My trip to ATL...

So… My first trip to ATL… was cool… had a good time, didn’t really get the full effect of ATL, cause I was only there on for Monday & Tuesday, but I still had a good time… went shopping… which is one of my favorite sports, hung out with my line sister and the one of the friends took me a few spots on Tuesday night… so it was cool… definitely will be stopping thru there again, preferably on a weekend next time… but I can’t complain cause the trip to ATL was completely free on my company…

So, the purpose of the trip was to go recruit at some of the colleges in the ATL… I was really shocked at some of this students in these famous HBCU schools that I was recruiting at… we had an information session on Monday night and then conducted interviews all day Tuesday… first of all, some of these individuals showed up the info session looking a hot mess, not I don’t like talking about people (yeah right), but how do you plan on making a good impression on the company you’re trying to get a job or internship from when you look a hot mess… I mean hair everywhere, outfits inappropriate not just for the info session, but just straight up inappropriate… like her friend should have told her to never put on that outfit, unless it was Halloween inappropriate…. Then on to Tuesday, these students were showing up late to their interviews, some didn’t show up at all and some just walked in without previously setting an interview time… I just don’t understand the mentality of these students; I mean if I was still in college and a big time company came around offering all types of great jobs and benefits, I know I would have been all of it and trying to impress the company… and I can’t believe some of these students had the nerve to skip the interview all together… talk about a waste of my time… and they wonder why black people aren’t progressing…

On to another issue that occurred in ATL… so I went to Bloomingdales… now I love that store, almost as much as I love Nordstrom’s… (like I said Shopping is a sport)… so I went to Bloomingdales and brought a pair of jeans… and the check out clerk, mind you a black lady, had the never to hand me my purchase across the counter… granted this is normal procedure at any other store, but at stores such as Nordstrom’s, Bloomingdales, Neiman Marcus, they are suppose to walk around the counter and bring you your purchases to you… and once again it wouldn’t be a big deal, but she did follow the protocol of walking around the counter and handing the shopping bag to the white lady ahead of me, but when it came to me, she handed me my shopping bag across the counter… now, she must have assumed that I didn’t shop at high retail stores and wouldn’t have known the difference but I was very much offended, and I was tempted to say something to her, but then she would have bought out the little ghetto side of me and I would have simply proven the stereotype that people already have of black people, so I didn’t say anything… but I mean, if our own people can still treat us differently than white people in a negative way, how do we expect white people to truly treat us as equals… now I know you’re thinking, I may be making a big deal of this situation, but it’s the small things that matter… its already ingrained in the black sales assistant head that other black people wouldn’t necessarily know that she was suppose to bring the shopping bag around to me instead of handing it to me over the counter… who knows how else she may subconsciously mistreat black people in other ways…

I did think about New Yorker this weekend… the small things definitely still remind me of him… I haven’t really spoken to him on the phones since we broke up, we’ve texted a little here and there… but haven’t spoken to one another yet…

I’m back at work and I don’t feel like being here… and to top it off, I have a bad head cold… sore throat, headache, stuffy rose… u get the picture… its not pretty… probably gonna leave early if i don't start feeling better...

Getting my Mind off it...

So last night I needed to distract myself from all the stress and drama in my life… so I hooked up with one of my good friends, ST… ST has been my girl since I was like 8 yrs old… so many memories… so we met up to get pictures taken of her daughter and then we went out to grab some food and drinks… of course she had me rolling and laughing all night... definitely took my mind off of New Yorker for a while, but then she wanted to know why I broke up with New Yorker… I explained, or at least tried to explain and she saw my views, I had some valid points… but then she said but he made you happy… yeah he did, but I have to look at the big picture… I do look forward to talking to New Yorker again, but I would understand if he wasn’t so thrilled to talk to me anytime soon… but knowing him, he’s gonna want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him… I just want to make sure he’s ok…

So today, I’m headed to court… my dumb butt got a speeding ticket for tailing a cop… yeah I know STUPID… but I was in a rush and I wasn’t that close to him… but its my first ticket ever in my nine and a half years of driving so I’m hoping the judge will take it easy on me o…

The weekend is here… thank goodness…. I need a break from work and life… I’m just gonna be chilling tonight, may go see Tyler Perry’s new movie, Daddy’s Little Girl , looks like it’ll be funny… I was suppose to go to ATL this weekend and stay til Wednesday cause I have to do some stuff for work on Monday and Tuesday, but my friend’s memorial service is Sunday at church, so I pushed my flight back to a red-eye on Monday morning… I need to pay my last respects to my friend… I can spend a weekend in ATL any other time….
I am excited about the trip though, it’ll be my first time in Atlanta… and I’ll get to see my line sister, my frat brother and hang out with a bunch of friends that moved down to ATL after college… and it’ll help me get my mind off of things for a little while…

So I’m off to court… wish me luck, better yet pray for me…
Have a great weekend and be safe….

**************************************************************

Back from court... GUESS WHAT??? the officer never showed up, he called and said he was stuck in traffic and would be there in 15 mins, so the judge waited 15 mins (which annoyed me)... but when he didn't show up, the judge went ahead and he dismissed almost everyone's case... as soon as he called me up, i almost ran to the front of the court room pleading 'Not Guilty' so the judge dismissed the charges and I ran out immediately, didn't want the officer to try and show up in the middle of mine case... any i didn't have to pay court fee!!!
Great start to a great weekend... and the girls are getting together for dinner this evening, me, AB & NM... Should be lots of fun... things are starting to look up after all :-).....

The breakup...

Yea!!! Yesterday was a snow day… the weather was quite bad out here, so I was lucky enough and didn’t have to go to work…. And coincidentally yesterday was Valentine’s Day as well… and mine didn’t go as well as I would have hoped… so here goes…
So, things are over between New Yorker and myself… I know it may seem little abrupt or sudden, but it was a long time coming…. First let me assure you that I’m not crazy… okay, maybe a little crazy… but that’s me…
As we spoke on the phone yesterday, I asked him what would he say if I wanted to be just friends… and well once the ball got rolling, I couldn’t really stop it… its been on my mind for a week or two now…. For various reasons…. He was kinda surprised, but kinda wasn’t… said he had a dream about it, so he kinda saw it coming, but he didn’t expect it on V-day…. Before u crucify me for breaking up with him on Valentines’ days, I should mention that we didn’t have anything, NOTHING planned for V-day, so in my book it was just another day in the year… so y prolong the inevitable it any longer than I had to, right… He said are you sure… then he said u have a lot going on in your mind cause of everything else in your life, lets pretend we never had this convo and go to sleep and we’ll talk in the morning… then he was like you don’t even want to down grade to an open relationship, you just want to get rid of me all together… (and at this point, I was confused, when did we stop having an open relationship… he said I was his girlfriend and that was that… so on V-days he went from having a girlfriend to nothing at all… damn, talk about feeling guilty… I already felt bad enough, but this didn’t help)… we talked for hours trying to figure everything out… of course I got pissed at him cause he started saying stupid stuff, which at first made me think I made the right decision, but then he turned to his usual sweet self and made me feel like maybe I hadn’t thought this thru all the ways… but things ended on a semi-friendly note… I’m sure we’ll speak again, just cause he feels like I’m still upset with him and knowing him, he’ll want to make sure things are good between us, which I appreciate…
Anyways, at the end of the day, when it’s all said and done… we’re no longer boyfriend and girlfriend… but I already miss him…
And as I spoke to my sorority sister last night, JD… she wasn’t a big fan of him, but she said I should sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning… and I asked her, but y, you were never a big fan of his (she got to hear about all the little tings he did that annoyed me)… and her response was, yeah he’s not my favorite person in the world but he made you happier than I’ve seen you in years, so as long as you were happy, I was happy for you…
Damn, did I make a mistake…. Cause she’s right he did make me over the moon happy, he had a special ways of making everything great but there were just a lot of things I couldn’t deal with…
So I decided to sleep on it… and boy did I sleep… I didn’t lose a wink of sleep (granted I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted from shoving snow)… but this morning it hit me and it hit me hard exactly what I did yesterday…. Yeah I suck; I really could have waited til after V-day… probably should have thought it thru just a little bit more and yeah I’m sad about the whole situation cause i really miss him already but there’s nothing I can do now… I do still think it was the best decision... so that’s that!

“The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what's best for you even if it means breaking someone's heart. Including your own.” ~Anon

a truly sad day...

Today I found out that one of my friends past away on saturday... or at least that's when they found his body... I don't really know how to react, what to do or say... this is truly the first person that i've known personally that has died... I can help but questioning everything in life... how such a good guy can get taken away so early in life... he was just in his late twenties, just getting started with his life...

I don't understand, it just doesn't make any sense to me... I got the call this afternoon while out of town and as i took the two hour drive back home... I thought of everything in the world, wondering y or how or when... no one can really answer any of those questions... at least not yet... i just can't make any sense of anything... y just a guy that i was hanging out with a few weeks ago...

once we find out what happened and how he died, it'll help to bring some closure, but death is something that i don't understand... As i try to distract myself and keep busy, i log on to facebook and i'm going thru a friend's page, and i see a picture of my friend that passed away and all i can think is that all we have are memories now... i understand whats happened, but i can't really grasp it yet... today is a truly sad day... my prayer goes out to his family and all of his friends that love him so much...

Friend Chronicles - Part 1...

