Anonymity

Ok, so my blog is an anonymous blog… I don’t think anyone actually knows who I really am, maybe one person I can think of knows that I am DD, but I’m not really sure about that… anyways, TA wanted to read my blog… and while I’ve managed to put it off from actually telling him… I don’t know, ok I do know why… he’ll get to see how random I really am, get to explore all the crazy thoughts I have, get to see how I reason thru things, get to see a side of my that I don’t really show people who know me… he’ll get to see about all the things I’ve written about him (lucky for me its been mostly good things)… but he’ll be able to go thru my past blogs and get to really see things about me… I don’t know if that makes me more nervous or if by allowing him to read my blog, he’ll get a better understanding of me… I don’t really talk much about my blog… but the one or two times I may mention it by accident, the person always wants to know my blog address so they can read it… what if I disappoint them… what if I’m not as good a writer as they expect from a blogger, what if they think I write and worry about trivial stuff… what if… the possibilities are endless of what ifs… I guess the one way to avoid the what ifs, would be not to let people know I have a blog or even if they know, not to give them the blog address…

well last night i gave TA my blog address out of anger and not out of trust... i gave him the blog address cause he was questioning about things that i didn't really understand, and i told him if anything has happened to me, then its in my blog and he can go read it if he doesn't believe me... i only wanted to wait to give him blog address cause i wanted to be completely sure and i wanted to be sure i trusted hm enough (not to say i don't), but i wanted to give it to him in my own time and not when i felt forced to do so, forced to do so in order to prove i was telling him the truth....

now, i don't know if TA has actually read my blog since i gave hime the address, in some ways i hope he does read it to see and understand how i really feel and to try to better understand who i am, but on the other hand, i hope he doesn't read it only to see if i'm telling him the truth or to judge me...
i hope that knowing he reads or can read my blog whenever he wants to won't change the way i write, i hope it won't keep me from being candid, honest and open about my thoughts and feelings... i hope...

Some days I think about giving up my blog… at times I take a small hiatus from my blog, sometimes life just gets too busy, sometimes I don’t have time to analyze things, sometimes I can’t out how I’m feeling or my situation in meaningful words… and sometimes I just simply forget about it… but I know this blog gives me an outlet to get my feelings out and to analyze things, it helps me get thru some situations, some things that I can’t tell my friends or family… it’s a form of therapy…

learning to be happy...

I’m continuing to learn that just because he doesn’t always show how his feels exactly the way I want him to doesn’t mean he’s not showing it in the best way he knows how to… he gently reminded me of this the other night as I feel asleep in his arms… there are things that he does for me that he wasn’t willing to do in past relationships, and his intentions are well noted… I don’t want him to think I take those things for granted, cause I know he tries… but as he said, he’s very traditional and old school… and as I said, I’m very new school and we just need to find a way to meet half way… which I think we’re both starting to learn to do… he’s doing the little things I ask for, but definitely in his own style… his intentions are known and his reasoning are understood, but of course he does it in his own style, and I wouldn’t expect him to do it any differently… he’s meeting me half way to make sure that we both stay happy, and that makes me very happy… and I’m gonna do all I can to make sure I keep him happy as well… and I’m learning to stop stressing so much about everything, and just enjoy things with him, cause he makes me happy…
(Can I mention, I’ve been hit on by men more this week alone, than I have in the last month… interesting the things you notice when u stop focusing ALL of your attention on one person or one thing…)

update...

So it looks like I’ve abandoned my blog, but really I haven’t… just been caught up with life lately… quick update… Okay, so may be I was being a bit melodramatic in my last post… I admit it, and these winter blues aren’t doing a damn thing to lift my spirits… but I finally talked to TA that following Tuesday night… went to go see him and well he lifted my spirits… connected with him in a way we hadn’t connected in for a while, felt like we were one again and we were happy… as I told him in a text this morning… ‘he put a permanent smile on me face’… and not just because of what you think, but more because I think we really connected yesterday, found a new level of comfort with one another… and hopefully we’re closer to one another than before… I told him that I’ve missed him, not missed him in the sense that I hadn’t seen him, but missed the sensual, soft & kind side of him that I saw that Tuesday night, the side I hadn’t seen it in a while and it made me even more attracted to him… made me want to be with him even more… made me realized how much I care about him… and hopefully it did the same for him… but since then, in the last two weeks, things with TA have been interesting…

