That chick... you know which one i'm talking about...

That chick…

First let me say, because of this posting you’re about to read, I will most likely never reveal my identity and always keep my blog anonymous… this posting is looooong, but definitely worth it for the gist… anyways, on to the story…

We all know her… some of us have even been her, myself in the past included… but at my age, with my experiences, and with all that I have to offer, I refuse to be that chick…. Now, who’s that chick I’m talking about…. She’s the one that has some doubts about her man, has a sneaky suspicion that he’s cheating on her or that he’s up to no good, she’s the one that ignores all the little signs in hopes of not connecting the dots to reveal that her man ain’t no good… thats who that chick is (please note that there are many, many levels and variations of being that chick, this is just my description of it at the shallowest level)…

I know this seems to be coming out of left field… but what can you really do when life throws u a curve ball… lemme explain… went to go see my ‘boo’, RFM last night… haven’t really chilled at his place in about a week and a half or so, maybe 2 weeks, just cause life’s been busy for both of us and so on… before I go on, I know my own faults as a person, and I will point them out to others as to alleviate them having to discover it later… but one of my things is that I over analyze, I watch and observe people very closely… I do it so naturally that its very difficult for others to realize that I am watching and analyzing their every move, word, gesture and so on… and yes I’ve mentioned it to RFM several times that I’m very observant… anyways, as we chilled at his place after we finished eating dinner… I was watching TV and he was by the counter doing something on his laptop when I heard him talking on the phone (his phone is always on vibrate, so I didn’t hear it ring), but the minute I heard his voice, my ears perked up… first I could hear that it was a female on the other end of the phone and then he spoke in a lower, slightly deeper voice (that was the first alarm), then when he said hello he didn’t say the person’s name like “Hello So and so” he just said hello, now normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but we’re ALL creatures of habit and he normally says hello with the person’s name at the end, so why the change (alarm number 2 went off in my head) and then he straight up lied to the female on the phone and said “I’m still at work, I’ll call u later” and he hung up… first thing that came to mind, why lie? But more importantly why all the different behavior… I didn’t say anything about it, I let it go…

As the nite went on, things got even more interesting… we were upstairs chilling in his room, and well u know how that goes… but then out of no where, he says I don’t have any condoms… in my mind I was like What?? cause I distinctly remember there being some left over in the dress my his bed, that’s my side of the bed and its where I put my stuff and I definitely remember there were some left (alarm in my head… where’d the condoms go???) and then he said he has some in his care (alarm in my head… why do u have them in your car? Then he gave me this BS story that since he’s younger (much younger) brothers were around for the week that he didn’t want to leave them laying around so he put them in his car (which is what he used to do to prevent his mother from finding them… ok, sure)… so I left it alone, it sounded believable enough…

So he went out to the car to go get them and then I went to the bathroom and was about to walk out the bathroom, but I needed a trash can (but then I remember he doesn’t have one in his bathroom, which I thought was so annoying)… anyways, that’s when I noticed that he had a bag on the back of the door that he was using as the trash bag, well it was two bags, so I looked in to make sure I threw my trash in the right bag because both looked almost empty, and low and behold… what do I find… two empty condom wraps… mind you, this trash bag was not there when I came to visit a week and a half ago and it was fairly empty… all kinds of thought ran thru my head… (now, lets be real, if you were really trying to hide the condoms from your younger brothers, why would u have empty wrappers in the trash that everyone uses…) so when he came back I asked him you know what’s up, is he sleeping with other people… and with the straightest face he replied no and where did that question come from… I told him it just came to my mind cause there were some left last time I was around and also when he said he put the condoms in the car, NO I never told him I saw the empty condom wrappers in the bathroom trash, couldn’t bring myself to say it and really put him on the spot… he went on saying he didn’t have a reason to lie to me about it and started rambling and that was a little out of character for him, which I of course noticed… then we talked about it and then I left the topic alone… we kissed and made up and I left a little bit later…. But I did realize that later on in the evening (before I left) he went to the bathroom to throw something away and spend an abnormal amount of time in the bathroom, I think he saw the condom wrappers in the trash as well and he may think I saw them, cause once he came out of the bathroom he wasn’t himself and it was obvious… but he didn’t say anything about it and well, neither did i… me I acted as though everything was normal and was as sweet as I could be… trust me, I have my reasons though…