Friend Chronicles:

So I’ve decided to start a series called Friend Chronicles…They say that your friends are a good inclination of the type of person you are... I’m not sure if I truly believe that statement, but I plan at looking at a number of my close friends and seeing if it applies to me… so I’ve decided to chronicilize (not a real word, but u know what I’m saying) my friends.. they are interesting characters… so here goes…

Entry 1… AB…I dunno if I still have best friends, but if I had to name one… it’d be my girl AB… AB and I are very much alike, except that she’s more easy going in general than I am and she’s an angry drunk (not really an angry drunk, but gets a little mean when she drinks – never mean to me though)… anyways, AB and I have known each other roughly about 3 years… we lived together my last year of college… then after college, she moved into the DC area and we’ve hung out every since… now, AB is an ideal friend, sometimes too goofy, but I won’t take that away from her cause its part of her charm, it part of the reason we get along so well… me, I can be bossy sometimes, but in general with AB, I’m hardly that way cause we usually think a like so no need to be bossy with someone that’s all thinking the same thing you’re think, or maybe AB just usually lets me have my way cause it doesn’t matter one way or the other to her… either way, things work great between me and her… at the end of the day, its about having fun and enjoying our early twenties…

Entry 2… NM…Then there NM… NM joined our hang out crew of two (me and AB) early last year… she quickly got integrated into our plans cause she was cool to hang out with and we all got along great… I’ve actually known NM since my freshmen year in college, but we were join acquaintances, not really friends…. Anyways, me and NM butt head a lot cause NM lives in her own world, but AB is usually there to help find a compromise and smooth things over… so for now the situation works… don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with NM, but sometimes she drives me up a wall… She’s great to talk to and give great advice, but sometime I just can’t understand her line of thinking… everything is always extra with her… nothing is ever simple with her… I know I can be irritable some times and I really try not to let it show, but when she starts going off the deep end and making things more complicated than necessary it drives me crazy… but at the end of the day, she’s still my girl and she’s lots of fun to hang out with…

Entry 3… JB…There is JB… JB and I have such an interesting yet weird relationship… sometimes we’re the best of friends and sometimes we can go weeks without talking… I’ve known JB for about 4 or 5 years now… JB is Nigerian, once of the nicest guys I know… and well he knows a lot about me… I’m comfortable talking to him about most things… and usually I feel like he’s looking out for my best interests… there have been some situations where I feel the JB was looking out for his own interest and not necessarily what was best for me (we had this period in our relationship where it felt like we were together, so talking about our relationships with other people was always a skewed topic…) but I think we’re over that and back to our normal best friend ways (if I had to pick a male best friend, it would be JB)… JB can be incredibly considerate and treat you with all the respect in the world, depending on who you and how he views you… now, he’s never done me wrong, but I know he has the potential to be not so kind to others, so that’s a factor that one must always consider… cause what if him and I weren’t as close as we were, would he end up treating some how… anyways, sometimes it hard telling JB about who I’m dating or what guy I’m into, cause there’s always that slight concern as to whether he’s looking out for my best interest or for his interest in the situation… but it usually works out that he’s looking out for me, regardless of how he may feel about the situation… that’s my JB… I used to spent a lot of time with him, I mean daily, but lately we’ve has a shift or two in our friendship, so we’re just getting back to the way things use to be… JB is trying to move to London as well later this year, which would be absolutely great, cause well I love JB (not in love, but just love him) and it’d make my transition so much better with him around…

So what do these three friends say about me (or at least I think they say about)… My relationship with AB reflects that I’m a free spirit and I just want to have fun… My relationship with NM may show that sometimes I live in my own world and that I’m stubborn and my relationship with JB reflects my Nigerian side….

more friends to come...

"Many of life's circumstances are created by three basic choices: the disciplines you choose to keep, the people you choose to be with; and, the laws you choose to obey." --Charles Millhuff

"When people are like each other they tend to like each other." ~Anthony Robbins

"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution." ~ Deepak Chopra

Hope you have a great weekend!!!

up & then down...

Glad to say that things between New Yorker and I are kinda back on track… after all that relationship talk we had Monday afternoon, decided I was gonna tell him about how my family wants me to marry a Nigerian and take it from there… I’m sure he’ll ask what I want, and I’ll have to tell him… so we’ll just have to see where the conversation goes from there… So Monday night I told New Yorker that I liked him more after our little discussion/disagreement that we had earlier in the day… and he was like what??? Then he replied “Why, cause I let u do whatever u want to” and I replied You don’t let me do whatever I want to, but no that’s not y, I like you more because of the way you handled the entire situation, it made me appreciate you more… so thanks… and all he could say was wow…
Yeah crazy right… but I totally loved the way he handled the entire situation, he apologized and wanted to talk about it right away, clear the air, make sure we were both comfortable with things and move on from it… I can’t ask for more than that…

Ok… so I started writing this post on Tuesday… and granted its only Wednesday… but my tone is already beginning to change… I’m a confused young lady, I do admit that… I not quite sure what I want, but definitely able to pick out what I DON”T want… and well New Yorker has been in a funky mood the last couple of days, and of course as the significant other in his life at the moment, I’m getting the brunt of this funky mood that he’s in (Guy does PMS… trust me…) so anyways, I’m dealing with it….

Anyways, my homeboy JB is back from Naija… missed him like crazy… we have this crazy friendship where sometimes we’ll talk 2 or 3 times a day and then can go weeks without nothing and when we see each other its like no time has lapsed at all… I can’t explain it, but whenever JB and I are spending time together, talking and hanging out and so on, it always great… anyways, I was chilling with him last nite… trying to catch up on what’s been going on… who we’re both seeing or not seeing and so on… it was great to catch up… we of course talked about New Yorker and JB of course game me his opinion… anyways, while Naija they had a camcorder and recorded part of their visit, it was like the MTV diary thing, it was hilarious… as I was watching it, made me miss Nigeria so much… I just kept thinking I can’t wait to move there or go visit later this year…

Working on a blog series called ‘Friend Chronicle’… they say your friends are a reflection of who you are…. Anyways, the series will start in the next couple of days…

Hope ya’ll r having a good week so far…

Miss Communication... what a weekend!!!

And so I finished my first application for London… its for an internship program… I’ve done my part at least, just have to make sure my references do there part in the next couple of weeks… one down, five to go (it sounds better than it is, once the first one is complete then the rest should be easier)…

Anyways, interesting weekend… New Yorker and I had some serious miscommunication… we talked Friday night and nothing until late Sunday night… very unusually for the couple that manages to spend 8 hours on the phone a few weeks ago… let’s just say that we both got our wires mixed up and he didn’t call me and I didn’t call him… I thought he was avoiding me and he thought I was avoiding him… now how did we both come to this conclusion… well the truth is neither one of us had a sound basis for drawing the conclusion that the other was avoiding them… We spoke briefly on Friday evening and ended the convo with him saying he’d call me back… I went out Friday evening with some co-workers so I didn’t think nothing of it when he didn’t call since he knew I was going out, then nothing on Saturday but then again I didn’t feel like talking to him, so I didn’t call either and then Sunday, nothing… I thought about calling to make sure he was okay, but I didn’t… then he texted after the super bowl asking did I watch the game… he called me a little bit later and we talked for like 2 minutes and then he called me at like midnight when I was in bed and we talked for a few more minutes and he was like I’m bout to go, and I was like yeah me too, cause u’re not saying anything to me, and I didn’t give him a chance to say anything else before I said bye and hung up (harsh I know, but I was a tad bit irritated and I had been drinking, so I didn’t feel like I was in the right state of mind to discuss things with him, but I shouldn’t have hung up the phone on him like that)…

So I get to work today and I decide to be the bigger person and call him… so when we finally start talking, he’s like what’s up with u, what’s going… what was up with this weekend… and that he saw the end of the road coming and females are so predictable and so on and so on (I do have to admit though when he first said he saw the end of the road coming (between me and him), my eyes actually watered for a second and I was hurt)… first I told him that he was tripping and he needed to stop assuming stuff… then I told him that when we last spoke, early Friday evening, he said he would call me and he didn’t and I was waiting on him to call me… he said he called me back Friday nite at like 11pm (its not on my missed call list) but when I didn’t pick up so he assumed I was out partying and when I didn’t call him Saturday morning (like I normally would, if I missed a call from him) that he started to think something was up and that I was avoiding him… he figured since I saw the missed call that I would call him back… well I never got his call and here I was waiting for him to call… so I asked, how long were u gonna wait for me to call, forever? And he replied did I call u first last nite (which he did)… and then he said he felt bad like he had done something cause I gave him attitude last nite when we were on the phone and that he couldn’t even go to sleep and that’s y he called me back later… which at this point I was totally confused, cause I don’t remember him calling me back after I gave him attitude and kinda hung up on him… but I checked my phone again, and he had called me at like 1:20am and we had a convo for like 30 seconds… but I can not recall anything I said to him and he told me that I started talking about some guy that I met and then he hung up, said he didn’t want to hear the end of the story (I didn’t meet a guy, I ran into an old crush that I dated a few years ago… and to tell u the truth I was so out of it, I don’t even remember having this conversation and if it wasn’t for my cell phone call log, I wouldn’t have believed it)… but I did apologize for hanging up on him and for not remembering this brief 1am conversation that we had…

Anyways, he told me that he wasn’t mad about the whole situation (really, cause u could have fooled me the way u were acting and questioning me!!!), cause technically I didn’t cheat on him cause we’re not in an exclusive relationship… but then he admitted that he was a little mad about the entire situation and so on… and I had to reassure him over and over that I hadn’t done anything with anyone else… and explain that rambling that I did when he called me back at 1 something in the morning… and he tried to rub it in my face that he clearly could have taken his sister’s friend home from the club on Saturday night (but he said he thought about me and didn’t, even though he felt like I was avoiding him and out doing stuff with other guys) and I said just as easily as I could have gone home with the guy I used to talk to that I ran into on Friday night at the club (Not the most mature response from either of us, but its reality)… he just assumed that I was off doing something with some other guy cause we didn’t talk all weekend and I told him that that really hurt my feelings that he thought I was capable of doing that… and that he should trust me and have more faith in me… and I told him I didn’t call cause I felt like he had brushed me off Friday evening and that he would call when he was ready to talk to me… and in the mist of all this serious discussion, New Yorker goes ‘baby, you’re so cute…” and I couldn’t help but smile… how can the way I argue with u be cute crazy?!?!?

