finding the right spot...

So… the next couple of weeks are gonna be fun… at least I hope so, I’m on a mission to get into some London’s hottest night clubs and find my new hangout spot… I’ve narrowed my list down to 12 places that I must visit before the summer ends… now that may seem like a long time, but the issue is that several of them are known for particular days, there are about 4 or 5 that great on Saturday… and 4 that are great on Friday nights, and the other are random days of the week or special event type places… and I seriously doubt that I will be going over EVERY Friday and Saturday… to be more realistic, I’ll probably go out once during the week and either on Friday or Saturday night (unless I have friends visiting, then its every night they’re in town for :-))… and its starting this weekend… heading out to check this club that my ex, L, told me about a while ago… since I’m on the topic of L (ok, not really a smooth transition, but whatever… btw, ‘But Whatever’ is my new saying… when I’m done with something or tired of dealing with it, I say my peace and end it with ‘but whatever’… ) ok, anyways, back to L… L’s in Nigeria for about a week and a half and well I miss him… not miss him like that, but miss him in the sense that he’s my email buddy, always has been for years ever since we dated back in 2004… its always a nice distraction when I’m emailing L… and my other recent email buddy is between contract jobs, so I can’t email him all days and expect him to sit in from of his computer at home for the sole purpose of replying to me email (I mean I could expect that, but I have a feeling I would be disappointed cause I doubt he’d do it… lol)… anyways, since he’s been going for a week, I’ve emailed him a fews, the first two times was cause I forget he wasn’t around and was wondering why I didn’t see him church and to find out why he hadn’t emailed me… anyways, I realized that when he moves to Nigeria at the end of the year, chances are he probably won’t be my number one email buddy again, unless he gets a good IT job in Nigeria which will allow him to sit in front of the computer and still email me (that would be ideal for me!) otherwise I’ll have to get a new email buddy… I mean I could just walk around the office, but that obviously says ‘I’m not working’ where as emailing people all day can make you appear as though you are working diligently at your desk… well expect for the random burst of laughter that I am prone to having… my email buddies send me the most random and funny things… and my email buddies in the states are 5 hours behind, so that leaves me bored all morning (now that L isn’t around and my other email buddy in London isn’t working at the moment)… I know, I could just do some work to make the time pass by… but Y would I do that??? no, but seriously I actually get a lot of work done between my emails… its amazing how I can multitask when I need to, but some how be completely clueless of my multitasking skills when its not an urgent or relevant matter…

Anyways, I’m rambling… back to my search for the right hangout spot… as I said it starts tonight, and although its raining quite hard at the moment as I look out the window, I don’t care… the rain can’t stop me J… besides, I’ve managed to stay in a good mood despite the fact that I only managed to get about 5 hours of sleep last night cause I went out and about… there’s still something about walking thru Piccadilly circus and Leicester Square at night time with all the lights and people around that fascinates me…. I’m off to focus for these last couple of hours at work before I go running out the door to find a killer outfit for tonight :-) …

I'm Good

Parade of pity… well no thanks… every time someone asks me, oh how’s TA doing, hope things are going well with you two and then I respond, oh we’ve gone our separate ways, they always say sorry or I’m sure you’ll find someone else and so on and so on… and I reply, no need to be sorry, I’m not… I’m not looking for a pity party, by all means I’ve had my fair share of break up and pity parties (which I normally welcomes to get my mind off things), but this time around, no thanks… I don’t need or want a pity party cause I think that things worked out the way they were suppose to and I have no regrets… I’ve been meeting so many new people lately and making time to hang out with the friends that I had slowly abandoned once I got into my relationship with TA… not typically me, but I was just got sucked into the relationship, which I guess should have been another sign… anyways, I’ve been to a few new places that I’d never even heard of, and probably wouldn’t have ever had a chance to go to in my previous situation…. Now TA and I didn’t end on the best of terms, actually we were both a bit upset, but there’s nothing I can do about that now… and while I’m good (as Kanye would say), I’m not going to pretend that my entire relationship with TA was bad or horrible, that would be a straight up lie… obviously there were enough good times, hence the reason we were together… and granted I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since we split, but I’m sure the day will come when we’ll run into each other… and when that time comes, I hope we can smile and chat like friends do, but if not then I at least hope that we can exchange pleasantries and then go out separate ways with no unnecessary drama… I honestly would like to be friends with TA, but I doubt he’d go for that… especially not now… maybe in the future… either way, I don’t like burning bridges, and as I said there were plenty of things about TA that I fancied so I’m not going to be bad mouthing him, despite some of the very unpleasant things that he did… aside from that I felt like we had built a good friendship with our relationship, so maybe one day we can be friends again, but til then I’m good… at the same time I’m not gonna deny that some times, random things remind me of him or that I don’t think about him, especially when I lay my head down to go to sleep at night, that he doesn’t cross my mind, but for me I expected that, what I didn’t expect was that it doesn’t make me cry… I would have normally expected a tear or two, but I’ve got nothing, which if nothing else is a self check that I made the best decision for me at the time…


