This Too Shall Pass...

This Too Shall Pass by India Arie....

I've achieved so much in life,
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls,
so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisperI hear my angels whisper
this too shall pass


its like she knew exactly what I was going thru when she sang this song...

Cold turkey…

I gave it up; just like that… cold turkey… the definition for cold turkey, from wikipedia, is ‘the actions of a person who gives up a habit or addiction all at once. That is, rather than gradually easing the process through reduction’… I still can’t believe I’ve done it, if I’m honest the withdrawal symptoms seemed unbearable at first… but I’ve been learning to cope with things… what did I give up so suddenly… well it was an addiction to a man that I thought I could love, but wasn’t loving me in the way I needed to be loved… you see, we both know that we need each other around, at least that what we thought, but then I started to step back from the whole situation and surprisingly things got less cloudy and became much clearer… my head had been clouded for a while, but suddenly reality started to kick in and my eyes were open again and I was able to regain my balance… I was able to take a step back from the edge I’d been living on for a while… and once I did, I was able to refocus and see things for what they really were… maybe I wasn’t ready before, maybe that’s why I couldn’t do it, but I am now… out of nowhere, with no warning, I literally disappeared, it wasn’t an easy thing to do, but many things had led up to this… its never an easy thing to do, regardless of which side of the situation you are on… but I had to give my addiction of him up… it had consumed me for all to long, it had taken over in a way that wasn’t healthy… when he finally realized what I was doing, that was painful for me, cause I knew he was hurting, but I had to be strong… I had to be strong for myself, but also for both of us… right now, what he and I need is space between us… you see, the reason I know how much it’s hurting him is because he’s exactly like me and I know how much it was hurting me… only time will tell how things will play out, but for now I’m indulging in the space that I’ve created, because it was exactly what I needed mentally, physically and emotionally…




Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Love the ones you can. Touch the ones you can reach. Let the others go. ~ Real Live Preacher

Our greatest battles are that with our own minds. -Jameson Frank

There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go. Tennessee Williams

Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made ~Julius Caesar, Act V, Sc. I

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” ~ Dr Seuss

Karma....

Everything happens for a reason, regardless of whether or not I understand why certain events happen, I know that there is a divine reason to it… that there is a method to the madness in which we call life… aside from that, I know that I have the strength to make it through whatever comes my way, regardless of how helpless I may feel at a particular moment – I know the strength exist inside of myself, I just need to conjure it up… I haven’t had a terribly difficult life if I want to be honest with myself, but I’ve been in some rotten situations in my life… situations that have knocked me completely off of my feet, but here I am today standing just as tall as ever…

I use to handle things to badly, whenever life was difficult, I always managed to make it worse by being self-destructive, turning to things that would temporary make me feel better, but were ultimately bad for me in the bigger picture of life… and I’m not sure what’s worse, that I was self-destructive or that I knew I was being self-destructive and still did it anyways… as tempting as it may seem, self-destruction is not a choice for me anymore, the consequences are much too steeper now… the other side of self-destruction, or rather another form of self-destruction is revenge against those that have hurt me. Revenge is only a temporary happiness to see someone else suffer like you’ve suffered, but what’s worse than revenge is Karma… its karma, and my good-naturedness, that have always kept me from going down the path of revenge no matter how tempting or easy it would have been… in the current situation that I’ve found myself, I knew I wasn’t going to be self destructive, but I did seriously considered revenge, doing something that was completely out of my character so that I could have that temporary happiness to see the other parties suffer like I was/am… but my senses quickly got the better of me, and I realized that karma would take care of them for me, and that I didn’t need to do anything… also, in plotting revenge against them and stooping to their level, I was only setting myself up for karma to repay me later in life with an unpleasant surprise… so more for my sake than for theirs, I find myself taking the higher road again!

And one would think that as many times as I’ve taken the higher road, that karma would repay me with some pleasant surprises… well, maybe karma isn’t paying me back in the way I expected, but if I want to be honest I have nothing in life that I can complain about – and there are very few people who can truly say that, and if that isn’t karma working in my favour, than I don’t know what is… so as I continue my journey on the high road, I hope I can keep my focus on what’s right, and not on what would feel good right now…

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions....

So, now that the new year has started been trying to think about what I want and what I need… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to move back to the states in early June of this year, making my stay in London just 2 months short of 2 years… moving to London has been the biggest risk that I’ve taken thus far in my life, and also one of the best decisions I’ve made… London has been an emotional roller coaster on so many levels with its highs and lows, but will always be an experience that I can reflect on forever cause moving to London has forced me to grow and change in so many ways, and to discover myself in so many way that it is unimaginable… I’ve been told that you never really know how strong you truly are, until that strength in needed… and I never understood that statement til I moved to London by myself...