What I don’t get about New Yorker is why he’s trying to act all hard and say that he doesn’t worry about stuff like that (if a girl is messing with another guy, if he’s involved in an open relationship with her) but that clearly a lie, cause otherwise he wouldn’t have been so overly concerned about this weekend that it was the first thing out of his mouth after ‘what’s up’… I mean if he wasn’t so concerned he wouldn’t have been so worried about what I was doing and who I was doing it with… and he’s like he knows how women act, especially if their man lives in a different town and I told him, I’m not like any one else, I’m gonna be straight forward with u… and even if I was dating/seeing someone else, I wouldn’t make him less of a priority…

Anyways, he told me he thought I was scared of being hurt, scare of falling in love with him and being with him… and that our entire relationship scares me… (And he’s right, this relationship scares the hell out me for so many reasons…)
and at the end, he said u know I like u, I’m not trying to hurt you, I don’t want to hurt you… and all I could do was think about how much I cared about him and didn’t want to hurt him… and of course I reminded him how much he drives me crazy (and he says sorry in the cutest way and puts a smile on my face)… but its ok, cause I luv his craziness…


Aside from all that drama with New York, … my weekend was actually great …
Friday night, I did go out with my co-workers and I ran into the guy, DF… DF was my high school crush… he was a senior and I was a lowly freshman in high school… he was/is such a gorgeous specimen of what a man should be like and look like… anyways, after DF finished school, he moved back to Baltimore, as I did when i finished school, so DF and I dated briefly about two and a half years ago… and we didn’t end on bad terms so whenever we see each other, there’s always that element of flirtation there… and it was still there when I saw him Friday night… and I have to admit he was still as gorgeous as ever… he has this smile that lights up an entire room, with his dark smooth chocolate skins (ok, I’m drooling now…) … but we exchanged numbers and said we’ll kept in touch and that was it…

This was the first weekend where I got to sleep in on a Saturday in 6 months… I didn’t have to wake up early to go running… and me and my friends has a sleep over Saturday night which was a lot of fun and then spent all of Sunday together… went to brunch and then to a Super Bowl party… talk about a relaxing weekend…

Marathon Weekend... the good, the bad & the ugly...

So I’m finally back in action… I ran the marathon this past Sunday in Miami… and well I felt like hell, but I finished it and that’s all that counts!!! It was my first (and probably last) marathon and my goal was to finish it, which I did… and I did it in a decent time as well… I event got this cool metal as I ran across the finish line (as did everyone else that finished the marathon)… anyways, it was a GREAT experience and accomplishment and I’m so proud that I did it… now my friends think I’m crazy cause I want to sign up for a half marathon next month, despite all the pain I am in now… but I figure I might as take advantage of it now since I’m already trained, mentally and physically… it’ll be hard to have to re-train in the future… might as well just keep running since I’m already trained… beside spring is right around the corner and it’ll help me drop off those last couple of pounds and reach one of my 2007 goals.

Lots of other things went on in the last couple of days… Friday night New Yorker starts texting about if we have to do the Yoruba traditions… and here I am in Miami out at a late dinner with my girls (who also ran the marathon)… and I’m like what are you talking about… then he texts “the Marriage Traditions, we don’t have to do them to we?” … at this point I’m totally confused… Y are we talking about this on a Friday night when I’m in Miami and he’s in New York and should be out with his boys… I asked how he knew about the traditions and he replied, he did his homework… I just said we’d talk about it later… then Saturday rolled around and we didn’t talk much during the day cause he was working and I was enjoying sunny Miami… we finally talked later that evening before I went to bed, and we talked about the tradition for a Yoruba wedding, and what I wanted at the wedding and so on… then I told him we needed to chill about this topic (its waaaaaaaay too early to be talking about marriage)… we talked about a bunch of different things… some heavy topics, but for the most part I tried to keep it light just cause I wanted to keep my mind clear so I could get a good nite’s rest since my marathon was in the morning…

I got roughly about 4 to 5 hours of sleep Saturday nite, guess I was anxious… got up at 4 am to get ready for the marathon that started at 6am… well, we got outside and it was raining like crazy, so we started the marathon soaking wet, then it got humid and then the sun came up… not the best running conditions, but hey I finished…

Anyways, so I flew out of Miami Sunday afternoon (even though I was in excruciating pain and could barely walk) cause I had to be in NJ for a training for my job on Monday morning…. And New Yorker was gonna catch the train down so we could spend Monday evening together and we’d both leave on Tuesday… so after my training on Monday I picked up New Yorker from the train station… we had planned it out earlier in the week for New Yorker to come spend some time with me while I was in NJ for my training, but but I was nervous that he wouldn’t come or he would miss his train, but he didn’t miss the train… he got there right on time… we went to dinner and just hung out… and we went to the lunch and then to the Mall before we left on Tuesday... it was really good spending some one on one time with him… realized I like him a lot more than I thought and vice versa… he’s such a cutie… everything he did was so adorable to me and even when he got on my nerves, he was still adorable, apologizing and just being himself… I was just really comfortable with him around… I dunno, it was definitely a good experience and I’m glad he came down… I honestly can’t wait to see him again… but he did drive me crazy at times, which I told him about… but all in all, I had a great time with him… he’s very big on PDA, which doesn’t matter to me much one way or the other, I was just surprised at how open he was… and he kept making comments about being together in the future and about me being his wife and so on… the best thing about the time we spent together was how he remember some of the small comments I’ve made in the past about what I like and don’t like and how he was so considerate about…

I miss him already and now I don’t know what to do about him…. I actually thought about calling him and telling him I think he should date other people, so he doesn’t get too invested, cause from the way he was acting, he definitely is getting invested in us (and so am I to tell u the truth)… and spending all that time with him, without wanting to bite his head off made me realize that I really like him… but i’m just taking it one day at a time… and still have to remember we do have an open relationship…

The real OC...

The real OC…

Aiight, when I left work last Friday evening, I was so excited… I was looking forward to an evening of doing absolutely nothing but watching some movies as I laid in bed… maybe talk to New Yorker for a little bit… but all in all, it was suppose to be a ME night, all about me and relaxing… I managed to get all my errands ran and be in my bed by 5:30pm, talk about lazy!!! Watched my first movie, Little Miss Sunshine… hilarious movie… then decided to take a quick break before popping in the next movie… then my friend, OC, called me… now here’s the story with me and OC… OC and I met late in 2005, maybe around September/October or so… we chilled for a little bit, went out on a few dates… he was a cool guy… then I met another guy name GW in November… GW and I really hit it off, we just really clicked… so I was chilling with both guys getting to know them and so on… then one night I was driving and I called OC on the phone, it was about 11pm or so, and apparently I woke OC up from his sleep, instead of him to just tell me that he was sleeping, he proceeded to talk on the phone and he ended up being really mean and rude and it was a real turn off, so I decided I was done with OC, especially since me and GW clicked more anyways… I stopped called OC and eventually he got the message…

So fast forward about 9 months to August 2006… I was having this huge Birthday party with one of my friends… so I invited everyone in my email address book including OC, without thinking about it… the evite had my number on it…. So OC started calling me again every once in a while, it didn’t bother me cause he’s a cool guy, but I knew that I couldn’t date him… anyways, lately OC has been calling me more talking about how he wants me to be his girl friend and how we’re so good together and so on and so on… I was surprised considering how we ended things and the face that he hadn’t seen me in over year (since the end of 05)… each time he called it was the same thing, the convo would start off cool, but then he’d manage to start talking me and him being together and so on… Anyways, he called me on like Tuesday night and was confession all these things about how he felt foe me and I wasn’t prepared… so I got off the phone and called him back on Thursday, but he didn’t pick up… then he calls me back on Friday… this past Friday… and I was trying to be nice about the situation and not come out and say that I won’t date him again, so I told him I was dating someone that I cared about… but that didn’t phase him… so I gave him the ultimate excuse, there’s no point in dating him cause he’s not Nigerian and I want to marry a Nigerian… I think that hit home for him… but even then he just kept going on and on about he doesn’t understand what the big deal is and blah blah blah and trying to make me feel guilty talking bout I broke his heart and he’s in so much pain and so on…
In my mind, I was thinking… REALLY, cuz u haven’t seen me in over a year and we don’t talk that often, where was all this really coming from… so anyways, after 2 hours, I managed to get off the phone with him… and well I though everything was resolved… then late Saturday night (or early Sunday morning) he started texting me all these crazy comments that we can try and make it work… I tried to ignore it but he was blowing up my phone so I replied and he was like he doesn’t understand… and by this time it was 4am and I was quite tipsy and exhausted from dancing all night… so the last text I sent said something to the affect that I’m dating someone I really care about and I’m not leaving him for anyone… we’ll talk about this later and good night… he’s response was quite angry with capital letters and all these exclamation marks… I was too tired to deal with it, so I went to sleep… I finally talked to him about it on Sunday nite and why the hell was he texting me all the stuff and that his last text was angry… we talked it out and well the resolution, he’s gonna have to work it out cause I’m not dating him again… if only New Yorker knew half the drama other guys put me through!!!

