confessions of a commitment-phobic

Have you ever met a female that has relationship issues… I’m sure you have, but if you haven’t let me introduce you to myself… I’m Miss DD… won’t keep a guy for too long because she’s afraid that she’ll get hurt again like she did in the past… quick to find a fault or reason as to why things can’t or won’t work between her and the guy and when she finally finds a great guy that she’s comfortable, she’s ready to break it off because she’s afraid she’s gonna hurt him… where’s Dr. Phil when I need some advice… well since he’s not around to advice, I’m gonna have to dissect this on my own… but boy oh boy, where do I start…

Scared, nervous, and worried are a few ways to descript by attitudes towards relationships… let me give you a quick run down… mentally; I have a time line… I don’t know why, but I need to break away from it… a guy gets an initial 2 minutes for me to see if he peaks my interests (its usually obvious in the first 10 seconds)… if so, and things progress, then he gets an additional two week trial period for me to get to know them and see if we click… and after that I try to go with the flow… but somewhere around the 2 month mark, I start tripping… yes I’m admitting it, I START TRIPPING…. It could be almost anything, I’ll find a reason… why you may ask… here’s how I’ve always thought of it… once two people have been dating for about 3 months or so, they start to get out of the honeymoon phase and start developing a more serious relationship… they’re not floating on cloud nine anymore, but they start dealing with everything, all the small flaws and issues… you can’t just stop calling cause at this point you have to deal with it or ends things cause you’re in a semi-serious relationship… am I afraid of commitment… maybe just a little… maybe I just enjoy the honeymoon period of a new relationship so much that I just don’t want it to end and maybe that’s y I go from one relationship to the other, always give a legitimate excuse or reasons as to why it can’t work between me and him (whomever the guy may be)… or is it that I go into these relationships knowing that it wouldn’t work, but still wanted to enjoy the honeymoon period before it got too serious… I just don’t know…

How can I hope to ever have a successful and lasting relationship if I can’t seem to get out of this loop that I’ve gotten myself into…
But now that I’ve found someone, RFM, (RFM is the consultant, just changed his name) that it could truly work with, I’m scared shitless… I don’t want to hurt him… I know I’ve hurt some people in the past, but by no means was it intentional… but still it happened… and I don’t want to do that to him… RFM and I are good together, we compliment each other… he’s more reserved, while I’m more outgoing… he’s laidback and well, I’m not as laidback… and so much more…
And incase it hasn’t clicked, me and RFM have been talking for a while now and we’re coming up on 2 months, and I’m doing everything in my power to stay positive, go with the flow and pray that things work out the way they’re suppose to…

I’m sorry I’m just rambling… confused and rambling…


Some Quotes that i felt were appropriate for this post:

"Half of our mistakes in life arise from thinking when we ought to feel and feeling when we ought to think." ~Anon

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

"The quality of love and the duration of a relationship are in direct proportion to the depth of the commitment by both people to making the relationship successful. Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life." ~Brian Tracy

"Where once I gave all of me, fearless of the risks and confident of the reciprocity, I now hold a little back… should in case I might need that untouched kernel of self again… someday, to begin to rebuild myself…" ~anon

"If you want to experience love, you have to take the risk. Love's always worth the risk. And the trouble is if you don't risk anything, you risk even more" ~Anon

"There are two things to aim for in life: first to get when you want; and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." ~Logan Pearsall Smith

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk" ~The Dalai Lama

"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt" ~Anonymous

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." ~Bertrand Russell

the long weekend...

Memorial day weekend was good... I needed the 3 days weekend… drove down to NC for the first half of the weekend for a friend’s wedding… me and the bride graduated together in 2004… even though I was there I still can’t believe she’s married… she’s not the first of my friends from college to get married… but it makes me take a step back and re-evaluate things in my life… marriage is something that I aspire for, its something that most people aspire for, but sometimes it seems to out of reach… I thinks she’s happy with her fiancé… they met after college and have been dating for a while… and as long as she’s happy and he treats her well, then I wish them all of the best… the other thing about weddings is that they are mini-reunions for you and your friends… Although it wasn’t too many familiar faces, the ones that were there were good to see… the wedding was quite small actually, but it was so beautiful… it was held outside in a park in a gazebo and then reception was held at a nearby hotel… it was very classily, which I’m not surprised about cause she’s definitely a classily chick…

The consultant (and he needs another names, cause so much more than just a consultant… so from now on I’ll be referring to him as RFM, which I will explain one day, but for now that’s what I’ll call him) came back home (to MD) yesterday… he’s been away on travel for work for the last two weeks… and I just couldn’t wait to see him…. Needless to say, I missed him… we spent most of the day together, doing absolutely nothing and it was wonderful… we ate lunch and just relaxed for most of the day… a couple of people stopped by to see him, which was cool (especially since he asked me if it was ok with me before they came over)… he’s comfortable with having me and his friends interacting, which I like… and yesterday as we were chilling at his place, doing nothing really, I realized how much I really missed having him around, and how much I’m gonna miss having him around when I move to London…



“The quality of love and the duration of a relationship are in direct proportion to the depth of the commitment by both people to making the relationship successful. Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life.”~Brian Tracy

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

the random thoughts in my head...