Last night I when to a Soca club in central London… the music was great, the dancing was energetic and amazing and I just had a really good time… hadn’t danced like that in ages and it felt good to just go out dancing with some friends… not looking for a man or anything of the sort, just hanging with the girls and having a good night… and while I had a great time, I sure did regret it this morning when my alarm went off at 6:45am and I had to get up for work after like 4 hours of sleep…. I am on my second cup of coffee and its not even 10am yet… going out again to night with a different friend, going to get some drinks and then heading into the city to see what’s happening…

Life goes on and I only have two options… sit back and regret over what’s happened and let life pass me by or get on with my life knowing that I did what I thought was best for me… well if you can’t tell, I’m getting on with life and enjoying myself in London… so one of my friends is coming to visit from April 7th til the 16th, then I’m leaving with her and going to the states on the 16th til the 25th, then one of my best buddies is coming to visit from April 30th til the 5th of May, then my sister and her friend come at the end of May… even if I wanted to be sad, I don’t have the time, between making new friends, catching up with old ones, having my friends and sister coming to visit me, school, my new job (I’ll write more about my new job later) and exploring the social scene in London… so as I said.. I’m good

Its all over...

Hmmm... Easter weekend was great... 4 days of relaxing and chilling, couldn't have asked for a better weekend... except for having to do some work for school...

Btw, TA and I broke up, we've gone our seperate ways... so hence the title of my entry... its all over now... crazy thing is that i'm okay with this decision, at least i am for now... let's see how i'm holding up in a week... but i have a very sneaky suspicion that i'll be doing just fine :-)... besides, I know that everything happens for a reason, whether I understand the reason or not...

friends with an ex...

Friends with the ex… it is possible… at least I think it, actually I don’t think it is, I know it is… I’m friends with most if not all of my exs… the thing for me is that an ex usually get to know me and understands me, so its earlier for me to ask them questions that I can’t ask a close female friend cause they don’t have the same experiences with me and an ex would… like for example, my friends think that I am very outgoing and friendly, whereas my exs tend to think I am flirtatious (and maybe I am), but the perspective is different when it comes from someone you’ve dated in the past… some of my exs turn out to be some of my really good friends simply because they already know me so well and I feel comfortable with turning to them for advice… and in return, my exs know that they can turn to me for advice or whatever cause I know them and can give them my honest opinion because we have a caring, honest, direct and straight forward attitude with one another…

anyways, I’ve always managed to be friends, or at least on good terms, with every guys that I’ve dated in the past, I don’t like burning bridges and obviously I liked you the guy at one point and there was a reason we dated and simply because we decided to go our separate ways doesn’t mean that I still don’t like or appreciate the guy as a person or as a friend… depending on how long you’ve been following my blog, you know that I have an ex in London, L… L and I dated years ago, and since we parted ways we’ve managed to become friends, very good friends… but lets be clear, we’ve friends and nothing more, we’ve never crossed that line since we broke up years ago, we’ve had our opportunities in the past (before I moved to London), but I think we’re both ok with just being friends… anyways, I was talking to a male friend yesterday and he said that type of relationship with my ex would make him a bit uncomfortable especially seeing that L and I didn’t break up on bad terms or over cheating or anything of that sort… and while I do understand his point of view, I still don’t see anything wrong with me and L being friends… I’m not the cheating type and neither is L (as he has a girlfriend, who I think he will probably marry, as they are quite happy together)… so I don’t see the issue… but to be fair, if I was on the other side of the situation and my boyfriend was really good friend with an ex, then I’d probably be a bit worried/jealous, but if I felt I could trust my man, then I’d eventually get over it… or at least I hope I would get over it…

I still talk to like 1 or 2 of my exs on a regular basis, for no other reason than just calling to say hello and see how they’re doing and vice versa… a lot of times, I forget the fact that I’ve dated them and just consider them as my friend and not as an ex… I must also mention that my exs do know that I don’t like to double dip, meaning that once I’ve parted ways with someone I usually don’t tend to attempt to make it work a second time (especially if the reason for us breaking up is a reason that’s unfixable, such as cheating or whatever it may be)… I dunno, I just want to get the thoughts of other people of this subject, my friends (my 2 girls that I always hung out with back in the states) always found it odd that I was able to remain such good friends with my exs, hang out with them and just carry on with a normal friendship with them and have them support me and vice versa… I don’t think it’s odd at all, but that’s just me…

Yes, I’m still alive… sorry for the disappearing act… for some reason, I feel like I’ve been apologizing on my blog a lot lately… I’m sure that has to do with the fact that I keep disappearing for weeks at a time… well, school is going as usual… sometimes I really wonder why I decided to go back to school…. who needs another degree? then sometimes I think about going back to get an MBA in the future, then I remind myself how miserable I am at times with school, so I’m pretty sure this is gonna be my last degree… Well, work is there… its work… I’m currently looking for something else cause I’m not happy where I’m at, so I hope everything works out and I can move somewhere better than I currently am… my family… I miss them, not as much as I use to, guess I’m not feeling as homesick as I use to feel, but every now and then I really miss them… talked to my nephew this weekend, he’s three years old, he’s fully of energy, spoilt and just the most adorable human being I’ve very seen, and I called him and he’s like ‘Hi DD, I miss you’… and nothing else made me more homesick than that, I miss playing with both my nephews and my niece… but I’m heading home in April and I can’t wait… gonna buy my ticket this week, once I get paid…