4 days to my marathon… and then after my marathon I get to spend some quality time with my New Yorker … cause I gotta go to Jersey for work and well he’s gonna come down and spend a day or two with me :-) (called New Yorker today from work… and the first thing outta his mouth was ‘can’t wait to see you on Monday baby’… )… can’t wait to see him next week!

update....

Ok, so I’ve been MIA for a little bit… life’s just been a tad bit busy for me, that’s all…

Let’s see… I’ve went to the gym twice last week, and both types IN was like what’s up, what’s going on and just trying real hard to talk to me… and usually we talk after my workout, but both times he had clients and I wasn’t about to wait… he did call me one of the evenings, but I pretended to be asleep when I picked up the phone… So anyways, IN was blowing up my phone this weekend… he literally called me 7 times on Saturday evening between 8pm and 10:30pm (yes I went into my phone and counted how many times he called)… and he was spitting a whole bunch of non-sense… talking about how I’m playing him and how we should go out tonight and I’m like r u joking, i’ve got plans and its too last minute… I’m like I have plans, I’m going to DC… and of course he says, I’m going to DC too… where r u going in DC, maybe I’ll come hang out with you… NEGATIVE buddy… told him it was a small get together… which it kinda was… which leads me to my evening Saturday night… went to my friend’s house party in DC… it was mostly white people, but me and my girls had a blast… hadn’t had that much fun at a house party in years…

On to New Yorker… so the representative is officially gone and well I don’t like things as they are now… I mean, I’m not miserable, just not over the top happy like I usually am about New Yorker… I dunno what it is, but some time last weekend (not this one that just pasted, but MLK weekend) since then New Yorker has been a little MIA… like we haven’t been talking as much and he just seemed distracted… now I know that things are difficult for him at the moment with work, but that been the case since we started talking, so that can’t be the reason for him acting like this… sometime last week I decided that I was gonna be patient with him and the situation… cause technically he’s not my boyfriend and we are in an open relationship, but honestly if this thing is gonna work, he’s gonna have to give me all the attention and time that I need and that I give him… so New Yorker and I talked yesterday (Sunday) afternoon… he was blowing up my phone as well, calling on both my cell phones til I picked up the phone… and well he didn’t sound so happy when I finally picked up my phone, he was grilling me with questions talking about where r u, what did u do last night, what guy were you with and well u get the gist of it… I told him he needed to calm down and stop assuming I was doing anything wrong and I reassured him that I didn’t do anything with anyone, so after he calmed down he apologized… at first I was confused where all these crazy questions were coming from, but then again I did text him some random things the previous night while I was at my friend’s house party after drinking more than I probably should have (drunk texting is never a good idea)…

Anyways, we got over that hump and we were talking as usual… and I was gonna bring up the issue that I was having with him not being around as much and what was going on and so on… but before I could we got of the phone at like 4 or so (granted we were on the phone for over an hour, but I got so caught up in talking about other things with him that I never got a chance to mention what was on my mind)… and well, that was the last time I talked to him yesterday, I called him later in the evening and texted him, but nothing… no response… and I was thinking … see that’s the shit I’m talking about… so I went to bed a little annoyed… didn’t sleep well and I had this dream about me and him fussing… so I got up early and got ready for work and on my 40 minute drive to work, my phone rings very unexpectedly… and its New Yorker… said he was calling cause ‘he wanted to let me know that he was ok, that his phone died and that he had left it up the block at this boy’s place and that he woke up early cause he couldn’t sleep cause he didn’t get to talk to me and cause he didn’t me to be worrying that something happened to him and to wish me a good day and so on’…. Said he got up early and went up the block to get his phone just so he could talk to me… sweet, right… and I wanted to believe him just cause he NEVER gets up that early for anything, and that put a smile on my face.. And I told him that he was an interesting guy and that I’ll take that statement as face value and we’ll deal with what’s on my mind later…

But of course New Yorker was persistent and wanted to know what was the matter… said he didn’t want me to be angry or upset with him and I told him that’s he’s been MIA for the last week or so and that all those questions about me always being with some other guy makes me think that he’s only asking me that cause he’s doing stuff with other women… and of course, New Yorker is a sweet talker and said that he’s sorry about not being around as much as I want him to be and he’ll fix it and that he only asks me those question cause he feels like he has the best girl in town and he doesn’t want any other guy touching me… that’s he not doing anything with any other girl… and so on and so on… needless to say he got back on my good side again… and well it did feel good to talk to him and get things cleared up… and I appreciate the way he was persistent about clearing the air between us and making sure that everything was cool before I got to work and he went back to sleep… I miss him already and we just got off the phone 3 hours ago… can’t wait til he gets up so we can talk again :-)…

My weekend was packed… I’ll blog about my Friday nite later… fully of drama :-/ from this guy I used to date, we’ll call him OC…. I’ll explain all about that in my next post…

Quotes....
"I am more and more convinced that our happiness depends more on how we meet the events in our lives, than on those events themselves." ~Alexander Humboldt

"The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway." Henry Boye

"If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive. " ~Dorothee Solle

M I A ...

sorry i've been MIA.... been a busy week at work... had a lot on the mind lately... but will update very soon....

have a great weekend...

Re-Focusing …

Re-Focusing …

And so I was reading Naijadude’s post the other day, Be Yourself…. And it made me realize that I’ve been distracted lately… before the holiday season, before I met IN and before I started kicking it with New Yorker, I was so focused on applying to school in the UK for grad school and figuring what I wanted from life, trying to figure out the next step for myself… But I’ve been so slack about it lately… my plan was to have all my applications out by the end of December… well, let’s just say December 31st came and went by with out me making a visit to the post office :-/… but no worries, my applications aren’t due until March, but I’ve resolved to continue to work on them and hopefully send most of them out by the beginning of February… worked on one of my personal statement for one of the schools, think I’m just about done with it, sent it to my sister to proof read... once I have the first personal statement done for grad school, the rest will be easy… I’ll just have to make minor adjustment to the first personal statement for grad school and I just finished the personal statement for the intership.. … I got 5 applications to finish… 4 are for school and 1 is an internship program… so I’m back on the grind with that…

And I realized that I never finished making my list of personal goals for 2007:

1. Lose these last 10/15 pounds that I’ve been playing with for a few months
2. Travel to 2 places I’ve never been (one being Atlanta - cause I’ve never been…)
3. Participate in another running event (Aside from my Marathon at the end of January)
4. Go back to school
5. ...
6. ...
7. ...

Haven't quite finished the goal list yet, but still working on it...

And on the New Yorker situation... he makes me happy at the moment and i can't remember the last time i've been this happy... so i'm gonna go with the flow... I'm sure i'll eventually talk things thru with New Yorker and we'll take it from there; but for now, we're still early in our relationship, so no need to jump the gun on things... so i'm just going with the flow :-)...

Some quotes:

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever...

There is a time for risky love. There is a time for extravagant gestures. There is a time to pour out your affections on one you love. And when the time comes --seize it, don't miss it. ~Max Lucado

Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will work. –Dr. Robert Anderson

I don't cross my bridges until I get to them... I've spent a lot of time defeating myself crossing bridges that I never get to, so now I just deal with whatever reality is in front of me and not necessarily what ifs... ~Anon

logic over emotion???

And so… after the entire weekend New Yorker and I talked briefly on Sunday cause I was riding in the car with 3 other people and didn’t want to be rude and it was late when I got home… so we didn’t get to really talk til yesterday… we talked last night… talked about the weekend and how we had such a good time together and so on… said he was really feeling me and so on… we talked again about commitment issues…told him I couldn’t afford to get too attached to him, especially not this early… but he says and does all the right things... he's concerned about all the small things, especially all the small things that matter to me... what's crazy is that whenever i even get a small doubt in my mind, its like he knows and calls or texts me and everything seems to be right with the world again... corny, i know... but that's just how I feel about my shortie...

Talked to one of my good friend, AG, last nite… AG and I went to college together, she was one of the first people I met in Undergrad and still keep in touch with even though she lives far away… anyways, AG and I are very similar in many ways, except that sometimes she more neurotic than I am, but at least emotionally we are both alike… and she advised me saying that DD don’t date someone that you can’t marry... and that the open dating situation sounds good in logic, but that if she knows me as well as she does its not gonna work out as simple as I am making it out to sound… and truth be told, it wouldn’t be that simple… I already know that… AG believes that either way someone is going to get hurt in this relationship and that I should imagine how hard it will be to give him up later if I decide I can’t marry him, when I already have a hard time going a couple of hours with talking to him… she’s right, it will be difficult, either now or later… but probably harder later… I don’t want to string him along, I kinda want to lay the whole thing out there so that he understands where I’m coming from, but then again when I try to explain it just sounds (as in AG’s words) that I’m just with him for the attention and affection, and when the right Nigerian guy comes along that I will dump New Yorker all together… and that’s not the case, I promise… I’m tempted to just keep going with the flow of things and let things progress naturally… yeah I know we mention getting married, having kids and the future, but its not like we’re seriously planning or any of that stuff (or at least I’m not)… but then again I don’t want him to get so emotionally invested in me and then I turn around and give him some BS story about how I can’t be with him cause he’s not Nigerian…

Today we (New Yokrer and I) were talking and he’s at his friend’s house when he calls me… and I guess she asked who he was on the phone with and his reply was wifey…. all of a sudden, i'm wifey now… when did I become wifey… not to say that I mind… actually it put a little smile across my face cause he’s all about telling them who I am… and my status with him…

In case u can’t tell, I am terribly confused… I really like this dude, but don’t wanna hurt him… there is soooo much potential for me and him… and yet there are some road blocks already… well not some, just one major road block that I don’t know if I can ever come to over look… my head says that I’m still young and I should just enjoy the experience cause he’s a great guy with his head on straight… but my heart says you can’t put me in a vulnerable position to fall for a guy that you know u can’t be with forever… logic says that an open relationship is very manageable and would work well in this situation… emotions say I’m already attached to New Yorker and I don’t want him seeing any other females… my head over my heart… logic over emotions… whats a girl to do???