I think moving back to the states is gonna be a hard move, as I’ve settled quite nicely into life in London and being on my own here, but I think its time to go back home… I went home back to the states for the holidays, and I had such an amazing time! Nothing extraordinary happened, but it was just good to be back in Baltimore for a few days, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t ready to leave Baltimore to get back to life in London… usually I look forward to being in Baltimore, but after a few days there, I usually start to miss life in London and can’t wait to get back to London… but not this time around, this last visit was different… I just didn’t want to leave Baltimore to come back to London… and for me that was the last sign that I needed… I dunno if I do it mentally or subconsciously, but I always yearn to be back with my family when I’m heading towards the end of an experience. I haven’t quite decided which is the cause and which is the effect… in other words, I don’t if its because I want to be back home that makes me want to end something and move back, or is it that I feel that the experience I’m dealing with is coming to an end, and I naturally prepare myself to head home by yearning for it… but its always worked that way, maybe its just my conscious wanting to be back in a place that I know is safe… and seeing my some of my siblings and mum this past weekend on my mini holiday just made me miss them more, we (my siblings and I) did all the usually things we did when I lived in Bmore… from consultation of outfits to making dinner plans to going out clubbing together… it was really good…

for me, home is always safe… and nothing makes me want to be safe more than after an experience that’s forced me to change drastically which moving to London has done… while I yearn to move back to Baltimore and be back in that ‘safe’ place, I also desperately want to move to Nigeria to live and work.. and there in lies one of my main issues… one of the issues that I deal with when I make any life changing decision… how will this affect my family… While I’ve expressed that I do want to move there, I’m not sure I can do it on my own…. Actually let me rephrase that, I know I can do it on my own, but I don’t want to do it on my own… and while I have to live my life and do what’s best for me, I need to consider my family and what’s best for everyone as well… what’s a girl to do! I just hope that things become clearer for me in the next couple of months… I don’t want to make any hasty decisions...

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Quotes of the Day

"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." ~Herbert Otto

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." ~Muhammad Ali

"The only things in life you regret, Are the risks that you didn’t take. "~Anonymous

Sunny Side up!

Dubai for the weekend…

Spent the last 5 days or so in Dubai, in the sunny hot weather enjoying life… it was great… went to Dubai for my cousin’s wedding and it was great… where do I start…

1. Hmmm, it was my first trip to Dubai… to say I love that place would be an understatement… its absolutely gorgeous there… it’s a nice change from the unpredictable and miserable weather of London!
2. The wedding was spectacular to say at the least… the wedding was very well prepared and everything was just amazing… was/am on a diet, so couldn’t eat as much as I wanted, but from what I did taste, the food was amazing…
3. It was great to be around family, my sister, brother and mum flew in from the states, and a lot of cousins from Nigeria and different places of world were also around, people I hadn’t seen for years… it was great to catch up!
4. Met some new people over the weekend… hmmm… I’ll leave it at that for now… but it was definitely interesting :-)!!!
5. Definitely made some new friends… and planned some trips for the future to go visit… so we’ll see…
6. I was having so much fun, I didn’t have time to sit down and sort out of my life, but maybe I did… maybe the issues that I am fretting over are not that important, cause if they were then I would have dealt with them right… maybe I’m just worried for no reason!
7. Will definitely be making my way back to Dubai soon!!!
8. Was definitely not expecting to come back to a snow blanketed London… and although it has immobilized most of London, it’s still an amazing sight!

So all in all… my trip was great, had a great time with my fam, and with old and new friends… no really decisions were made… but that’s okay for now…

Me… Charming?

Yesterday someone told me I was charming… and I thought me? Charming? See the thing with me is that I am by no means lacking self esteem, as a matter of fact, I am my own biggest fan, but I am also my own biggest critic… and its not easy when you have that relationship with yourself… you see I know I can be sociable, actually its so much apart of who I am, that sometimes I need to restrain myself from striking up conversations with people and just interacting with people in general… its so much apart of who I am, it actually defines me… but anyway back to the idea of me being charming, its not that the though is ludicrous or anything like that, but its always been a bit difficult for me to accept compliments from people, not everyone, but from most people, and the odd thing is that I actually love being the center of attention, so hence the oxymoron…. And if you ask any of my good friends, they’d say I’m more than confident (I’ve trained them not to call it being vain, but rather confidence!!). And with so much confidence, I don’t understand why hearing someone else, other than myself, give me a compliment is hard to take at times… I guess in hearing a compliment or a statement about me, its actually gives me a glimpse into how other people see…

I’ve always wonder what people’s perception of me are, I wonder if it matches with the perception that I intend to give off and how it matches to how I really am in reality. I have some ideas of what some people think, but the perception that my friends have of me have been built over several years and shared experiences, but I am interested in how people initially perceive me, and how their first impression of me differs from the person I really am when they get to know me. I personally think that I am very multi-faceted, but that there is a consistency in all of my sides, and because of that underlining consistency it makes sense when you examine all of them and take a look at who I truly am. I was having a similar conversation with a friend over the weekend, I was telling him that the perception that he projects is quite different from who I think he really is. It wasn’t a bad thing, because neither the projected image nor his true self were bad, they were just different to one another. And because I was acting on the initial perception of him, it often confused me when he did something that wasn’t in line with what I thought he would do or what I expected and because of that I found that he was hard to read, but none the less I still drive myself crazy analyzing him…