TA… hmmm, where do I start… I dunno about him, that’s all I’ve got to say… its weird actually, cuz the less he’s around, the less I want him around, but on the other hand the more he’s around and the more time I spend with him the more I want him around… does that make any sense at all, I guess I just have one of my moments sometimes… I do care about him a lot and I know he cares about me as well… I’m taking things one day at a time, that’s all I can do… but what I’ve come to realize lately is that he can predict me, just as much as I can predict him… which I think is quite interesting, cause that means he pays attention enough to know how I’m gonna react to things… I can’t wait til the weather gets better so we (TA and I) can go out and do things outside (yes, I know that’s random, but the weather in London sucks, and I’m not about to start walking to the train station in the rain or etc… besides a lot of the things I want to do can only be done in decent weather, like going for a walk in the park, or going to local markets, doing some tourist stuff and so on)… which leads me to another point, how do people stand the weather here... its just ridiculous... I woke up this morning afraid to leave my flat (apartment) cause it was so windy, cold and rainy, i honestly just wanted to cuddle under my duvet for the day... where is Spring already?!?! and apparently last year, summer only lasted for about 2 weeks!!! oh that better not be the case this year cause I'm looking forward to a nice summer with warm sunny days!!!

anyways, i hope everyone has a good week... cheers :-)...

Catching up with Miss DD

So I’ve been MIA for a few reasons… work is killing me slowly (but that should end soon, as I am looking to move on to a better job soon). grad school is starting to take it toll on me, I’ve got this horrible cold/flu which sucks, I’ve been getting back headaches lately, and for a change, TA, hasn’t been stressing me out… I know it’s a bit delayed… but my V-days was really nice… TA come over in the early evening and we spend the evening at my place, we ate, we drank and we talked for hours and hours… it was a nice way to end a stressful weekend, cause the days leading up to V-day weren’t so rosy, but we sorted ourselves out and have a great evening together… Things with TA in general have been going well… I feel like we’re both, or at least I am, trying to see the direction in which things are going with us… just trying to get a feel about my own thoughts of TA and I and the future in general…
Other than that, I’ve been on a mad hunt to find a new job, the project manager and immediate supervisor are probably the worst set of supervisors that I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a few different types… anyways, I dunno if its the culture difference or what, but I can’t deal with them anymore… the funny thing is that as human being, they’re both perfectly fine and I can tolerate them, I can even go as far as saying I can enjoy their company, but when it comes to the project we’re working on, its unbearable for me, and I hate to take the easy way out, but I’m heading towards the door… and I’m not sure if they know it… I would hate for it to be a surprise, but I just can’t deal with it anymore and the situation is just getting worse for me… and well, I gotta do what’s best for me… Just started working on the dissertation for my master’s program… after waiting til the last possible moment to decide on a top, I choose something that seems vaguely interesting and wrote my proposal about… and not I’m waiting to hear about my program director as to whether my topic has been approved or if I have to go back to the drawing board!
I’m still running, I manage to run about 3 miles about 3 to 4 times a week… did I mention I have plans to go to Spain in Earyl-April, and I plan to be laying out on the beach… My cousin goes to grad school in Spain and he's having a party for his girlfriend, so why not go and help them celebrate :-).... so anyways, I need to get myself together so that I can walk on that beach confidently…

random drive by posting...

its random... its quick... and its senseless (that's the purpose of the title of this post)...

things r good... surprising Valentine's day was good... TA is well, things with him are still going... Work is killing me slowly... school is ok, it'd be better if i stopped procastinating on doing my assignments... you'd think i would have learned by now, but not yet... I'm still just as much of the procastinator as I've ever been...

gotta run, but i will put in a proper post this weekend about what's been going... and so on and so on...

hope everyone is good...

DD

running... thru my mind...

So I went running on Saturday morning… it was such a beautiful day and I was trying to get myself exercising again… so me being me, I pushed myself and ran roughly a little over 3 miles… well, let’s just say it was quite difficult getting out of bed on Sunday morning, which I expected… but then when I rolled over this morning, it was even harder to get out of bed… but seeing at though I had to go to work and I couldn’t call out cause of a few sore muscles, I managed to roll myself out of bed… I’m went running again last night after work and I’m going again this evening… and while I’m looking forward to the exercise, I know it’s going to be torture cause all my muscles are still sore, but I know if I don’t get back out there soon, I won’t be motivated to go again for a while… so wish me luck, and if u don’t hear from me it cause I’m in too much pain to type…
other than that, I had a nice weekend for the most part… just tried to relax and chill… nothing too exciting… I was meant to start working on my proposal for my final project for my masters, and I tried… but being the procrastinator that I am, I found every excuse to do something else but sit down and write my proposal… the other issue is, that well I have NO IDEA about what I want my final project to be on… and did I mention my proposal is due in a week… don’t worry, I’ll get it sorted out (I hope)… I’ll work on it this week and upcoming weekend, well I don’t have a choice since its due next Monday…