"The mind is no match with the heart in persuasion; constitutionality is no match with compassion. " ~ Senator Everett Dirksen

New York for the nite... with my New Yorker...

OMG… 23 miles is a long ways… but I am glad to say that I completed the 23 miles run this weekend successfully… I was in a lot of pain afterwards, but I am glad I did it and it made me feel so much more confident about my marathon in 3 weeks… excited!!!

So my friend, AB and I, finished running… we went to her place to get ready for NY… called our friend, NB, to head over cause we’d be ready to leave soon… anyways, after a whole bunch of random events, we finally made it onto the bus… we only caught the bus cause it was cheap, convenient and we had a ride back with our friend who had left for NY the day before…
Anyways, I tired to take a nap on the bus, but it wasn’t happening… everyone kept calling me to make sure we we’re still coming (turns out a lot of my friends were in NY that weekend and were planning on going to the same party)… so my phone was ringing off the hook, and not to mention New Yorker was calling to make sure I was still coming and to see how far away we were and so on… finally made it to New York… the bus was suppose to drop us off at Penn Station, but it stopped in Chinatown and they told everyone to get off… hmmm, guess that what you get for the cheap ride, but the ride was surprisingly comfortable… anyways, we make our way to Harlem, luckily NB knew the train system and we navigated our self to our friend, C’s place… we finally made it to C’s place at like 10pm, where she had a nice home cooked meal and drinks waiting for us! What a great host!!!

Anyways, New Yorker and his boy showed up around midnight to pick us up… my first impression (cause I haven’t seen him in over 3 weeks, which was the first time we met)… was he’s as cute as I remember… was surprised at how natural it felt when we hugged… and in the back of my mind, I knew that it was gonna be a great evening… we’re all in the car talking, laughing and tripping… it was six of us in the car (we were riding in a Hummer, so it was comfortable)… but I really wished that it was just New Yorker and me, as we sat in the car and texted each other as we drove to the club… we finally made it to the party, the guys dropped us off and went to go park and when we walked into the party, first people we see are some friends that are in town… and one of them is like my little brother from college, FC… (quick side note: I met FC his freshmen year in college and my junior year and we just really clicked, he was like a little brother to me… anyways, a couple of months ago when I went back to my school for homecoming, I saw FC at a party and he was beyond drunk… I was pretty tipsy myself… but I sobered up when I saw the FC needed someone to watch him and take care of him… anyways, that nite FC kissed me and it totally threw me off and I just blamed it on the alcohol.. we never talked about it and I just assumed that he was too drunk to remember what happened…) So anyways, as I walked into this club, I say hi to the girls and then to FC… except that FC pulls me a little too close, not just like a friend close to give a hug, but a little too close for my comfort… and he started coming on a little strong which I didn’t expect and I tried to play it off and one again chuck it up to the fact that he had been drinking. Normally I wouldn’t have paid it any attention, except that he had called me earlier in the evening on my ride up, talking about I’ve been thinking about you and I can’t wait to see u and so on…

Anyways, New Yorker and his boy came into the club a few minutes a later and well I pretty much stayed with him the entire time at the party… it was a little too much PDA between New Yorker and myself, for my own taste… the holding hands and dancing and stuff was cute… but the kissing and so on that occurred was totally not necessary… but in my defense, I let him take the lead (PDA doesn’t bother me in general and I’m not opposed to it, so I usually let the guy lead incase he feels a particular way about it)… well, let’s just say that New Yorker had no shame in his game, he had no problems showing everyone that he was feeling me and vice versa…. It was cool though, me and New Yorker were that couple u look at and say ‘get a room’… hmmm… anyways, after the club we went to get some dinner or rather breakfast in the city before heading back home for the evening…
It was definitely hard saying bye to New Yorker on Sunday afternoon when we were getting ready to leave… it was so nice to be with him, see him and spend time with him… we had a really good time together… all the worries went out the window and everything just clicked between us… which I’m glad it did… but he started talking about long-term stuff again… hmmm, which worried me….
After New Yorker left, my friends and I went to brunch before hitting the road… Got home around midnight and it was a struggle to get up this morning at 6am… so I didn’t… stayed my butt in bed til like 9:30 when New Yorker called me to see how I was doing…
The verdict is that I do like New Yorker a lot, but I’m just not sure about the future… not sure how much potential our relationship has… but for now, I’m just going with the flow… New Yorker may be coming up here this weekend, but its not definite yet…

After I finished talking to New Yorker this morning, I called my ex, L, this morning… I had a dream about him last night that really scared me, so I had to call him to make sure he was okay and to check up on him … he’s doing well he says, and I briefly told him about the dream and begged him to be careful… the dream really scared me… I usually don’t remember my dreams, but this dream was so clear and vivid… as I was telling L to be careful and take care of himself, I felt tears coming down my face cause the dream scared me… L has a way of easing my fears, he was able to calm me down and make me feel better (that's one of the great things about him)... As usual we talked about a whole bunch of things... especially the future, he tried to ask if or who I'm dating and I manage to beat around the bush with my answer, but i'm always straight forward with him, i simply ask 'so, who's the new girl in your life'... he says he doesn't have one, and i believe him... we talk about moving to Nigeria, cause he just got back from Naija on Saturday evening... suprising that he wants to move to Nigeria now, cause when we were dating I told him that I planned on moving to Nigeria and he wasn't trilled with the idea, but considered it then cause we were making plans for the future... but now i'm glad to hear that he's planning on moving back... I wouldn't or couldn't tell L about New Yorker... one, its too early in relationship with New Yorker and secondly, I already know what he's going to say... anyways, it was great talking to L, its always great talking to him... hadn't talked to him since he left for Nigeria a few weeks ago... but i'm just glad that he's doing well...

I finally made it to work around noon today… I’ve still not recovered from my run or the events on Saturday evening with my friends & New Yorker… but it was worth it… cause I had a great time…

Running into IN... NY for the weekend...

So I went to the gym Wednesday evening… first time I’d been to the gym since the week before Christmas (just been running instead… cause my gym is close to my job and not where I live) anyways… I was hoping I wouldn’t see IN, but I knew that the chances of that happening were slim… so I just finished working out on the machines upstairs and was heading down stairs to do some circuit training and work on my abs… when I see IN walking up the stairs with a client… all I could think was “Yes, he’s busy, so at least he won’t be able to corner me…”… I tried to walk by nonchalantly and just hey and keep it moving, but as soon as he saw me, he smiled and said ‘ that’s messed up… we need to talk…’ and I said ok and kept walking…. Talk… talk about what… so anyways, I was stretching and finishing my up my workout, when IN came by and starting talking about how I totally forgot about him and blah blah blah… and I simply said to him, jokingly… I told you have a short attention span and that I deserve a lot of attention (note: I’m not a diva (although my friends may beg to differ), but if a guy is interested, he needs to act like he is… I don’t have time for games…) and he replied, but I called u last week… and I simply said yeah u called me once after not seeing me in the gym for 2 weeks… and the convo went on in that manner… then he’s like if you’re done with your workout, let’s go grab some dinner… but I couldn’t, I had somewhere else I have to be at within the hour, so I declined… he’s like, but we should talk… and I simply replied you know my number and walked away… now if IN was really serious, he should have call me later Wednesday night or even yesterday… but nope, nothing… but then again I wasn’t expecting him to call nor did I really want him to call… so anyways, case & point… IN is just gonna be a friend…

Anyways, on to pressing issues… I’m going to NY tomorrow and I'm gonna get to see New Yorker… can’t wait to see him… this trip was already planned b4 I mean New Yorker, cause one of my friends that lives in DC, that's a promotor, is having this huge party in NY so me and my girls are going for the party… Anyways, I’m just happy that it worked out this way cause now I get to see my baby as well… now, I really want to spend time with New Yorker, but I definitely don’t want to miss the party that I was planning on going to, so I’m thinking that neither I hang out with New Yorker b4 I go out with my friends or invite him and his boys to come along to the party…. I kinda mentioned that to him as well about him coming to the party… and he’s like whatever I want to do is cool as long we’re together… so I dunno… I’m not big on bringing a guy I’m talking to a party in general (just cause things aren't really defined yet and so on), but then I don’t want to abandon my friends for New Yorker or vice versa… but inviting him to the party sounds like the best option and it may all work out especially since I do want to see him so much…

Tomorrow is the big day for me… I’ll be running 23 miles in the morning… it’ll be the furthest I’ve ever run and the most I will run before my marathon… The Marathon is in exactly 3 weeks from this Sunday… Once I finish this 23 mile run, I will feel much more confident about my marathon and being able to complete it… training has been so hard for this marathon, but it’s been worth it…

Yes, I know I have a packed day tomorrow… first the run in the morning, then riding up to NY, then the party... it's all good though, I can handle it... besides I’ve been resting up and everything all week, so I should be good… have a great weekend…

