That’s what me and New Yorker are doing… we’re running… and we’re running at a pace too fast for me… Lemme explain… in my last post just a few days ago I was talking about how New Yorker wanted an open relationship and that I was cool with it for now since we were just getting to know each other and there was no need to rush into anything… well, New Yorker and I have spent a lot of time talking the last couple of days/weeks… I mean we have these marathon phone sessions where we’re on the phone for like 4, 6, 8 hours… yeah I know its crazy, what the heck do we have to talk about for that long, each day… I dunno honestly, it just happens… what I expect to be a quick call to say what’s up turns into a couple of hours… now I dunno know how or exactly when we got to the place where we’re at, but he’s seriously considering being in a committed relationship with me and only me… and that scares the living day lights out of me… he started making small comments about the future and me and him (which he calls an ‘us’ now…) and I caught all the small comments and thought they were cute (still do)… but I guess I didn’t realize that he was really taking things seriously… these commitment comments coming from a man that has had open relationships that have last for more than 2 years (really, an open relationship for 2 years where he saw other people…) so imagine my surprise when yesterday he started seriously talking about me and him committing to one another… now, I’ll be the first to say it (incase you haven’t already figure it out)… I have commitment issues… things that I am currently dealing with… we’ll get back to my commitment issues in a minute… I guess I kinda saw things leading towards this direction, but I didn’t expect this to happen so quickly, cause I knew (or at least I thought I did) that he would be content having an open relationship for now and that maybe in the future if things are going good, we could take it from there…
Ok, New Yorker and I haven’t seen each other since we met a few weeks ago, but we’ve been inseparable on the phone… we’ve gotten to talk about so many things and get to know each other… but the fact remains, what if we don’t click when we’re together… maybe its just good now cause we’re only talk on the phone, what if its different when we are together…. That a major concern that we both have, which we discussed last night… said he couldn’t imagine us not clicking when we see each other and start hanging out, since we clicked the first time we met… and I agree with him, but its still a very valid issue… and well, if we don’t click, what’s his resolution… he says ‘we’ll just be that couple that argues all the time (the couple that cares a lot for each other but clashes)’… hmmm, we’ll have to wait to see how that turns out… I’m suppose to head out to New York on Saturday afternoon after my 23 mile run, cause my friends are having a party and me and my girls wanna go…. He’s really excited about me coming up to NY and so am I… I can’t wait to him… anyways, yesterday was just crazy we started talking around 4 o’clock and didn’t get of the phone til half past midnight… And I was dreading coming to work, especially since I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to him as much… and he did the sweetest thing this morning… he woke up at like 6 something this morning to text me to make sure I was up…
I don’t understand y he wants to be in a committed relationship already… I told him that all of this was making me nervous, which is the truth… that we needed to take a couple of steps back and slow it down… we should see how things go this weekend before making wedding plans… and wedding plans… yeah I know he was joking when he was talking about ‘our’ wedding plans… but there a bit of truth to every joke and I just can’t plan that far in advance yet… my walls are still up, pretty high and we have a looooooong ways to go before making any types of plans like that… I know it seems like I’m rambling, but I’m just so perplexed about everything… My commitment issues stem from my past experiences… and there are some things that I haven’t quite let go of yet that I’m still working on… we talked about my commitment issues and his commitment issues (cause he definitely has some as well)… I told him that I don’t have a problem once I’ve made a commitment to someone, my problems is getting to the point of making the commitment… getting to the point of making the commitment means I have to trust you, and that’s hard… really hard for me to do…
There are many other issues to come to my mind with my current situation… but right now, all I can only focus on is seeing him on Saturday and seeing where things go from there… but with everything that's going on in my head and me over analyzing everything like i do, the one thing that scares me the most is that everything with him feels so right... it just does...
With all this going on in my head, almost forgot to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
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5 comments:
wow ... what to say to all of that ... that fab word trust... i read your blog and im like damn ... she has got to be my twin ... i keep thinkin nothin has gone right in the past so why should this ... something is bound to go wrong ... i fight with that voice everyday ... and yet i know how i feel ... and boy that is irreplacable ...too bad we cant go on feelins alone huh?
WOW...first I think this is my first time by and I must admit that I know where you're coming from. You just have to do because sometimes doing without thinking helps you to find things that you never thought you could find or would find. Sometimes you just have to BE. Because when you think you expect things to go wrong therefore creating the wrong that occurs...you wait for negativity and that's what you get....I try to not seek that out but sometimes just being human means it's gonna happen and being female means we always think he has an agenda...but at least you know you have a commitment issue and you're admiting it...if he knows that then he'll let you take your time and commit when you're ready :)
Hope you had a wonderful New years!!
@AI... girl, we always seem to see eye to eye on so many things... i feel the eaxct same way, that something is bound to mess things up... but i'm trying to stay positive and enjoy the ride for now, cause this feeling is irreplacable
@ Honey Libra... thanks for coming thru... I definitely agree with u, i'm gonna try to stay positive...told New Yorker about your comment (didn't tell him I had a blog or anything like that) and he was like he agrees with the advice...
I'ma tell you why this is so crazy...I was JUST reading this book called The Questions 2 Ask Before U Jump Into Bed...and theres a section about moving too fast. It says that "it takes 6 months to see if someone's actions are consistent with their words." And I think that's esp true if you guys dont physically spend much time. I been there...and in hindsight I should have tried to figure out WHY dude was becoming so attached to me and vice versa...
I say all that to say have fun! lol You 2 have an obvious attachment...so enjoy it and see if it develops into greater substance. Keep us posted!
@Overwhelmed... yeah, apparently things are changing pretty fast with me theses days... me and New Yorker have seen each other before... but only once, the nite we met... but we did get a chance to hang out for a little bit and we've been 'talking' since then...
@So Wise... I may need to pick up that book... I can't seem to understand y he's become to attached to me in particular... cause he use to having open relationships in the past... I do know y i am attached to him though... i am gonna try to be careful and definitely slow things down...
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