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately… especially with the whole going with the flow post I made last week… I’m feeling unsure about some things and I personally don’t like that feeling… i want one of those people that like to be in control, that like to know what’s going on and being in a state of limbo is not an ideal position for me… I was talking to one of my good friends, one of the few people I confide in (other than all my blog readers) and we were talking about relationships in general and valentine’s day coming up and so on and so on… and she asked me a random question, she just said do I think TA sacrifices or compromises to meet my needs as much as I do to meet his needs… and of course my initial reaction was to say of course he does, he really cares about me… but I thought for a second and I couldn’t give her a straight forward easy answer… the truth is I don’t think that he does, at least not in the traditional way… I know TA is an individual and he’s a complex one at that (even though he thinks he’s not complicated)… and I know he does try and that sometimes, just sometimes, he does his best… and there’s this old quote that I love that says, just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they’re not loving you the best that they can… and I try to keep that in mind at times, but on the flip side, I don’t know if I can be happy if I don’t have someone to love me the way I need to be loved…. I hope that makes some sense… anyways, Valentine’s day is just a few days away… and I know its not really a big deal, but I really hope he does something nice… to tell you the truth, a card, flowers and a quite evening at home together would be all that it takes to make me happy… I’m ok not going out to dinner, cause I do that with my friends all the time and he’s not a big fan of going out to dinner and that’s fine… I used to say that I demand a lot, but I’ve come to the realization that I don’t really demand that much and it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy in a relationship, but because I’ve always had the impression that I demanded a lot I tend to hold back on asking for a lot (relationship wise), but I realized that because I didn’t demand a lot in a relationship, I got even less… and once you’ve started a pattern with someone its hard to change it…

Anyways, we’ll see what happens v-day… TA says he’s spending the day/evening with his boys and not me… I think he’s just messing with me, but only time will tell… so we shall see…

Going with the flow…

Have you ever felt like sometimes you just wanted to go with the flow… and sometimes that’s cool… but exactly when do u stop going with the flow of life and decide exactly what you want for yourself… if you go with the flow, you’re just accepting things as they come, instead of going after the things in life that you truly want and need… same thing with relationships, exactly how long can you go with the flow of things before either rocking the boat by asking what are we doing or where is this going… at the moment, I’m not ready to rock any boats, at least not in the relationship side of things, but I’m not sure if that’s cause I’m comfortable with continuing to go with the flow of things and just let things develop naturally with TA or because I’m not ready to ask those questions cause I’m scared of what the answers maybe… and that worries me… it worried me more before, but now I’m a bit more confident in the sense that even if I did ask those questions and I didn’t get the answers I wanted, truly I’d be disappointed but not devastated… I hope that makes some sense…

For me, I’ll go with the flow for a bit, just til I can decide what I really want or at least realize what I don’t want… that’s how I’ve always been… I don’t always know what I want, but I can usually detect what I don’t want and eliminate it as soon as I can, for me recognizing something I don’t want, helps me to get closer to realizing exactly what I do want… Sometimes I can get comfortable with things and sometimes change is a hassle that I can’t be bothered with, but I guess that’s human nature isn’t it… but I know that sometimes change is necessary, it pushed me to grow and try, it pushed me challenge myself…

"Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." ~Arthur Rubinstein

"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution." ~ Deepak Chopra

back in action... again...

yeah, I know I’ve been MIA again… but I’ve had some legitimate reasons… I moved again about a week and a half ago in to a 1bdrm flat (apartment)… 3 place in the 5 months that i've been in London... crazy right, but i think i've finally found the right place... and I’ve just been getting myself settled into my new place… to be completely honest, I do love my new place… everything about it feel right… when I wall through the door, it feels like home (at least my home away from home)… so aside from moving into a new place, what’s been going on with me… well I’m planning a small get together of some friend, a small house warming, this weekend coming up… nothing too big, just a few friends, some drinks, music and of course food… that should be fun, I am definitely looking forward to it! other than that…

hmmm… I’m sure you’re wondering about TA… what can I really say, other than I am taking things one day at a time with him… some days he makes me the happiest girl in the world :-), some days he really get under my skin and I’m irritated, but its only natural (there are very few people I think I like ALL the time, including myself)… but when I do look at the big picture, he makes me happy more times than not, so for now I’m just going with the flow, cause things are good… I notice that I am finding myself more and more comfortable around him, that he allows me to be silly and just be myself, without feeling like I have to be anything else, which is a great feeling… I think one of the things that I really appreciate most about TA is that we don’t have to always be talking when we’re together, in the sense that we could be chilling and watching tv or something for hours with very few words, but there’s no awkwardness, and then there are days that we can talk on and on forever into the wee hours of the early morning about any and everything as that feels so natural as well…
the other day I was sitting in a training course for work, and I guess I was day dreaming and I pictured this great future for TA and I… that scared me a lot… scared me cause I could actually see him in the future, but as I said I’m just taking it one day at a time… not rushing into anything, not jumping any steps or anything like that… the fact that that thought came in my head did make me a bit nervous though… but what can I really do about that… anyways, one day at a time…

well, I’ve been on my new BC pill for about 3 and a half weeks so far, and so far so good… my emotions are much much better, I still get emotional at times, but at a normal rate, not like before where I felt like I couldn’t control my emotions… I’ve noticed that my appetite does funny things though, I go for days without really wanting food, but then I go days where I’m craving different foods… its odd, but I’m hoping that that will eventually go away… and as u may have guess, I did jump on the scale just to make sure I wasn’t putting on any pounds… and boy was I relieved when I saw that the scale had actually gone down:-)!!! I haven't noticed any other major side affects either, so i'm praying that this one doesn't cause any other issues!!!