3.09am

3:09am… I was awoken from my sleep with a text… ‘I’m on my way home’… it was my baby (New Yorker… yeah I know it early to be giving each other cute little nicknames, but that started as soon as we started talking)… he went bowling/drinking with his boys last night and well I wanted to call to say good night earlier in the evening, but I didn’t want to call him while he was with his boys cause I don’t want to crowd him… after I replied to text, we went back and forth for 10 minutes… he wanted to make sure it was ok for him to call me since I was already sleeping, he didn’t want to disturb me even more… but of course I told him it was cool… its always nice to hear his voice… he called me a few minutes later when he got home… said he wanted to call me earlier when they were bowling cause he knew I was going to bed early, but his boys been teasing him like crazy about us always being on the phone, so I understood… cause well, we are always on the phone, sometimes he calls them (his boys) on 3-way with me, just so me and him don’t have to get off the phone… and when I call him, he answers the phone ‘Hey baby’ even around his boys… so I understood…

We talked for a little bit before we both decided it was time for bed… I dunno what it is about this guy, but he is the sweetest thing… always knows exactly what to say, to make my heart do that little skip & jump, and put a smile on my face…
Anyways, New Yorker has a game plan for his job and life and things in 07 in general… said he was gonna start putting it into action… but I knew it was gonna be rough for to get up this morning after a nite out with his boys… had to call him this morning to make sure he was up and getting ready to go into the office… now all of this isn’t strange at all, but when I started thinking about it, I realize that when he talks about the plan for work and the future, its always ‘us’ and ‘we’ and so on… and the fact that when I called his this morning, I was like ‘baby, you gotta get up and start working on the plan…. Blah blah blah”… made me start thinking… when did I get so concerned about his plan, the plan or our plan… i'm just suppose to be going with the flow?

Running, Not Walking…

That’s what me and New Yorker are doing… we’re running… and we’re running at a pace too fast for me… Lemme explain… in my last post just a few days ago I was talking about how New Yorker wanted an open relationship and that I was cool with it for now since we were just getting to know each other and there was no need to rush into anything… well, New Yorker and I have spent a lot of time talking the last couple of days/weeks… I mean we have these marathon phone sessions where we’re on the phone for like 4, 6, 8 hours… yeah I know its crazy, what the heck do we have to talk about for that long, each day… I dunno honestly, it just happens… what I expect to be a quick call to say what’s up turns into a couple of hours… now I dunno know how or exactly when we got to the place where we’re at, but he’s seriously considering being in a committed relationship with me and only me… and that scares the living day lights out of me… he started making small comments about the future and me and him (which he calls an ‘us’ now…) and I caught all the small comments and thought they were cute (still do)… but I guess I didn’t realize that he was really taking things seriously… these commitment comments coming from a man that has had open relationships that have last for more than 2 years (really, an open relationship for 2 years where he saw other people…) so imagine my surprise when yesterday he started seriously talking about me and him committing to one another… now, I’ll be the first to say it (incase you haven’t already figure it out)… I have commitment issues… things that I am currently dealing with… we’ll get back to my commitment issues in a minute… I guess I kinda saw things leading towards this direction, but I didn’t expect this to happen so quickly, cause I knew (or at least I thought I did) that he would be content having an open relationship for now and that maybe in the future if things are going good, we could take it from there…

Ok, New Yorker and I haven’t seen each other since we met a few weeks ago, but we’ve been inseparable on the phone… we’ve gotten to talk about so many things and get to know each other… but the fact remains, what if we don’t click when we’re together… maybe its just good now cause we’re only talk on the phone, what if its different when we are together…. That a major concern that we both have, which we discussed last night… said he couldn’t imagine us not clicking when we see each other and start hanging out, since we clicked the first time we met… and I agree with him, but its still a very valid issue… and well, if we don’t click, what’s his resolution… he says ‘we’ll just be that couple that argues all the time (the couple that cares a lot for each other but clashes)’… hmmm, we’ll have to wait to see how that turns out… I’m suppose to head out to New York on Saturday afternoon after my 23 mile run, cause my friends are having a party and me and my girls wanna go…. He’s really excited about me coming up to NY and so am I… I can’t wait to him… anyways, yesterday was just crazy we started talking around 4 o’clock and didn’t get of the phone til half past midnight… And I was dreading coming to work, especially since I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to him as much… and he did the sweetest thing this morning… he woke up at like 6 something this morning to text me to make sure I was up…

I don’t understand y he wants to be in a committed relationship already… I told him that all of this was making me nervous, which is the truth… that we needed to take a couple of steps back and slow it down… we should see how things go this weekend before making wedding plans… and wedding plans… yeah I know he was joking when he was talking about ‘our’ wedding plans… but there a bit of truth to every joke and I just can’t plan that far in advance yet… my walls are still up, pretty high and we have a looooooong ways to go before making any types of plans like that… I know it seems like I’m rambling, but I’m just so perplexed about everything… My commitment issues stem from my past experiences… and there are some things that I haven’t quite let go of yet that I’m still working on… we talked about my commitment issues and his commitment issues (cause he definitely has some as well)… I told him that I don’t have a problem once I’ve made a commitment to someone, my problems is getting to the point of making the commitment… getting to the point of making the commitment means I have to trust you, and that’s hard… really hard for me to do…

There are many other issues to come to my mind with my current situation… but right now, all I can only focus on is seeing him on Saturday and seeing where things go from there… but with everything that's going on in my head and me over analyzing everything like i do, the one thing that scares me the most is that everything with him feels so right... it just does...

With all this going on in my head, almost forgot to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I got NY on the mind...

Hmmmm…. So me and New Yorker have been chillin hard…. Well, I waited for his call the other day and it never came… I called him later, but he never picked up and then I texted him and nothing… hmmm, boy was I curious as to why he wasn’t talking to me… he couldn’t have given up on us so quickly, I mean it was only a small argument… but then I was woken up on Thursday morning by a call from him… he didn’t sound so good… he was like he has a migraine and spent the entire day in bed sleeping ( he doesn’t like taking pills) trying to get rid of his migraine and then he say how could I think he was giving up on us and me… anyways, we talked for a few more minutes, but he didn’t sound good, so I told him to go back to bed and we’d talk later… later was an hour later when he called me back…. We stayed on the phone for about 5 and a half hours… literally… talking about a whole bunch of random things…. We only got off the phone cause I had to go running… then we spend most of the evening on the phone…. The more I talk to him, the more I like him… and did I mention he sends the sweetest texts to me (when we’re not on the phone) just to let me know he’s thinking about me… its cutest when he does it while he’s out with his boys and suppose to be having fun…

We’ve been talking a lot lately… mainly cause I took the week off work and he often works from home, so we spend most of the day and evening on the phone… which will change next week when I go back to work… anyways, been talking to him about relationships and so on… and well his philosophies are a bit unorthodox, but actually things I can work with… so here’s the deal… New Yorker wants us to have an open relationship… which I can work with for the fact that, well… No, I’m not settling, but right now this situation would work for me cause…. we don’t live in the same state, I’m not necessarily ready to be in a serious serious relationship, and lastly I can still continue to meet new people without hurting him… but then I know I am the jealous type, or I can be at times… and I can tell that with him I’m gonna be jealous… I’m already not feeling his relationship with some of his female friends, but it’s not my place to really say anything about that… Sometimes he give me a little too much information about his past relationships, but I guess I’d rather know, then not know…

So last night I went out for a little bit with my sister and sister-in-law…. Went to this lounge place downtown and it was a lot of fun… ran into my friend/ex, SO… me and SO were talking, we usually have these deep conversations at the most random times, but he’s definitely one of my good friends… anyways, he was asking where my man was (he was trying to find out what was going on with me relationship wise)… and I replied, I don’t have a boyfriend, but I’m dating… as he continued to probe, I briefly mentioned New Yorker (briefly because one we were in a loud public place and two I don’t like giving too much details about my relationships to me exs, even if we are friends). And SO’s first question was like, is he Nigerian… and I replied no and tried to move on to another topic, then SO said is he at least African… another no… and then he was like are you serious and that I needed to get serious… I didn’t know what to say… he just said that we would talk later and he could find out what type of guy I was looking for and that he has some prospects for me and that he’ll introduce me to them (yes I know how awkward it may seem that my ex is trying to hook me up with a guy, but we are good friends)… but in my mind, I thought he was right, but what am I suppose to do, I already like New Yorker and I’m not willing or ready to let him go… but then again me and him are just dating and are trying to have an open relationship….

My New Yorker....