Anyways, so part of reason I decided to start blogging again was because I was confused about some things, and I am at a point where I need to make some decisions about what I want in the future. Been trying to make some decisions, but I’ve left some things open, which make making a decision hard to do, at least for me… and so I’ve decided that I need to get a handle on current situations going on in my life, as hopefully that will give me perspective and allow me to be able to make a more assertive decision about what path I want to follow. Heading off for a mini-holiday on Wednesday, going to go lay on some beaches and think some things through… I think it’ll help me to get away from the everyday stress and just relax and think about what I want and where I want to go… while I’ve know I’ve done good for myself thus far, I’m a person that needs to have a direction or focus, I need to be working towards something, and not get too comfortable where I’m at… that’s not to say I don’t enjoy my successes and life experiences, but I also need to be working towards my next goal as well, I need to feel like I am making some type of progress. And there in lies my main issue, I don’t know what my next goal is suppose to be, and it’s hard to work towards something when you have no idea of what it is!

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Quotes of the Day (couldn't decide!):

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. ~Dr. Seuss

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. ~Richard Bach

Oh, how I've missed my blog :-)...

Its official, I’ve abandoned my blog… sorry… this was the blog that got me thru so many crazy situations, the blog that I expressed all the manic thoughts that were rushing through my head with no judgement… well, it’s the start of 2009, and I’m just reflecting on 2008 and what it was!… I know the quarterly updates are not ideal, but for some reason these days it so hard to find time to sit down and make a quality entry, although I’ve tried many times…

Since turning in my dissertation at the end of September… I’ve been doing a lot of new things… I started trying to find what my passion was, I’m done with school at least for now or at least that what I thought… but then I realized that I have this burning desire to continue to learn, as well as to share my knowledge with others, which led me to taking a part-time teaching position, just to see how I’d get on… and believe it or not, teaching is such a great joy and I completely understand how teachers can put up with all the crap they get, cause it is such a rewarding career. So I do that part time, and although I said I was done with school, I’m thinking I may be done being the student in school, but I’m not completely done with school… thinking I may one day become a professor… and just last night, a really amazing guy I know said I should go do my PhD and really get into teaching… and not that this was the first time someone has told me to go and get my PhD, but for some reason it was different from him… and I’ll tell you all about him in a bit… anyways, so why not teach about what I already know… IT and computers… it makes perfect sense… so we’ll see how things shape up for me in the future, only time can tell…

Aside from teaching, I’ve been so busy with teaching and still doing my full time job, that I totally found myself too busy to find that boyfriend that I was suppose to be focused on, and to be completely honest, it didn’t really bother me, as I’ve found, I attract the more appropriate type of guy when I’m busy working on me… so I knew it would only be a matter of time… So one of my friends told me she has a dream about me and one of her male friends, and she thought we would be really good together. And at first I hesitated cause I’m not big on people trying to set me up, actually I’m usually completely against it, but for whatever reason I went ahead with it… and much to my surprise on the other side of the love match was one of the most amazing men I’d even been introduced to…. And trust me amazing is an understatement to describe this guy... there was something different about him… and the more I got to know him, the more compatible I found him… funny thing is that when my friend, A, started talking about introducing me to this guy (KD) I had the usual questions of what’s he like, what does he look like, how tall he is and so on… everything was on point, well except for the height thing, but i didn’t think it’d be that big a deal… well, me and KD eventually spoke on the phone, and one phone call led to another, which led to another til we got to the point of texting each other everyday and talking on the phone everyday… not quite sure how we got from strangers to the point of talking every day, usually for an extended period time, even hours… it was a good sign, everything pointed in the right direction, the only thing that was left was to actually meet each other see if we got on… I was nervous that all though we get along great on the phone and we both seem to be interested in where things may go between us there was always the possibility of us not clicking when we met in person… being his usual sensible self, KD told me not to worry that everything would be fine… which it was, except for the height thing, turns out when I wear heels, I’m become slightly taller than him… and although I wasn’t bothered by it cause I felt so comfortable with him and around him (even though it was just our first date after weeks of talking and getting to know each other), he had an issue with it… said he wasn’t sure he could get over it… next time we hung out, I had on flats just to show that he was really taller than me, which helped alleviate some things on that note… its been a few weeks since that first date and the last time we hung out (as he lives outside of London.. and we both just got back from travelling) and we’re still kinda just going with the flow, but things have definitely slowed down quite a bit… I think we’re both trying to make sure that we want the same thing in life and in a relationship, so I guess we’re working on our friendship and we’re gonna see how things develop in the future…

At the moment, I’ve been trying to decide if I want to start another blog… I love this blog, but I’ve changed so much since I started it over 3 years ago, I dunno if it still fits, but on the other hand, this blog is my history and is a great reflection on some of the things I’ve been through in life, and some of the things that have helped to shape me as an individual… and no one want to lose that, well at least not me… so after some serious contemplation, I decided to keep this blog… just make it a bit more sophisticated, shall I say! Besides most people already know me as DD… and it’s hard starting over…

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Quote of the day:

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. -James Gordon