Anyways, can’t believe February is here already… shucks to tell you the truth, I’m still trying to get use to the idea that its 2008… time seems to be flying by… but I’m trying to enjoy it as it goes, but also make sure that I plan for the future…

finally, my 2008 goals...

Went to church on Sunday, and heard a very inspiring message… the message was about one’s hopes and desires and how to ensure they come true… the message emphasised on making goals that are realistic and attainable, assessing where you are and where you want to be and determining if you’re willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get to where you want to be… also, write your goals down so that you constantly know what you’re working towards… so I decided to do just that… write my goals downs, the things I wanted to do and accomplish this year… but not just lofty goals, but achievable and measurable goals… with measurable timelines...

New Years goals:

1. Lose 10 to 15 lbs by April 1st, but hopefully sooner.
2. Visit two places in Europe that I’ve never been to before
3. Complete my master’s program
4. Make more of a conscious effort to save (make at least one sizable deposit (hopefully more) into my saving account every month starting in February)
5. Learn to budget better… I can spend with the best of them, but as I get older I need to be more responsible… not to mention that now that I live on my own, I have my own ‘real’ bills to pay.
6. Payoff at least one credit card by June 1st

Update... I've been on the new BC pill for a week now... and so far so good... mood swings and irrational thinking (at least irrational for me) are gone... feeling more like myself, usual smile on my face, optimism is back and just better in general... thank goodness... let's just hope that things continue in this manner... its still early, but i'm hoping for the best...

its official... i'm not going crazy...

Its official… I’m NOT Crazy… YEAH!!! time to go celebrate…. ok, let me take a few steps back and explain before I start celebrating… I dunno if this has been apparent in my posts, but I’ve been overly emotional or over dramatic for the last couple of weeks… at first I thought maybe it was just the winter blues or maybe I was just feeling lonely from moving to London and so on and so on… I mean, I thought I was going crazy, having mood swing left and right, not to mention getting some acne which I don’t usual get… I managed to keep them mostly to myself, but I’m sure TA got some of the brunt of my mood swings… but only recently did I decide to reflect on all the changes that have happened in the last couple of months, all the issues I’ve dealt with and so on… and yesterday it clicked… I started taking BC pills (birth control pills) for the first time a few months ago, after I moved to London, and a few weeks after I started the mood swings started, the irrational thinking and so on… I really did think I was losing my mind… I even asked TA one day has he ever felt that he losing his mind or going crazy… that was the only way I could explain it… I know I am a sensitive person, but not an emotional person… if someone hurts my feelings; I’m not the type to show it especially not in public… I’d deal with it in private… but when I stated tearing up over stupid things and things of that sort, it took me a little by surprise, but I just though that maybe it was all apart of the changes that I had to deal with as I got older and mature… yeah right… I spent most of work yesterday doing research on the PC pill I was on and I found tons on information, especially stories from females who had experienced the things that I am going thru (oh, goodness… I’m tearing up again :-( )… luckily I had already schedule an appointment with to see my GP (doctor) for later in the evening and I thought I’d take this opportunity to discuss all of the issues and concerns I had about my health… imagine my relief when he told me that he seen this before and was more than happy to discuss the various options available… he switch me to a different BC that I started using today, he said that basically each person’s reaction to the BC depends on their individual body make up… if I start getting adverse side affects from this, I can try another BC, but if this new prescription doesn’t work, I’ll talk to my sisters to see what they use and if its working fine for them, I know it does depend on each person’s individual body, but since we’re related and genetically closer to each other, maybe what’s worked for them will work for me… who knows???

So, since I’ve move to the UK, I’ve had more health issues (in the past four and a half months) than I’ve had since… well never… the last time I had a health problem was over a year ago when I sprained my ankle while training for my marathon… but since I’ve been in London, its been one thing after the other, and while I know that TA is there for me and to support me, it makes me feel like a weak person cause of all the issues that I am having… I feel like its always one thing or the other with me and sometimes I just don’t want to tell him when or if something else comes up, cause one I don’t want to give him something else to worry about and two and I don’t want to feel like a liability to him (if that makes any sense at all)… besides I’m not use to leaning on people, I just handle things on my own and go on with life, that’s how I handle things… that usually works, at least it did when I was in the states cause I had some many people (friends and family) around and responsibilities to help me forget about what issue I was dealing with, so it was never necessary to actually tell other people or confide in other about issues, at least not all the time… but here, it’s a bit different... but i'm learning...

back to work... back to reality...