Alrighty…. Christmas was great… went to Church Christmas morning where they served us breakfast :-)… then went to my sister-in-law’s place for a family lunch… the lunch was great, most of the family was there… then went to see the new Will Smith Movie, Pursuit of Happyness… it was a really good movie… Will Smith and his son both did a great job…

Alright…. Lets see what’s been going… most of my attention has been diverted to New Yorker :-)… (I met New Yorker about 2 weeks ago when I went to NY)… anyways, we’ve really been hitting it off… I mean, we’re really clicking…. He’s become the first person I talk to when I wake up, the last person I talk to each night and the person that calls and texts me ALL day (and yet it DOESN”T annoy me AT ALL…) … he’s got a lot of game, but he definitely a sweet guy… we’ve been talking about the rules of dating (in general), and well of course his rules are more relaxed (but ain’t that typical for a guy)…. Anyways, we’ve talked about sooo much… we usually talk for a couple of hours each morning before we start our day… then during the day and then at night before we go out and when we come back… anyway, needless to say I’m enjoying my time with New Yorker… except we got into our first little argument last night…. New Yorker was suppose to catch the train up here to Baltimore last night (it was a last minute decision and I shouldn’t have gotten overly excited, but I did)… we decide earlier yesterday that he would catch the train to Baltimore and we would hang out for a few days… well a whole bunch of random things happened (some out of his control)… anyways, he never came… and when he called me to tell me, boy was I pissed…. I was really short with him for the rest of the night, cause he got my hopes up and then disappointed me… I know he was sorry… he apologized over and over again, but I wasn’t in the mood to hear it or to really talk to him… See, here’s the thing… I can have a bad temper at time, so I learned to just shut my mouth whenever I get mad, upset or disappointed, cause I have a mouth on me and I can be very mean when I’m hurting…. So I’ve learned just to shut my mouth and not say nothing till I’m calm and can talk thing thru… I always make it a point to talk thing thru later though cause I feel the need to clear the air so we can move past the situation… I know, I know, it may not be the best way to hand things, but its saved many relationships because it gives me a chance to calm down and look at the situation from all angles before reacting, especially reacting negatively…. Anyways, that was last night…. Me and New Yorker have texted a little today, but we haven’t talked on the phone, which is sooooo weird for me and him…. And even thru texting earlier, he managed to apologize again and tell me that he thought about me all night yesterday…. And to be truthful, I thought about him all night as well…. I miss him, I miss his voice and I just wanna talk to him… I know he’s taking a nap right now and he said he’ll call me when he gets ups… and I can’t wait… I can’t wait to talk to him…

Yes, I know I haven’t known him for a long time, but things are just so comfortable with him… and I definitely glad that I decided to call him when he gave me my number…. And we are only talking and getting to know each other… we’re both open to seeing other people, especially since we live 3 ½- 4 hours away from each other…

anyways... IN called me today, we talked for a few minutes before i got off the phone with him... my mind was not focused on him....

New Years... only 5 days away....

Random thoughts... goals for 2007...

Aiight… So I’ve come to the conclusion (all on my own) that me and IN are probably just gonna be friends and nothing more… I did tell him that I had a short attention span… I went to the gym Monday evening, and I saw IN for a second, but he was busy, he had back to back clients… and besides I needed to focus on my workout… did a water aerobics class and it was a lot of fun… anyways, one would think that since we didn’t get a chance to really talk while I was at the gym that he would have called me, especially since he’s done with classes for the semester… but nope… so anyways, to round it up, the flame for him was put out before it ever really got started…

But on the good note… New Yorker (the guy I met last weekend while I was in NY) definitely has some game… he seems like a really nice guy, he’s cute, funny, has his head on straight for the most part… no major flaws yet (I say yet, simply because we all have flaws, even major flaws… they just take some to surface)… now he told me that he wasn’t showing me ‘the representative’ and that he was just being himself, but only time will tell… needless to say, New Yorker has definitely got my attention at the moment and he’s doing a good job of keeping himself on my mind… but in the back of my mind I remember he’s not Nigerian and I want to marry a Nigerian… so there’ll always be that bit of hesitation… but that doesn’t change the fact that he does peak my interest :-)…

It would be ideal to marry a Nigerian guy, not only Nigeria but a Yoruba man, for so many reasons… but sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t restrict myself to only dating Nigerian men… there’s a lot to experience out there and I shouldn’t sit around waiting for a Nigerian guy to come find me…

Aiight… 4 days til Christmas… and even though we don’t have a Christmas tree up and we’re not evening exchanging gifts til New Year’s day this year, I’m still excited… the little kid inside of me is still overjoyed that it’s the holidays and that its Christmas time… and that I get a time to relax a little, spend some time with the family and just to reflect over the last year of my life… so much has changed and yet so much has remained the same… I start to think of New Years Resolutions… and while I’m not big on making new year’s resolutions, I do like to set some goals for myself… this time last year, I made 6 goals for myself, cause it was about to be 2006… anyways, my goal for 2006 was to travel to 3 new places that I’ve never been (which I did… Paris, Texas (Houston and Dallas), and California), I also set out a goal to go to my first real concert (which I did as well), to finish my masters degree, get my new car… and to my satisfaction, I was able to get all of those things accomplished because not only were they realistic goals, they were things that I wanted with my entire heart so it was easy to work towards them… now that 2007 is around the corner… I’m putting together my goals for the new years… milestones that I would like to reach in 2007… so far, I’ve got… (1) Lose these last 10./15 pounds that I’ve been playing with for a few months, (2) Visit Atlanta (cause I’ve never been…) and that’s all I have as of yet… but I’ll have a nice list before the new years rings in… what resolutions or goals are you making for yourself in the new year???

NYC was great...

NY was great… so I got up Saturday morning and went running, ran 20 miles in DC, then jumped on the Amtrak for my nite in NY… first of all, every muscle from my hips and downward was hurting me, muscles I didn’t know exists were hurting after running the 20 miles… but it was all good, cause I did it!!! Anyways, was knocked on the train, got to NY around 5:30pm… met up with my sisters and friends (they drove down earlier)… we went to see the Color Purple. Let me say, that play was great… very entertaining. The actors & actresses were great and the storyline was good ( a little different from the movie towards the end) but still good… overall I truly enjoyed myself… even though I could barely walk cause my feet were killing me… but even thru all the pain, I managed to get dressed to go out afterwards and even had the nerve to put on some heels… talk about some serious pain, but after a drink or two, I was feeling better… checked out a few lounges, ended up on some spot on 15th & 9th street uptown… met up with my cousin there, who lives in NY… the place was cool…meet a cute guy there, he’s not a true New Yorker, but we’ll call him New Yorker … actually the guy reminded me of a guy that I went to college with… it was a nice ego boost, cause I have to admit i was checking dude out, cause he definitely had a cute smile and all... anyways, New Yorker pulled me to the side before I left and gave me his phone number… I haven’t called him yet but I probably will this evening… (I forgot my charger, so by Sunday morning, my phone was completely dead)… I didn’t get to go shopping cause traffic was crazy on Sunday, so we just decided to head back to Bmore… but all in all, it was a great trip…

I definitely need to go to NY again soon… had so many people I have to visit there, aside from New Yorker, I have a bunch of friends and family that stay in NY and I’ve just never made the time to go visit them… but after such a good weekend, I definitely plan on making that trip again soon…

Ok, so I’m going to learn how to swim this evening, one of the personal trainers at Bally’s is suppose to teach me… I need to learn to swim cause I want to sign up for a triathlon… no I’m not crazy, but I’m already in shape, might as well keep it up and cross off some of the things off my list of “To-Do” things in life…

btw... i see IN (my gym guy) tonight... today is his last final for the semester, so hopefully he'll be more attentive now... but i guess we'll have to wait and see... unfortunately, I'm not sure I'm still as attracted to him as I was before... but maybe he can change my mind about that...

TGIF... NY for the weekend

Its finally Friday… well, JB leave today… saw JB on Wednesday evening… actually I went to his house to go see his little brother, cause his little brother left for Naija last night (side note… I’m close to all the entire the family, all the siblings and their parents as well, so a lot of time I’m just there chilling with anyone of them, usually JB, but often times his brothers….) Anyways, JB got to the house about an hour or so after I had been there, we talked for a bit, but I was heading out cause I had stuff to do… and on my way out he says, so I’ll see you tomorrow… and I’m like y, he goes cause I’m leaving Friday … now we hadn’t talked about me seeing him b4 he left for Nigeria but I guess he assumed that I was planning on seeing him before he left on Friday, I told him to call me and we’d figure it out… needless to say, I didn’t see him yesterday, cause by the time I called him he was getting ready to leave his house and so he was like well I see you tomorrow before I leave… and I told him I had to go to work and most likely not, he was like well I’ll call you and we can figure something out, see you tomorrow…
I do want to see him, but then I don’t at the same time cause when I see him and I’m with him, it makes me want to be with him… so I figure that if I don’t see him then maybe I can get my feeling straightened out… but I guess seeing him before his trip wouldn’t be a big deal since he’ll be gone for a month and I’ll have time to work things thru in my head… all this confusion is part of the reason why I haven’t really approached JB bout out situation, cause I’m not sure what it is I want from him exactly…

Going to NY on Saturday after I finish running, going to go see the Color Purple on Broadway on Saturday evening with my sisters and some friends… then we’re gonna do some shopping on Sunday and head home Sunday afternoon… haven’t been to NY in a while, so I’m excited…

Tomorrow running 20 miles… I’m excited and scared at the same time… its gonna be a challenge but I welcome it with open arms…


10 days to Christmas!!!!
Although I’m bitter about not going to Nigeria for Christmas, I have to admit that my Christmas and New years events in the states are always a lot of fun… so I’m excited about the holiday season… all of my siblings are older so they don’t get as excited about Christmas, but my little nephew is old enough to really enjoy Christmas, so I look forward to spoiling him this Christmas… seeing him open gifts and get all excited… bringing back all the good memories of Christmas that I had as a child… and of course taking some days off of work will be nice…

Have a great weekend all…

being friends with your ex...