Where do I begin… many things are running thru my mind at the moment and not quite sure where do I begin so that I don’t lose you in the mist of the craziness in my head…

Tall, dark and handsome… but much more… sincere, considerate, attentive and so much more…. Passionate yet quiet, amazing yet humble, loving yet not overbearing… these are the thoughts that come to mind about him… him, the consultant… although I try not to look to far ahead, but sometimes I just cannot help it… with him I see that a future is possible… we talk in future tense, but I try to be careful not to get my hopes to high, but I want to… I want to believe that he’s the one… my heart says yes, but my mind says no… my mind reminds me of how being too hopefully has hurt me in the past, while my heart only considers the feeling that I have for him and not the mistakes of the past… the more I realize that I’ll be leaving for London in a few months, the more I wonder as to what’s really going to happen with me and him… he comforts me and says that its only a year and we’ll both visit and so on… but in reality I don’t want to get my hopes up to high, but I truly hope that it works out….

I’m scared, nervous, and anxious… in less that 3 months I’ll be packing my stuff up and heading to London… every now and then it hits me hard, that I’ll be away from my family, friend and my comfort zone… they say change encourages grow and I hope they’re right… I know I’ll be forced to learn new ways and adapt to a new culture which I think will be a great experience… I just hope that it turns about to be the opportunity and experience that I want and need… Despite all the worries, I’m also excited, eager and looking forward to moving to London… I can’t wait to be immersed into the culture….

I got my promotion at work yesterday… a promotion that was more than six months over due… but I got… as the saying goes its better late than never… so I’ll take my promotion and be satisfied for now… because I know that my time with this company is limited…

And well the weekend is here… it took long enough to get here… but I’m grateful its here… its been a long week and I am drained... emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted… but there is no rest for the weary yet, there’s still so much that need to be done… this weekend I’m going to try to catch up on some sleep and try to relax a little… but I am definitely looking forward to memorial day weekend… one it’s a 3 day weekend, secondly I’m going to meet up with some college friends and lastly and most importantly, the consultant will be back from his business trip/training and I can’t wait to see him…

Anyways, have a blessed weekend…

reality sets in...

Reality has began to sunken in…. my uncle is gone… as I’ve spent everyday from the last week at my uncle’s place… being there to support my cousins and aunt, and just being there to help out… reality has really hit home… and it was all a bit too real… and as my mother got a last minute flight out of Nigeria over the weekend, she arrived on Monday afternoon, and well it was tough… its tough to see your mother in such pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do besides just being there for her and supporting her… I know its even harder for her to accept that her younger brother is gone… and while there’s nothing I can do to help ease any of their pains, we know that he’s in a better place… the two oldest children of my uncle are both graduating from college in the next week or so… its sad that their father, my uncle, won’t be there to see them reach such an accomplishment… and the other issue at hand… how do we tell the youngest child… she doesn’t know yet, but I’m sure she’s aware that something is going on with, but she doesn’t know yet… she’s merely only 8 years old and now her father is gone… how do you explain that to an eight year old in a way that she can understand, in a way that won’t totally destroy her… that is the task at hand now ….

And of course we have to lay my uncle to rest, but we have to do it in the right manner… details are still being sorted, but its hard… some hard decisions need to be made by people who are emotionally unstable at the moment… but they do have to be made… I pray that my family gets thru this crisis and that we become a stronger and closer family because of it… I’ll learn not to take people for granted because life is simply too short to do so… and while I may never see my uncle again, his memory will live on in all of our minds, in our pictures, in our stories, but most importantly in our hearts… he’s left an impression that will never fade, so I hope that he will lay in peace knowing that and also knowing that his children are in good hands and will be taken care of… and so while we all continue to grieve for this tragic lost, we’re also celebrating the great life that he had, the great person that he was, and the legacy that he leaves behind…

~Stay blessed

taken away too soon...

So yesterday, on May 9th 2007 my uncle pasted away, my mother's younger brother, the same uncle who use to live with us when him and his entire family moved here from Nigeria in the mid-ninities... and well, i'm at a lost of words... trying to make sense of life... trying to support and comfort his children, my four younger cousins, my mother and her sibling, and everyone that has been affected...