First day back at work… its takes me back of returning to school after Christmas vacation… I had the same feeling… tool forever just to get out of bed and get myself motivated… not very excited… once I got to work though, it wasn’t so bad, actually it wasn’t bad at all… its definitely good to see my co-workers… I actually like my co-workers, they are interesting people and they help the day pass by so much faster… always something interesting to chat about with them… and it was a nice surprise to have my new laptop waiting for me when I got to work today (I ordered it way back in October… talk about a delayed response time)… but its still work… to be honest, I like my job as well, not overly challenging, but not too dull either (most of the time at least)… I probably could be a better employee in a job that pushed me a lot and challenged me all the time, but I dunno if I could handle that ALL the time… so my current job suits me quite well, I’ve learned a lot since I’ve been working in this position, but as I said its not the most challenging job in the world… anyways, as I chatted with various people around the office, talking about the holiday and so on and so on…

This isn’t necessarily where I saw myself at 25… or in 2008… Not to say that I’m in a bad place or anything like that… I’ve done a lot for myself at my age, I have a good academic background and a good professional career… and yeah I am proud of my accomplishments, but still this just isn’t where I saw myself… well, you see I had my life planned out at 16, or at least I had my life planned out until I was 24… but nothing after that… I mean, I know I would get to 24 eventually and older, but I didn’t plan for it, like I planned for everything else so now I feel like I’m just going with the flow and not necessarily working towards anything in particular… I’m just waiting for the right thing or the right person that will show me the direction I should go in and that’s not how life should be… at least I don’t think that’s how it should be… I dunno where to begin… but this is going to be my year… so much potential that I’m not putting to good use… and I’m going to make a discerned effort to push myself more for the things that I want and need to make life more enjoyable… this is my year…

***I should have mentioned this earlier... but one of my uncles pasted away 2 days after Christmas... he was one of my uncles that lives here in England... although i've been in London for about 4 months, I hadn't made it to visit him cause he lives outside of London... now i wished i had taken the time to go and see him while he was still around... what makes me feel even worse is that a few days before Christmas he left me a voicemail, checking up on me, saying he hadn't heard from me lately and wanted to see if I was doing well... i told myself that I would call him before i left for the states, but i forgot, and i made a mental note that I would call him in the new year and go visit him... i guess i'll never get that chance, so that's been on my mind as well...

starting the new year on the right foot... hopefully...

I finally got back to London on Thursday morning… being at home was great… my holiday was great, I was a bit distracted, but in general it was a really good holiday… finally say TA yesterday (Saturday)… it was good to see him, I missed him while I was away… poor baby was sick most of the time I was in the states, he’s still a bit sick, but at least he’s getting better… it was really good to see him (yeah I know I said that already, but it was)… anyways, we spent a couple of hours talking about a bunch of different things… I enjoy his company, even when we’re just sitting around his flat and talking about nothing and everything… actually those are the moments I enjoy the most….

Anyways, back to work tomorrow… first day back to work in the new year… I like my job, but I’m not looking forward to getting up early and all the stress of work…

So I wanted to take a look back at 2007, to see what goals I set for myself and here they are:
My list of personal goals for 2007:
1. Lose these last 10/15 pounds that I’ve been playing with for a few months
2. Travel to 2 places I’ve never been (one being Atlanta - cause I’ve never been…)
3. Participate in another running event (Aside from my Marathon at the end of January)
4. Go back to school

I managed to do 3 out of the 4 goals I set for myself last year… guess which one will appear on my list again this year… well you’ll find out soon enough… I should finish my list of goals in the next couple of days or so…

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a great start to the year… as for me, I’m just taking it one day at a time…

celebrating a new year 2008....

Happy New Year...



I hope that everyone have a safe and fun New Years Eve.... I had a great New Years Eve, despite all of the things going thru my mind... Partied til 6 am, two of my really good friends came thru to hang out, one came fron NY and the other from DC... it was great to see them...



Starting a new year, and i'm hoping that 2008 is better than 2007... i had a lot of successes and accomplishments in 2007, but i also had alot of toils and trials... but hey, i survived the year right, so it should make me a better person right... I haven't made any new year resolutions... i gotta go back and take a look at my list from last new year's even to see if i accomplished the things on my list... this year i'm not going to necessarily make new year resolutions, but rather small achievable goals for myself...



There been alot of things that I'vebeen thinking about and trying to deal with... my last post talked about me giving my blog address to TA, i kinda wish i hadn't given it to him, but he read it and he gave me his opinion... he also said he deleted the blog url, which i really hope he does, but if he doesn't well there's nothing i can go about that right... i considered from a while shutting down my blog, that's why i hadn't made an entry for a couple of days... wasn't sure what i really wanted to do, but after some consideration decided that i wanted to keep my blog and i'll figure something else out about TA having the url...



anyways, what's really on my mind... well, everyone wants to be happy... and maybe some times I sabotage myself or my own happiness in relationships... my friend JD says that once i find the right guy, then i won't sabotage myself or my relationships, but i don't know... its not that's i'm not aware of what i do, I'm quite aware of it, but i can't necessarily help it... maybe it'll stop when i do find the right guy, or maybe it'll stop when i stop running from relationships, or maybe when i just start working on it (obviously the last options makes the most sense)...



okay, so my current issue, for some reason, sometimes i feel insecure about TA, sometimes its about the things he does, sometimes its just me being insecure... for some reason lately, he's bring that side out of me, and trust me i'm not an insecure person in general... now i want the best for TA and I want to be there for him, but i can't be supporting him if its hurting me to do so... maybe its cause i'm away at the moment, maybe because its that mental time mark when i usually start finding faults in a guy so i can find a reason to end it or maybe its the truth... and honestly at this point, i just don't really know what it is... anyways, i'm going to take it one day at a time... i just need some time to myself to get my thoughts together, to evaluate my feelings and see what i really want...

