Me lately...

I’ve been on a hiatus… of course without fair warning, I just disappeared from the Blog world… this is because of many reasons… I started this Blog as a means of getting the thoughts in my head out of paper and well, out of my head… a means of expressing how I was feeling and my opinions and being able to go back and reflect on them, a way to keep up with my life and the excitement, a way to look back and think about my past mistakes and so on… when I started this blog, I was going thru what I called a Mid-quarter Life Crisis (please refer to my first blog entry)… but since then, a lot has changed in the last two years… I’m not necessarily closer to actually knowing what I want to do with my life, but I am much more aware of what I don’t want… actually that’s not a true statement, I am closer to figuring out what I want, its just that the path I’ve taken is not the one I originally expected to take and because of that, it has made all the difference… and well, isn’t that what life is all about, taking each experience for what its worth… I’ve been thru a lot of stages and phases in my life for the last 2 years… some of them really good places and some really low places… fighting, what at the time, felt like a losing battle with my emotions, my desires, my goals and life in general… I started this blog in a state of confusion… confusion on what I was suppose to be doing with my life as a young 20-something year old… and well, 2 years later I’m a little older and a little wiser… still perplexed about life in general, but now with a better sense of awareness, a better appreciation for life and all of its challenges and opportunities… desperate to enjoy life, but not to repeat the same mistakes, anxious to protect my heart and listen to my head, but wanting to throw caution to the wind and enjoy life for what it is… a contradiction in everything that I say and want, an oxymoron between what the head wants and what the heart needs, inconsistency between how I felt then and how I feel now… a hypocrite in every sense of the word, but yet trustworthy and dependable in every sense of those words… you see, I’ve grown… I’ve changed… to grow and to change are not the same things… I’ve grown in being who I am and fully accepting and loving myself for that… I’ve changed, I’ve changed into this person who’s realizing that I can’t change the world, I can’t change anyone, and that the only person I can change in myself; I’ve learned that I can be more tolerable than I think, I can be more giving and caring than I ever imagined, that I am more sensitive than I will admit, I am more vulnerable than I want to be, but also that I am stronger than before, that I wiser than before, that I can forgive people, who don’t necessary deserve to be forgive, that I can find the good in anyone, cause surely there is some good in all of us…
Here I am almost two years after starting my blog, and I’ve been thru a lot of crazy little escapades in life with my friends, family, and relationships… but when I look back, I can laugh at some of those things, smiles at some, shake my head at some (for how silly the situation was), but more importantly, I can see progression in myself…

At this point in life I am happy… I’ve never really been in a terribly bad situation in life, but in relation to some of the other times in my life, I am truly happy… I’m in a state of which I accept life as it comes to me, I go after what I want, while also learning to realize not to chase the things that are not meant for me, and I continue to take everything as an opportunity or as a lesson learned… I’m single, and I must admit that I’m loving it… I’m enjoying London… I’m getting the chance to meet new people, explore new things and just to take in this entire experience… as the saying goes, you only live once, and I plan on enjoying it to the best of my ability…

And while I don’t make entries into my blog, as often as I use to or as often as I’d like to, its not because I love blogging any less, its just that I have less crazy stories to tell, less complicated situations to sort, and to be honest I’m out and about enjoying myself :-)…

Update....

TA and I have been broken up for about two months, and to be honest, I am completely enjoying life without him… when I was with him, a majority of my life revolved around him and his wants and needs, which I didn’t really like… recently though, I found out some information about TA, that was not so good and it only reinforced to me that I made the right decision about him and I… I’ve forgiven him and moved on with life, I mean honestly what else can I do??? TA has been making appearance in my life again lately, we’ve ran into each other a few time times in the last couple of weeks, and well the interaction gets more and more interesting… The last time I saw him, which was just this past Saturday. I have to admit, we did spend a good amount of time together in the club dance together and we flirted a lot, but that was it for me… I was just enjoying myself in the club… he told me wants to talk, talk about things and just clear the air… so we’ll see what he has to say, if he ever does get around to clearing the air… although I have every reason to never speak to TA again, cause he was shady, when I see him I still speak to him and ask of his wellbeing, that’s just the type of person I am…. Yeah I know he did me wrong, and while I may not want to be in a relationship with him, I still care about him as a person and wish him all the best… TA and I have very different ways of thinking… I use to hold grudges and so on, which is what TA does, but I realized it so much easier to forgive people and just move on with life… life is just too short to be holding on to anger, if someone upsets me, I tell them and then I forgive them and move on… that’s all I can do… trust me, I forgive people for self reasons, I forgive people so I can move on… and besides karma will take care of them, cause whatever they do, will be returned to them, so no need for me to be holding grudges… TA doesn’t understand why I even speak to him after what he did, and I told him, one day he’ll realize how my brain works and he’ll finally understands me…
Anyways, despite his past actions, I do hope that one day TA and I can be friends, I actually think it’s a good possibility for the future… as long as he doesn’t misinterpret my kindness as a signal that I want to get back with him, then things between him and I will be just fine…

The single is great… and I mean that in every sense of the word… being single in London is such a great experience… this isn’t to say that I don’t want a relationship, I do, eventually… but right now I’m enjoying myself… I’m hanging out with my friends, catching up my cousins, exploring new things to do in London and so on… its nice to be able to plan my social calendar with out always consulting someone else, especially if that person is a bit controlling… well, I’ve been managing to visit a few new clubs so far… finally went to Carbon Bar – Love it… also tried out Babble – nice place, nice crowd and good music... more place to come soon... :-)...