blogging.. I hope to get this situation resolved soon and very soon, but only time will tell… anyways, I’m off to try and get things resolved (and for once I actually do want things to be resolved, instead of me just leaving the situation alone and stop talking to the guy…)… there are only 2 things that i see possible that can happen... either we learn from this situation and continue to grow together from it or we go our seperate ways and just be friends/associates... I’ll be back… and hopefully things will work out the way that I hope they will...

P.S. yes, I know my last post about me tripping when things start to get a little serious, but I honestly don’t think its me this time… and I’m more than willing to work things out cause I truly think this could work out…