I want 2008 to be a great year... 2007 was an amazing and progessive year (both in a positive and negative way).... i accomplished alot, learned alot especially about myself and I grew thru various experiences... entering into 2008 i can only hope that i take the time to really focus on the things that are important to me, my family and my success.

Anonymity

Ok, so my blog is an anonymous blog… I don’t think anyone actually knows who I really am, maybe one person I can think of knows that I am DD, but I’m not really sure about that… anyways, TA wanted to read my blog… and while I’ve managed to put it off from actually telling him… I don’t know, ok I do know why… he’ll get to see how random I really am, get to explore all the crazy thoughts I have, get to see how I reason thru things, get to see a side of my that I don’t really show people who know me… he’ll get to see about all the things I’ve written about him (lucky for me its been mostly good things)… but he’ll be able to go thru my past blogs and get to really see things about me… I don’t know if that makes me more nervous or if by allowing him to read my blog, he’ll get a better understanding of me… I don’t really talk much about my blog… but the one or two times I may mention it by accident, the person always wants to know my blog address so they can read it… what if I disappoint them… what if I’m not as good a writer as they expect from a blogger, what if they think I write and worry about trivial stuff… what if… the possibilities are endless of what ifs… I guess the one way to avoid the what ifs, would be not to let people know I have a blog or even if they know, not to give them the blog address…

well last night i gave TA my blog address out of anger and not out of trust... i gave him the blog address cause he was questioning about things that i didn't really understand, and i told him if anything has happened to me, then its in my blog and he can go read it if he doesn't believe me... i only wanted to wait to give him blog address cause i wanted to be completely sure and i wanted to be sure i trusted hm enough (not to say i don't), but i wanted to give it to him in my own time and not when i felt forced to do so, forced to do so in order to prove i was telling him the truth....

now, i don't know if TA has actually read my blog since i gave hime the address, in some ways i hope he does read it to see and understand how i really feel and to try to better understand who i am, but on the other hand, i hope he doesn't read it only to see if i'm telling him the truth or to judge me...
i hope that knowing he reads or can read my blog whenever he wants to won't change the way i write, i hope it won't keep me from being candid, honest and open about my thoughts and feelings... i hope...

Some days I think about giving up my blog… at times I take a small hiatus from my blog, sometimes life just gets too busy, sometimes I don’t have time to analyze things, sometimes I can’t out how I’m feeling or my situation in meaningful words… and sometimes I just simply forget about it… but I know this blog gives me an outlet to get my feelings out and to analyze things, it helps me get thru some situations, some things that I can’t tell my friends or family… it’s a form of therapy…

learning to be happy...

I’m continuing to learn that just because he doesn’t always show how his feels exactly the way I want him to doesn’t mean he’s not showing it in the best way he knows how to… he gently reminded me of this the other night as I feel asleep in his arms… there are things that he does for me that he wasn’t willing to do in past relationships, and his intentions are well noted… I don’t want him to think I take those things for granted, cause I know he tries… but as he said, he’s very traditional and old school… and as I said, I’m very new school and we just need to find a way to meet half way… which I think we’re both starting to learn to do… he’s doing the little things I ask for, but definitely in his own style… his intentions are known and his reasoning are understood, but of course he does it in his own style, and I wouldn’t expect him to do it any differently… he’s meeting me half way to make sure that we both stay happy, and that makes me very happy… and I’m gonna do all I can to make sure I keep him happy as well… and I’m learning to stop stressing so much about everything, and just enjoy things with him, cause he makes me happy…
(Can I mention, I’ve been hit on by men more this week alone, than I have in the last month… interesting the things you notice when u stop focusing ALL of your attention on one person or one thing…)

update...

So it looks like I’ve abandoned my blog, but really I haven’t… just been caught up with life lately… quick update… Okay, so may be I was being a bit melodramatic in my last post… I admit it, and these winter blues aren’t doing a damn thing to lift my spirits… but I finally talked to TA that following Tuesday night… went to go see him and well he lifted my spirits… connected with him in a way we hadn’t connected in for a while, felt like we were one again and we were happy… as I told him in a text this morning… ‘he put a permanent smile on me face’… and not just because of what you think, but more because I think we really connected yesterday, found a new level of comfort with one another… and hopefully we’re closer to one another than before… I told him that I’ve missed him, not missed him in the sense that I hadn’t seen him, but missed the sensual, soft & kind side of him that I saw that Tuesday night, the side I hadn’t seen it in a while and it made me even more attracted to him… made me want to be with him even more… made me realized how much I care about him… and hopefully it did the same for him… but since then, in the last two weeks, things with TA have been interesting…