I thought I had commitment issues, but little do I know that everyone has their own set of emotional luggage that they carry around with them, even guys… I don’t necessarily understand TA or all of his actions, but I know him well enough to know what he’s gonna do… wait, let me rephrase that, I understand what he’s going to do, but I don’t always understand the reasoning or logic behind everything he does… he’s not a simple guy, although he claims that he is, he’s just as complicated as the rest of us, dealing with past relationships and failures, and trying to ensure he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes… I know he cares about me, and that he does things for me that are unusual for him to do in a relationship, and don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate all that he does, but I know I do a lot for him, I give him more effort than I’ve given to any other guy in a long time… I see him struggling not to get attached to me and trying to keep me at arms length, just cause he’s not sure about things yet, but on the same note he’ll do a complete 180 and does all the loving things that a bf would do… then he starts talking about the future (which to be honest, scares the living day lights out of me, because that involves planning and implies that we’ll be together long enough to see the plans come to fruition… not long term plans like years or anythng, but weeks away) He’s been talking bout us spending Christmas together for weeks… and at first it wasn’t gonna happen cause I was gonna go to Nigeria, but of course I procrastinated and then changed my mind to go back to the states instead, so I leave for the states the day after Christmas (there better be some left over turkey in the fridge when I get back to Bmore)… so anyways, we’re gonna spending Christmas together… which I do look forward to, but at the same time, I feel it will make me feel more involved with him and I don’t know if that what he wants… while I keep telling myself not to get too attached, the more time I spend with him, the more involved and invested I become… realizing that you depend on someone else to get thru the day is not a realization that’s easy to make, so I started taking steps to get back to my old social able self… I was talking to one of my friends on facebook, and he was asking how London was and so on, and I told him its going good, but its difficult starting over, and his reply was “...must be a different feeling having to start over from scratch. u’re personality allows it to happen seamless tho, u’re a great easy going person…” and on a normal day, I’d agree with his statement and compliment… but I’m not the same person that he knew many years ago, and many times I wish I could go back to that person he described in the email… i just want to be happy...

he's M.I.A.

Well, it been two days since TA and I had our little disagreement… and well I haven’t heard from him… yeah I’m a little distraught, but what can I do… I can’t make him call or text me, can’t make him pick up my calls so all I can do is wait… which is something that I’m most definitely not good at wait… I’m impatient, something too impatient for my own good… but what can I do… but I can’t sit here and blame myself for ever… ok, he didn’t like what I said… I apologized (more than one… more than twice… more than I ever do)… isn’t this where we’re suppose to talk things thru and work it out… well its suppose to be, but TA has disappeared, haven’t heard from him since he left my place 2 nights ago… not one word… if u can’t be a little patient with me, then we’re definitely gonna have some issues… I’m not the most patient person, but for the person I care about, my patience can become an never ending ocean of compassion and understanding… but I guess that’s not how he see it… at this point I really don’t know what to think… I can’t stand the silent treatment, it gets under my skin, I prefer for someone to yell, fuss and get it out of their system, so we can move on from the situation… but with the silent treatment, they keep all the aggression and anger inside, just waiting for one day to explode…

This is killing me… and I know myself, the longer it takes TA to come around, the more upset I’ll be, and the more likely I will say something even more inappropriate to him…

The Winter Blues...

Well, I finally moved into my own flat, a one bedroom flat in Swiss Cottage/Belsize Park… it’s a great area, very local to everything, and it’s a short commute to work… my apart, at the moment is a disaster! Everything is still packed up in boxes, bags and suitcases… lots of suitcases…. Hmmm, so I’m in the process of trying to sort things, but I know its gonna take a while, hopefully I should have my place sorted out before I leave for Christmas (and don’t ask… I don’t know where I’m going for Christmas yet, don’t have a ticket to Nigeria or to the states, but I know I’m not staying in London without my family, that’s for sure)… anyways, I still need to order my sofa, put my wardrobes together (now, TA offered to help, but since we got into a tiny row yesterday after putting my bed together, well sue me if I’m a bit moody… well there’s no telling if he’ll come around to help with the wardrobes… but I’m a capable woman, so no worries)… I’ve put together lots of Ikea furniture on my own in past, so its not impossible, but it would have been nice to have a man around to help me… or I can always just hire someone to come do it, but the holidays are just around the corner and I’m not trying to spend any unnecessary money… need to buy gifts for the little ones (nieces and nephews J)…

So I’ve been in a funk for the last couple of days, at first thought that it was from the lack of sleep and all the stress from last week with work, school, and moving… I’m sure that added to it, but it doesn’t explain why I’m so gosh darn (not the words I really wanted to use, but can’t be using his name in vain) emotional… No its not me being homesick… No, its not that time of the month… … but it is that time of the year… that time of the year, where its cold outside, it rains a lot, the sun goes down before its even 5pm… its Winter time… and I wish I didn’t have it, but I think I’ve got the winter blues… its not the first time its happened, happened bout 3 years ago in 2004… was overly emotional about any and everything, felt it hard to pull myself together sometimes, hard to participate and so on… and well, it feels like that again… so what’s a girl to do, when all I really wanna do is go back to my flat, lay under my duvet and read a book til I doze off… I’m not the usual me, the happy, fun person to be around… not sure where she went or even where to begin looking for her or me rather…