My ex-boyfriend from London, L, called me yesterday… L and I are still good friends, we talk occasionally and email frequently, but still just friends… (side note: at one point in my life L was the guy I thought I would marry and live happily ever after with, but that didn’t happen… if you want the whole story, read part II of this post) anyways, L called my yesterday and it threw me off cause it was so unexpected, we were actually in the middle of emailing each other and I was responding to his email when he called… it was so nice to hear his voice, I hadn’t talked to him over the phone in some time, so it was really good to hear his voice… said he had been thinking bout me over the weekend…

Anyways, this leads me to wonder why some people say you can’t be friends with people you’ve dated… and while I agree to an extent… I’m actually friends with most of the people I’ve ever dated, seriously or otherwise… not the best of friends with all of them, but definitely cordial with them all… but really good friends with some of them as well, like L… now I know that for some people its impossible, but for me… I need my space and time before we can be friends, and the friendship has to be on my terms at first until we’re both comfortable, but for me its hard to cut someone out of my life completely especially if its someone that I truly love/loved… (Now, that doesn’t mean that I won’t do it, I actually do that more often than I’d like to, but that’s a story for another day)… there is only one person in my past that I’m not cordial with… that’s CG, fortunate for me, we haven’t ran into each yet since we went our separate ways… but that has a lot to do with the fact that we hang out in different places and I’ve been training so hard for the marathon that I haven’t been going out as much and so on (which is weird, since we have A LOT of mutual friends)
I know a lot of guys try to keep things civil or at least cordial between them as their ex just so that they can still have an opportunity with her in the future, where as I personally do it because I cared for the person at one time, and I still care for them as a human being even if its not in the same capacity as it was before and also, the Nigerian circle is so small, you know who knows who, who’s related to who and who you may run into in the future… if I begin to tell you the tails of the circles in Baltimore and Maryland, you’d would think we were crazy here… anyways, while CG and I no longer speak and as far as I am concerned are no longer even associates, if I ever ran into CG, I would do my absolute best to be cordial cause that’s just me…

If things work out the way I hope and I get to re-locate to London next year, I’m gonna need some assistance from my family and my friends… mainly my ex, L… why mainly him, well the time period I want to move, my cousins will be planning to get married and will be in Nigeria and L is the only other person that would be in the right area and available to assist me…. And also because even after we stopped dating and he needed some help when he was in the stated for an extended period of time, I was more than willing to help him because I cared about his well being… I’m glad that me and him worked things out and are able to be such good friends, cause if we didn’t, my transition to London would probably be very difficult… anyways, its situations like that that make me glad that I am the way I am and that I try to stay cordial with people and not burn bridges with them… while L and I have been through a lot together and are great friends, I know there are some things in my life L would have issues with despite the fact that we are friends… and probably vice versa… but I’m not planning on dealing with that stuff until it comes up or its absolutely necessary…

On a completely different note… I just got off the phone with my brother… he’s getting ready to leave for Nigeria in 5 hours… I am so jealous!!! Here I am at work slaving away (ok, not exactly slaving away) and he’s getting ready to go to the airport and go on vacation… and not to mention that JB is going to Nigeria as well… and when I talked to L yesterday I found out he was going as well… BITTER… I’m just bitter, I knew I wouldn’t be going this year, the moment I signed up for my marathon (can’t miss training this close to the event… 6 weeks away), but still its really hitting me hard now that all my friends are packing up their stuff and getting ready to leave for Naija… I do want to see L… it would be great, he said he assumed I was going, whereas I assumed he wasn’t going… either way we were both wrong… ( btw, did I ever mention that JB is not too thrilled at the fact that I still talk to L on a regular basis, but that’s not my problem… JB was well aware of things before he made his first move on me a year and a half ago…) To be honest, I do want to go to Naija… I want to see L… I want to see my cousins… I want to party like crazy… I want to be lazy for a few weeks… and just enjoy my life… better believe I’ll be there next Christmas…

the weekend... it was cool

The weekend was quite interesting… I went out to dinner with IN on Friday evening after my workout, it was a last minute thing… but it was cool having dinner with him… gave us a chance to really talk outside of the gym… After I left the gym, went home and freshened up and went to go hang out with JB… when I got to JB’s house, both of his brothers were around and I hadn’t seen them in a while (which is odd, cause I literally live 5 minutes away from them)… anyways, it was good seeing them, and then I went upstairs to JB’s room and he was packing to go to Nigeria… I’m gonna miss him, he’s gonna be away for about3 and a half weeks… we hadn’t seen in each other in about a week or so, but I still missed him in that short amount of time… JB and I was were laying down and talking about the future (not our future together, just the future in general)… he’s planning on going to school next year and we’ve been talking about it for a while and he’s seriously considering going to London as well (I’m applying to school in London, trying to make that move abroad for a little bit) and I got really excited… it would be so great if he moved to London as well… I’d have both of my best buds with me (both being JB and my girl, AB… she’s trying to move to London as well next year…) anyways, I know you can’t plan your life around other people’s lives, but it would work out so well if all of us ended up in London next year… anyways, I ended up staying at JB’s house til after 2am, I actually feel asleep in his arms and he just let me sleep… but then I finally woke up and when I realized how late it was I headed out (and normally it wouldn’t be a big deal, I would have stayed the night, but I had to be up at 7:30am to go run 9 miles, so you see I needed to get a decent amount of sleep)… needless to say, I was tired as heck the next morning when I was running, but I got thru it…

Sunday, I was suppose to go to dinner with one of my friends, OC (side note: OC is this guy I met like last year, we talked briefly then ended up just being friends, he’s a year older than me, but I don’t really see myself in a relationship with him, but we’re still cool)… I ended up bailing on him, but I did end up hanging out with my friend, SS … SS and I got a chance to really talk about some things that have been on my mind lately and while I’ve been so stressed with life… SS is a good friend and it was good to just be completely honest with him and have him give me feedback… he said a lot of things that were true and that I needed to hear… anyways, to wrap it up, he said that just cause my life plan is not going exactly as I planned it to, doesn’t mean that I’m not on the right track and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and that I shouldn’t stay too long in the same place trying to figure out the impossible…. anyways, I hung out with him and it was cool…


I’m going to move next year… I have the support of my family and I’m looking for every opportunity possible (so incase you know anyone in London that works for an IT firm or is in an IT position, that can pass my resume along… lemme know)… I do feel a little more at peace with the direction of my life, cause I’m working towards a goal now and that makes me feel at ease…

Btw… check out this article I thought it was interesting: http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/Dating/ArticleIV2.aspx?cp-documentid=1286684>1=8881&wa=wsignin1.0

I just don't know...

I often hesitate to blog about my friend, JB… I’ve mentioned him briefly in previous posts, but nothing to detailed for various reasons… JB and I go back… a few years back… he actually was my ex-boyfriend’s, TO, best friend… anyways, me and JB met thru my boyfriend at the time TO… TO and I dated for a while, but eventually broke up (you may remember TO from this post about my first loves)… anyways, TO and JB kinda went their separate ways as well, TO was on some crazy stuvs that no one else was really feeling… anyways, JB and I remained friends, and as time went on we became very good friends… the best of friends actually… he became my male best friend… he knew almost everything about me from who I as dating to the small details of my daily schedule and it was vice versa for me too… I knew about all his girls and so on… he was that person I turned when I had guy questions and that so on…
One day a year and a half ago at a small get together of friends, JB kissed me… it was just a friendly peck on the lips… actually it was quite innocent. And then we were all outside getting ready to leave and get in our cars when JB came over and gave me a real kiss… it kind threw me off… anyways, after that JB and I started hanging out even more and one thing led to another and we were definitely doing our thing, but we both knew that we were just having a good time… after a few months, I started talking to a new guy and around this time last year I told JB that we should go back to just being friends and nothing more, cause I wanted to being a monogamous relationship with the I just started dating… besides I felt like I had gotten too comfortable with JB and knowing that he was always there, it alleviated the nee to go out and find myself a good guy or a boyfriend… anyways, that was the end of that with me and JB… we were still friends, but obviously not as tight as before (as he later revealed to me thru conversation, it was an ego thing… the guy wants to be the one that breaks it off) … anyways, me and JB still were cool, but not the best of friends as before, there was even a point where I wasn’t telling him who I was talking to or dating cause his comments/actions weren’t always favorable towards the person I was dating… but recently in the last couple of months JB and I have been hanging out more and I feel like our friendship is getting back to being as close as it was… we still discuss a lot of things between us… the stuff I tell him I’d never tell most people and even the things I ask him about I’d never ask most people, but we have that comfort thing…
And in the last couple of weeks, he’s been very suggestive about what he wants and why aren’t we chilling like we use to… when I go to his place and hang out and chill, it just feels so natural for him to give me that kiss when he see me… or for him to hold me when we’re watching tv, or just to goof around with him cause he makes me laugh… And well, to tell you the truth, lately he’s been on my mind A LOT… I keep thinking why can’t we just go back and be like we use to be last year, things were really good with me and him doing our thing… and yesterday after church he says to me “I’m really feeling your look… you’d look really good by my side”… and when we talked later yesterday evening, it was more of that and well I know its obvious that we both have our minds in the same place, but then I know JB better than he thinks, he’s not ready for a steady relationship (I know his track record) and well to be honest I don’t know if he truly wants anything as serious as an exclusive relationship with me… which leads me to another thing, one of the other reasons that I stopped being more than just friends with him last year was because I started to catch feelings and really like him, like… like him like him, and although some of the things he says lead me to think he may feel that way now, I don’t know if I’m ready to take that chance…

Anyways, all this has been on my mind for a few weeks… and then there’s IN (my gym guy)… he doesn’t realize that the reason I told him that I had a short attention span and that he needed to step up his game was because I have been seriously thinking about JB and going back to being more than friend with him (and yeah I know the term ‘more than friends’ is not a real term, but what JB and I have is more than friends with benefits, but not exactly an exclusive relationship, hence the reason I use the term, more than friends)… and well IN had a really decent chance of being enough to stop me from going back to chilling with JB cause I was truly interested in him (IN), but my interest has started to wane because of him not stepping up his game… its not my style to chase guys, I just don’t do it… it’s the male’s responsibility and while IN is not doing what he needs to do to get my attention, JB is… JB is doing exactly when he needs to do to get my attention again, and I must admit he’s (JB) is doing a very good job of getting my attention…