I thought I had commitment issues, but little do I know that everyone has their own set of emotional luggage that they carry around with them, even guys… I don’t necessarily understand TA or all of his actions, but I know him well enough to know what he’s gonna do… wait, let me rephrase that, I understand what he’s going to do, but I don’t always understand the reasoning or logic behind everything he does… he’s not a simple guy, although he claims that he is, he’s just as complicated as the rest of us, dealing with past relationships and failures, and trying to ensure he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes… I know he cares about me, and that he does things for me that are unusual for him to do in a relationship, and don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate all that he does, but I know I do a lot for him, I give him more effort than I’ve given to any other guy in a long time… I see him struggling not to get attached to me and trying to keep me at arms length, just cause he’s not sure about things yet, but on the same note he’ll do a complete 180 and does all the loving things that a bf would do… then he starts talking about the future (which to be honest, scares the living day lights out of me, because that involves planning and implies that we’ll be together long enough to see the plans come to fruition… not long term plans like years or anythng, but weeks away) He’s been talking bout us spending Christmas together for weeks… and at first it wasn’t gonna happen cause I was gonna go to Nigeria, but of course I procrastinated and then changed my mind to go back to the states instead, so I leave for the states the day after Christmas (there better be some left over turkey in the fridge when I get back to Bmore)… so anyways, we’re gonna spending Christmas together… which I do look forward to, but at the same time, I feel it will make me feel more involved with him and I don’t know if that what he wants… while I keep telling myself not to get too attached, the more time I spend with him, the more involved and invested I become… realizing that you depend on someone else to get thru the day is not a realization that’s easy to make, so I started taking steps to get back to my old social able self… I was talking to one of my friends on facebook, and he was asking how London was and so on, and I told him its going good, but its difficult starting over, and his reply was “...must be a different feeling having to start over from scratch. u’re personality allows it to happen seamless tho, u’re a great easy going person…” and on a normal day, I’d agree with his statement and compliment… but I’m not the same person that he knew many years ago, and many times I wish I could go back to that person he described in the email… i just want to be happy...

he's M.I.A.

Well, it been two days since TA and I had our little disagreement… and well I haven’t heard from him… yeah I’m a little distraught, but what can I do… I can’t make him call or text me, can’t make him pick up my calls so all I can do is wait… which is something that I’m most definitely not good at wait… I’m impatient, something too impatient for my own good… but what can I do… but I can’t sit here and blame myself for ever… ok, he didn’t like what I said… I apologized (more than one… more than twice… more than I ever do)… isn’t this where we’re suppose to talk things thru and work it out… well its suppose to be, but TA has disappeared, haven’t heard from him since he left my place 2 nights ago… not one word… if u can’t be a little patient with me, then we’re definitely gonna have some issues… I’m not the most patient person, but for the person I care about, my patience can become an never ending ocean of compassion and understanding… but I guess that’s not how he see it… at this point I really don’t know what to think… I can’t stand the silent treatment, it gets under my skin, I prefer for someone to yell, fuss and get it out of their system, so we can move on from the situation… but with the silent treatment, they keep all the aggression and anger inside, just waiting for one day to explode…

This is killing me… and I know myself, the longer it takes TA to come around, the more upset I’ll be, and the more likely I will say something even more inappropriate to him…

The Winter Blues...

Well, I finally moved into my own flat, a one bedroom flat in Swiss Cottage/Belsize Park… it’s a great area, very local to everything, and it’s a short commute to work… my apart, at the moment is a disaster! Everything is still packed up in boxes, bags and suitcases… lots of suitcases…. Hmmm, so I’m in the process of trying to sort things, but I know its gonna take a while, hopefully I should have my place sorted out before I leave for Christmas (and don’t ask… I don’t know where I’m going for Christmas yet, don’t have a ticket to Nigeria or to the states, but I know I’m not staying in London without my family, that’s for sure)… anyways, I still need to order my sofa, put my wardrobes together (now, TA offered to help, but since we got into a tiny row yesterday after putting my bed together, well sue me if I’m a bit moody… well there’s no telling if he’ll come around to help with the wardrobes… but I’m a capable woman, so no worries)… I’ve put together lots of Ikea furniture on my own in past, so its not impossible, but it would have been nice to have a man around to help me… or I can always just hire someone to come do it, but the holidays are just around the corner and I’m not trying to spend any unnecessary money… need to buy gifts for the little ones (nieces and nephews J)…

So I’ve been in a funk for the last couple of days, at first thought that it was from the lack of sleep and all the stress from last week with work, school, and moving… I’m sure that added to it, but it doesn’t explain why I’m so gosh darn (not the words I really wanted to use, but can’t be using his name in vain) emotional… No its not me being homesick… No, its not that time of the month… … but it is that time of the year… that time of the year, where its cold outside, it rains a lot, the sun goes down before its even 5pm… its Winter time… and I wish I didn’t have it, but I think I’ve got the winter blues… its not the first time its happened, happened bout 3 years ago in 2004… was overly emotional about any and everything, felt it hard to pull myself together sometimes, hard to participate and so on… and well, it feels like that again… so what’s a girl to do, when all I really wanna do is go back to my flat, lay under my duvet and read a book til I doze off… I’m not the usual me, the happy, fun person to be around… not sure where she went or even where to begin looking for her or me rather…