Now… a couple of my previous posts about RFM were full of me doubting things and thinking about ending it and while I never really explained where those feeling came from, I will now (I mean, I’ve already put everything else out there on the table right)…

1. I had a dream about RFM and how he went on a date with a girl. In this dream there were some specific details, such as he ordered shrimp and other stuff… I mentioned it to RFM jokingly of course just to gauge his reaction… he laughed it off and gave me an explanation that had waaayyyyy too much detail about him staying at home to watch the NBA finals alone and then he was like I don’t really like/eat shrimp … really cause on our first real date, he ordered shrimp (caught in a lie?)… and normally this wouldn’t be a big deal… but with two distinct relationships where I was being cheated on, I usually had a dream that foretold the future… like I would have the dream and then everything would fall out with the next week or two… its actually a little scarey… its like I don’t trust my own instincts and my inner being feels it necessary to show it to me in a dream… I don’t dream often, but when I do dream, especially about someone I am dating, what happens in the dream usually always happens… so for me to see him on a date with another female in my dream was a Hugh red flag for me… and of course I brushed it off as me being paranoid, but in reality I knew I wasn’t being paranoid, I’ve had two previous experiences to rely on, y doubt myself now…
   
2. RFM and I were at a party that I was promoting/working at, and he was chatting up this girl, and at one point I thought I saw him get her number cause he was playing in his phone as he walked away from her… I really did convince myself that he was just probably just looking at the time or something…
   
3. Another example, a bunch of us went to brunch one day, it was about 8 of us, and RFM and I didn’t seat next to each other (no big deal, it was actually my own doing that that happened), anyways, he spent half the lunch texting somebody and I mean serious texting, like every few minutes over a 2 hour brunch, and it wasn’t me he was texting..
   
4. I’ve had a gut feeling that things weren't as they seemed… suspicions that he was talking or seeing another girl, but I thought that maybe it was just my imagination and that I was being to critical...
   
5. He makes me feel insecure about things between us, now I’d never admit this to him, but he definitely doesn’t make me feel secure about things between us, some of these feelings may be from that whole fight we had, but not all of them… now you must understand this insecurity may not sound like a big deal but it is, especially since its so hard for me to feel insecure about things such as a relationship…
   
6. He’s made me feel so insecure some times that I turn into the jealous girlfriend, which I absolutely hate with a passion… I can’t be with someone who brings out the worst in me…. (note: I know I can be a jealous person, but I’m usually not because I’m hardly put in that position where I have to question everything about him, me and the relationship… its just to much stress and anxiety)
   
7. More and more I realize that we don’t spend as much time together…

Its not that I didn’t see all of these things before, but I never sat down and really thought about it… I didn’t really take the time out to analyze where my insecurities about our relationship was coming from and once I did that last night after I left his place, it was crystal clear… am I crazy, maybe… but this situation is driving me crazy… and i have to put a stop to it!!!

And can I be completely honest… RFM is a great guy, but he may not be the great guy for me… you see on some subconscious level I know that RFM is probably not for me, but he had everything that’s on my imaginary checklist for a guy, of course there were some minor things, but I was willing to work on them with him and just settle… I know, I shouldn’t settle… but as I said he had everything on that imaginary checklist that I look for in a guy…. I don’t know how things are going to turn out, but my friend gave me some great advice last night, she said it may be time to throw away that checklist girl… and she may very well be right… should I settle with him, even though I know there are some things lacking from the relationship simply because he has everything on this damn checklist in my mind, well I was willing to do that… don’t get me wrong, I do like him and I am attracted to him… but my feelings for him do not even being to compare to the two people I’ve ever been in love with… and well I thought I could make it grow, but maybe not… for example, the first guy I truly fell in love with we dated for a while, and even 8, 9 months into the relationship I still got butterflies when I saw him or when he called me, I still felt like we were on cloud nine, and most people know the honeymoon phrase is usually over some time between 3 to 6 months… anyways, as things continue to unfold in the next couple of days, we’ll all have to wait and see how things play out… but I do plan on telling him this weekend that I want to call it quits cause I can’t be that chick, but I’ll wait til after his birthday things on Friday, don’t want to ruin his 25th birthday… so hopefully Saturday or Sunday I can get some face time with him and just talk things thru… and better believe that I will tell him all the things that I mentioned about… I really want to hear his explanation about the empty wrappers in the trash bad…anyways, only time will tell, but I know I can’t continue to go with my eyes closed, I refuse to be that chick…

what r your thoughts on this whole situation....