Catching up with Miss DD

So I’ve been MIA for a few reasons… work is killing me slowly (but that should end soon, as I am looking to move on to a better job soon). grad school is starting to take it toll on me, I’ve got this horrible cold/flu which sucks, I’ve been getting back headaches lately, and for a change, TA, hasn’t been stressing me out… I know it’s a bit delayed… but my V-days was really nice… TA come over in the early evening and we spend the evening at my place, we ate, we drank and we talked for hours and hours… it was a nice way to end a stressful weekend, cause the days leading up to V-day weren’t so rosy, but we sorted ourselves out and have a great evening together… Things with TA in general have been going well… I feel like we’re both, or at least I am, trying to see the direction in which things are going with us… just trying to get a feel about my own thoughts of TA and I and the future in general…
Other than that, I’ve been on a mad hunt to find a new job, the project manager and immediate supervisor are probably the worst set of supervisors that I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a few different types… anyways, I dunno if its the culture difference or what, but I can’t deal with them anymore… the funny thing is that as human being, they’re both perfectly fine and I can tolerate them, I can even go as far as saying I can enjoy their company, but when it comes to the project we’re working on, its unbearable for me, and I hate to take the easy way out, but I’m heading towards the door… and I’m not sure if they know it… I would hate for it to be a surprise, but I just can’t deal with it anymore and the situation is just getting worse for me… and well, I gotta do what’s best for me… Just started working on the dissertation for my master’s program… after waiting til the last possible moment to decide on a top, I choose something that seems vaguely interesting and wrote my proposal about… and not I’m waiting to hear about my program director as to whether my topic has been approved or if I have to go back to the drawing board!
I’m still running, I manage to run about 3 miles about 3 to 4 times a week… did I mention I have plans to go to Spain in Earyl-April, and I plan to be laying out on the beach… My cousin goes to grad school in Spain and he's having a party for his girlfriend, so why not go and help them celebrate :-).... so anyways, I need to get myself together so that I can walk on that beach confidently…

random drive by posting...

its random... its quick... and its senseless (that's the purpose of the title of this post)...

things r good... surprising Valentine's day was good... TA is well, things with him are still going... Work is killing me slowly... school is ok, it'd be better if i stopped procastinating on doing my assignments... you'd think i would have learned by now, but not yet... I'm still just as much of the procastinator as I've ever been...

gotta run, but i will put in a proper post this weekend about what's been going... and so on and so on...

hope everyone is good...

DD

running... thru my mind...

So I went running on Saturday morning… it was such a beautiful day and I was trying to get myself exercising again… so me being me, I pushed myself and ran roughly a little over 3 miles… well, let’s just say it was quite difficult getting out of bed on Sunday morning, which I expected… but then when I rolled over this morning, it was even harder to get out of bed… but seeing at though I had to go to work and I couldn’t call out cause of a few sore muscles, I managed to roll myself out of bed… I’m went running again last night after work and I’m going again this evening… and while I’m looking forward to the exercise, I know it’s going to be torture cause all my muscles are still sore, but I know if I don’t get back out there soon, I won’t be motivated to go again for a while… so wish me luck, and if u don’t hear from me it cause I’m in too much pain to type…
other than that, I had a nice weekend for the most part… just tried to relax and chill… nothing too exciting… I was meant to start working on my proposal for my final project for my masters, and I tried… but being the procrastinator that I am, I found every excuse to do something else but sit down and write my proposal… the other issue is, that well I have NO IDEA about what I want my final project to be on… and did I mention my proposal is due in a week… don’t worry, I’ll get it sorted out (I hope)… I’ll work on it this week and upcoming weekend, well I don’t have a choice since its due next Monday…

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately… especially with the whole going with the flow post I made last week… I’m feeling unsure about some things and I personally don’t like that feeling… i want one of those people that like to be in control, that like to know what’s going on and being in a state of limbo is not an ideal position for me… I was talking to one of my good friends, one of the few people I confide in (other than all my blog readers) and we were talking about relationships in general and valentine’s day coming up and so on and so on… and she asked me a random question, she just said do I think TA sacrifices or compromises to meet my needs as much as I do to meet his needs… and of course my initial reaction was to say of course he does, he really cares about me… but I thought for a second and I couldn’t give her a straight forward easy answer… the truth is I don’t think that he does, at least not in the traditional way… I know TA is an individual and he’s a complex one at that (even though he thinks he’s not complicated)… and I know he does try and that sometimes, just sometimes, he does his best… and there’s this old quote that I love that says, just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they’re not loving you the best that they can… and I try to keep that in mind at times, but on the flip side, I don’t know if I can be happy if I don’t have someone to love me the way I need to be loved…. I hope that makes some sense… anyways, Valentine’s day is just a few days away… and I know its not really a big deal, but I really hope he does something nice… to tell you the truth, a card, flowers and a quite evening at home together would be all that it takes to make me happy… I’m ok not going out to dinner, cause I do that with my friends all the time and he’s not a big fan of going out to dinner and that’s fine… I used to say that I demand a lot, but I’ve come to the realization that I don’t really demand that much and it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy in a relationship, but because I’ve always had the impression that I demanded a lot I tend to hold back on asking for a lot (relationship wise), but I realized that because I didn’t demand a lot in a relationship, I got even less… and once you’ve started a pattern with someone its hard to change it…

Anyways, we’ll see what happens v-day… TA says he’s spending the day/evening with his boys and not me… I think he’s just messing with me, but only time will tell… so we shall see…

Going with the flow…

Have you ever felt like sometimes you just wanted to go with the flow… and sometimes that’s cool… but exactly when do u stop going with the flow of life and decide exactly what you want for yourself… if you go with the flow, you’re just accepting things as they come, instead of going after the things in life that you truly want and need… same thing with relationships, exactly how long can you go with the flow of things before either rocking the boat by asking what are we doing or where is this going… at the moment, I’m not ready to rock any boats, at least not in the relationship side of things, but I’m not sure if that’s cause I’m comfortable with continuing to go with the flow of things and just let things develop naturally with TA or because I’m not ready to ask those questions cause I’m scared of what the answers maybe… and that worries me… it worried me more before, but now I’m a bit more confident in the sense that even if I did ask those questions and I didn’t get the answers I wanted, truly I’d be disappointed but not devastated… I hope that makes some sense…

For me, I’ll go with the flow for a bit, just til I can decide what I really want or at least realize what I don’t want… that’s how I’ve always been… I don’t always know what I want, but I can usually detect what I don’t want and eliminate it as soon as I can, for me recognizing something I don’t want, helps me to get closer to realizing exactly what I do want… Sometimes I can get comfortable with things and sometimes change is a hassle that I can’t be bothered with, but I guess that’s human nature isn’t it… but I know that sometimes change is necessary, it pushed me to grow and try, it pushed me challenge myself…

"Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." ~Arthur Rubinstein

"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution." ~ Deepak Chopra