I don't understand and I know its not my place to understand or question, but I still wonder, I still question, and i'm still in alot of pain... I know he's in a much better place now, but for some reason that doesn't bring me or anyone around me any comfort at the moment... so in time i guess it will come, but til then I just don't know what to really say or do...

a little clearer...

What a weekend… it was just crazy busy with work and life… got to spend some quality time with the Consultant… and believe it or not, he met my oldest brother this weekend… now, this is quite significant because I happen to look up to my oldest brother a lot… he’s a very important factor in most of the decisions I make in life… so anyways, the consultant met my oldest brother, and well it wasn’t awkward or anything like that… I also got the go ahead from my older brother about moving to London… he’s afraid that if I move to London for this internship program that I won’t want to come back… but I reassured him, although nothing is guaranteed, I did ensure him that I had every intention of coming back to the states, and with that said he gave me his blessing on my decision and we started to make a plan of how things would work once I left in August… and well he saw that I had already thought things through and already had a good game plan that he could back up… so that was a lot of stress off of my shoulders to know that he (my brother) is happy for me and supports my decision to go away to London… as I stated, my brother is very important in my life and there are many things that would not be possible without him, so his support is quite important to me…

So I made my decision (incase you haven’t guessed)…. I’m headed off to London, I accepted the offer from the internship program…. So I’ll be working in London for a year and getting my graduate certificate in international business… when I took a look at all the pros and cons, it just made more sense to take the internship program instead of going back to school to get another master’s degree because I already have one, and the international work experience and business certificate would look great on my resume… so, my mind is made up… now that I’ve accepted the offer into the internship program, I just have to wait til they place with a company in the field that I’m interested it…

So what’s gonna happen with me and the consultant… well, to tell you the truth I don’t know, but I do see a bright future with him…. I’ll continue to get to know him and grow with him over the next 3 and a half months… and with the discussions we’ve had, I’m pretty sure he’d want to try the long distance thing…. But we’ll deal with that when the time comes closer for me to leave, a decision will have to be made… but for now, that can wait… I’ll just enjoy him while I’m still here and leave the future in the future for now…

“Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth” ~Robert Southey

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable” ~Sidney J. Harris

“Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will work” ~Dr. Robert Anderson

Decisions...

Life is about decisions…. Decisions, decisions, decisions!!!
Tuesday morning I got the news that I was accepted into the London internship program that I really wanted… but the acceptance wasn’t as joyful as I thought it be…. Now I have to make a decision… no more putting it off… I have a week to get back to them with my decision….

So, when exactly do you start letting other people influence your decision… and other people I mean significant others… of course its appropriate to ask for advice from the people you respects and look up to (like parents, siblings, close friends and etc)… but how do significant others fit into the picture… especially if its still early in relationship and you don’t know what may happen in the future… usually I’m the type of person who makes her decision on what’s best for her and her immediate family… I don’t consider too many other factors in most of my major decisions because lets face it, I can be a bit selfish as times, as we all can be, and not to mention that I’m the last born so my family tends to accommodate me for a lot of things (this is a blessing that I am thankful for every day)… anyways, so when making a major decision, first I look at how it’ll affect me family, and once I see that it won’t affect them in a negative way, then the rest of the decision is based on what I want… but for the first time in a very long time, aside from considering my family and my own feelings, I’m considering someone else’s stake in my decision about moving to London for a year… why am I considering his (the Consultant) position in all of this, well… truth is I like the Consultant a lot, things have been really between him and I.. and if things continue to go in the direction that they have been then who know what can happen… and doing a long distance thing is hard… anyway you look at it, it hard… but if you’re willing to put in the work, things could work out wonderfully… this guy is super supportive, and encourages me to make the best decision for me… and because its so early between him and I, neither one of us want to bring up the whole long distance thing yet but its quite obvious… I’d rather talk about it in person anyways than over the phone… so may this weekend or the next… who knows… but for now I’m busy contemplating on m decision… As my girl J told me… if it’s meant to be, then it’ll be…

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So I’m sure I never concluded on the whole situation between the accountant and I… but I came to the realization that he has more baggage than I can handle in my life… he still needs time to work through his trust issues and relationship issues… aside from that, the more we talked the more I realized that we were looking for different things in life… so I decided that it would be best for me and him to just be friends and leave it at that… all these decisions were made a few days before I met this new guy that I’m talking to now…


"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." ~Herbert Otto

All of our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. ~Walt Disney

For what I have received, may the Lord make me truly thankful. And more truly for what I have not received. ~Storm Jameson

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise. ~Robert Fritz