I just don't know...

I often hesitate to blog about my friend, JB… I’ve mentioned him briefly in previous posts, but nothing to detailed for various reasons… JB and I go back… a few years back… he actually was my ex-boyfriend’s, TO, best friend… anyways, me and JB met thru my boyfriend at the time TO… TO and I dated for a while, but eventually broke up (you may remember TO from this post about my first loves)… anyways, TO and JB kinda went their separate ways as well, TO was on some crazy stuvs that no one else was really feeling… anyways, JB and I remained friends, and as time went on we became very good friends… the best of friends actually… he became my male best friend… he knew almost everything about me from who I as dating to the small details of my daily schedule and it was vice versa for me too… I knew about all his girls and so on… he was that person I turned when I had guy questions and that so on…
One day a year and a half ago at a small get together of friends, JB kissed me… it was just a friendly peck on the lips… actually it was quite innocent. And then we were all outside getting ready to leave and get in our cars when JB came over and gave me a real kiss… it kind threw me off… anyways, after that JB and I started hanging out even more and one thing led to another and we were definitely doing our thing, but we both knew that we were just having a good time… after a few months, I started talking to a new guy and around this time last year I told JB that we should go back to just being friends and nothing more, cause I wanted to being a monogamous relationship with the I just started dating… besides I felt like I had gotten too comfortable with JB and knowing that he was always there, it alleviated the nee to go out and find myself a good guy or a boyfriend… anyways, that was the end of that with me and JB… we were still friends, but obviously not as tight as before (as he later revealed to me thru conversation, it was an ego thing… the guy wants to be the one that breaks it off) … anyways, me and JB still were cool, but not the best of friends as before, there was even a point where I wasn’t telling him who I was talking to or dating cause his comments/actions weren’t always favorable towards the person I was dating… but recently in the last couple of months JB and I have been hanging out more and I feel like our friendship is getting back to being as close as it was… we still discuss a lot of things between us… the stuff I tell him I’d never tell most people and even the things I ask him about I’d never ask most people, but we have that comfort thing…
And in the last couple of weeks, he’s been very suggestive about what he wants and why aren’t we chilling like we use to… when I go to his place and hang out and chill, it just feels so natural for him to give me that kiss when he see me… or for him to hold me when we’re watching tv, or just to goof around with him cause he makes me laugh… And well, to tell you the truth, lately he’s been on my mind A LOT… I keep thinking why can’t we just go back and be like we use to be last year, things were really good with me and him doing our thing… and yesterday after church he says to me “I’m really feeling your look… you’d look really good by my side”… and when we talked later yesterday evening, it was more of that and well I know its obvious that we both have our minds in the same place, but then I know JB better than he thinks, he’s not ready for a steady relationship (I know his track record) and well to be honest I don’t know if he truly wants anything as serious as an exclusive relationship with me… which leads me to another thing, one of the other reasons that I stopped being more than just friends with him last year was because I started to catch feelings and really like him, like… like him like him, and although some of the things he says lead me to think he may feel that way now, I don’t know if I’m ready to take that chance…

Anyways, all this has been on my mind for a few weeks… and then there’s IN (my gym guy)… he doesn’t realize that the reason I told him that I had a short attention span and that he needed to step up his game was because I have been seriously thinking about JB and going back to being more than friend with him (and yeah I know the term ‘more than friends’ is not a real term, but what JB and I have is more than friends with benefits, but not exactly an exclusive relationship, hence the reason I use the term, more than friends)… and well IN had a really decent chance of being enough to stop me from going back to chilling with JB cause I was truly interested in him (IN), but my interest has started to wane because of him not stepping up his game… its not my style to chase guys, I just don’t do it… it’s the male’s responsibility and while IN is not doing what he needs to do to get my attention, JB is… JB is doing exactly when he needs to do to get my attention again, and I must admit he’s (JB) is doing a very good job of getting my attention…