Dedicated to the first real loves of my life…

its kinda of a long post... but it explains how i got to position of where i am with relationships/guy now... here goes...

Part I: OF... it was puppy love

Dedicated to the first real loves of my life…

Have you ever been so intoxicated with someone, I mean everything about them made you smile… even the stupidest things… well, that’s how I felt about first love… I was the tender age of 20 years old, sometime in the beginning of my junior year in college… I came home from school for the weekend when I ran into him, TO… the moment he smiled at me, it was all over, it was like I fell in love with him at that moment… we became friends very quickly and we talked all the time on the phone… when I was away at school… he was the first person I thought of and talked to in the morning and before I went to bed… I wake up to my alarm clock excited cause as soon as I turned the alarm clock off, I knew I was gonna dial my baby’s number to talk him (if he hadn’t already called me)… it was a feel so mutual between us that when people saw us together, they didn’t need to ask if we were together, it was written in very motion, word and everything we did… it was hard doing a long distance relationship, but I came home often enough to visit him and I changed my summer plans and come home for the summer and got myself an apartment on campus so that we could have all the privacy in the world… the summer before my senior year I came home and took summer classes a college in my hometown, got an apartment on campus so I would be able to spend time with my man… he practically lived there… he had the freedom to come and go and he pleased into my apartment/room… I met his mother that summer, we got along fabulously… everything was just right… he loved and cared about me simply the way I was (even though I was a little chubby those days) he accepted me as I was and I loved him for it.. I thought that I had found the man of my dreams… he thought me so many things about what I wanted in a partner and a lover… he taught me to how to appreciate myself more and for all those reasons, he will always have a place in my heart and I’ll will never forget him… he also taught me the lesson that all good things must come to an end… that summer ended with him cheating on my with his ‘plan B’ girl as he called it… said he didn’t want to get hurt with being in a long distance relationship so when he met this random girl that summer, he made her his plan B, incase things didn’t work out with us… that shit never made any sense to me and it still doesn’t… but because he was not only my man, but also my best friend, I forgave him… (well, I forgave him after he stalked me for like 3 weeks)… and I left and went back to school early with no goodbye… I just needed my space… we eventually because associates/friends again… but he managed to ruin that to, but corning me one day at party and saying all these things that were inappropriate at the least and then he did some other things that I didn’t agree with… so I decided I had to give him up… stopped talking to him completely towards the end of the summer after I graduated… I was all geared up for grad school and I didn’t need any distractions especially not from TO… shortly after I stopped talk to TO, I met L (the ex, that I talk about on this blog all the time)… he came into my life so unexpectedly, but with such perfect timing…


Part II: the story of L

Just when I had giving up on all hope for love… here come L to save the day… L turned my entire life upside down (in a good way)… he made me realized that I never knew what love was until I met him… I guess I had matured in the year and a half since TO and I had stopped dating, because the way I felt for L was incomparable to anything else I’d ever felt… the thought of him was enough to make me smile for hours… we became friends very quickly and soon after started dating (even though he stayed in London… and I was here in the states)… L was everything I wanted in a boyfriend, best friend and companion… we complimented each other’s personality… about 2 months after meeting L, I made my first trip to London to go visit him… the trip was amazing… in every aspect… now he was someone that I thought I would grow old with, but things didn’t happened way… L took such really good care of me, it felt so natural to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up next to him in the morning, I felt like I had found my place on earth… the place I was meant to be… we had out little arguments and disagreements, but overall the trip was a great one… The relationship would transformed me in a way that I never imagined… when I left London after that trip, I knew in my heart of hearts that something was up… that something during the trip had changed our relationship… I still can’t pinpoint what it was exactly but future events later lead me to see that our relationship was not going to make it… I was so angry with him when we broke up that February… I had so much to say to him that I couldn’t but eventually did… by the time we broke up I was so unhappy, frustrated and angry… I know he had a lot of things going on which contributed to our break up, but I don’t think he had a clue of what was going on with me between December until we broke up in February, there was so much going on with me with school, work, my family and he just wasn’t there for me… I honestly did try to be there for him during his issues and didn’t want to add any stress to him by letting him know that I had a bunch of stuff that was going on with me as well, but it was a lot for me to bare by myself… his issues, my issues, the stuff my family was going thru, keeping it all to myself because I couldn’t share any of it with the one person that I needed the most at that time, and trying to deal with our deteriorating relationship and keep it together… I never really told him all the stuff that I was going thru even after we broke, there was no point…he broke up with me the day before Valentine’s Day… who does that!?! He even asked me if I thought he was doing the right thing by breaking up with me… WHAT??? how could he ask that… if one person wants to break up, then that it… anyways, we broke up… didn’t really speak for a while, but a few months down the line we started talking again… and here we are now… After L and I broke up, a lot of things changed about me… my approach to a lot of things definitely changed… I definitely learned a lot from this experience… it thought me a lot about what I want in a partner and what I don’t want… what I can deal with and how to approach issues that bother me… and fortunate for me, it didn’t rob me of all my hope for love, it actually encouraged me… L cared about me in a way that I didn’t know was possible, it was so unconditional (at the time) and I was able to care for him in the same manner and it gave me hope that Love is possible, now I just have to find the right person… I’m more patient with people than I used to be in some sense, but I’m also more strict in the sense that if I see something that I don’t like or can deal with, I either try to resolve it right away or I just leave the situation alone all together, no point getting caught up in a situation when I know its not gonna work for me… While TO was definitely the first person I fell in love with, L was definitely my first adult relationship where I was truly able to express my love for him whole heartedly…